16+ Language

Jenkins' Law, Chapter 2

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

PreviousNext

Chapter 2: The First Case

I walked into the office on Monday, feeling a little apprehensive.

While the dinner party helped me to get to know a few associates, I still felt very much out of the loop. That morning I rushed through my closet trying to find something appropriate to wear in order to satisfy Angela’s fashion sense. I settled for a grey office skirt and matching jacket along with a blood red collar shirt. It wasn’t that fancy, but I could never opt out comfort, not for anyone. I did though pull out my heels in order to seem professional.

As I walked down the familiar hallway I started to see some faces that I recognized from the Friday and tried to smile politely. There was one person that I really needed to say hi to though, and that was the person that I would be working for - or with, who would soon explain to me everything I needed to know, and get me started on a case right away. Passing Maryanne’s office, the lady who interviewed me, I decided to stop and say hi to her.

Knocking on the glass door, I learned, didn’t really help you because glass unlike wood made a clanging sound that could be dismissed rather than the loud echo of wood. I simply opened the door gently, and was only a little surprised to see she was asleep on the table, she had her right hand around a cup of coffee. I was right about her working too hard, and about her sleeping in her office. Debating whether or not I should wake her, I finally decided that she probably didn’t want to be caught sleeping on her desk by someone who wouldn’t take it well.

“Excuse me, Maryanne,” I said loudly. At first she only stirred, but then I decided to move closer. “Maryanne!” I whispered loudly close to her ear, she jumped for a moment and then glared at me.

“What!” She snapped. I smiled at her.

“I forgot, where is Phillip’s office again? I figured I’d just pop in here and ask you.” I knew where his office was, but double checking never hurt anyone, that and it’s good helping people wake up.

“His office is two away from yours!” She was frustrated, who could blame her. I nodded. She pulled herself together and straightened out her desk. I started to walk away when she said,

“Good Morning, Jenkins.” I turned and grinned at her.

“Good Morning, Maryanne.” And then I was gone. I hurried off to Phillip’s office. I didn’t want to set foot in my office until I had a case in my hands. Since I wasn’t a recent Law School graduate I wasn’t a first year associate, that said, I wasn’t a senior associate either, I was still making my ranks. So I would not be handling my own case for the first few weeks at the job unless I do exceptionally well. I was to work with Phillip a senior associate, but I would get to go to court. The idea of being at court talking to a judge, defending a person sent my blood tingling. I was finally going to have the opportunity of a life time.

I didn’t bother knocking when I reached his door, and just opened gently and peeked inside. He was at his desk with his glasses on, looking through paperwork. I had met Phil, as he said I could call him, at the dinner party. He seemed like an intelligent person, but even more so, he seemed like someone who knew he was intelligent. He had an air of pride in him with the way that he walked, and the way that he talked. He claimed that he graduated from law school when he was 21 which was very young, and he wouldn’t stop talking about how quickly he got promoted to senior associate. Part of me felt he was bragging because he knew I was there and that I would be working with him, but part of me felt he would have been bragging anyways.

He had light brown hair, very thick, they curled at the edges but otherwise were straight, his eyebrows were very thick as well, probably just had thick hair all around, and he wore glasses that made his dark brown eyes look either larger or smaller than they probably were. He had a small smile. You couldn’t really picture him grinning widely, it just wouldn’t fit his face. And indeed, when he looked up and saw me, he gave a small smile, it didn’t quite reach his eyes. I returned it though, and took that as an opening to walk in.

“Good Morning, ah -”

“You can just call me Jenkins,” I told him politely. He looked at me quizzically for a moment, but then nodded.

“Alright then, Jenkins, you’re late.” He said matter-of-factly, “You were suppose to be here an hour ago.” Now it was my turn to be confused.

“Since when do I have a specific time to be here? I was told to come here first thing in the morning no later than nine am.”

“Well, from today forth know that I get here seven am, which means you get here seven am.” I furrowed my brows, who did he think he was? The most frustrating thing was how easy he was about it, as if he wasn’t trying to control what time I woke up in the morning and how quickly I had to dress. He said it like he was speaking of the weather. I frowned.

“Is there a specific reason for this?” I asked him.

“Of course! You see, you just lost an hour to get ready for your first case. We have to be at the court by two pm this afternoon so I suggest you get started right away. I need you to look over the case file in case I missed something important and then come back here for more instructions.” I stood glaring at him, not moving even though he stretched out his hand with the folder in it. “We don’t have a lot of time Jenkins.” His voice turned cold.

“I thought we’re working together, you can’t just tell me what to do.” I retorted. He laughed.

“Oh yes I can, we aren't working together. I’m a senior associate, you were just hired. I could be partner any day now, whereas you have about ten years to go. Please don’t waste anymore time, and take the damn folder.” I sighed in frustration and snatched it from him. This better be a good case.

“Ms. Jenkins,” He stopped me on my way out the door. “Isn't this what you wanted though? To get out there, be at court? Be careful what you wish for.” I didn't turn back to look at him. This man was more prideful than I even predicted, there were a lot of words I could have called him, but I refrained from it. It wouldn't be worth it.

Entering the sanctuary of my small office I smiled at the sight of it. It was quite simple. I had a light oak desk and a comfortable chair, a carpet on the floor, and a lot of empty shelves on the walls. They would be filled up tomorrow. I set the case on my desk and after sitting, opened it slowly. A picture of a man was the first thing I saw. A big man, has an untidy small beard and blue eyes, according to the papers that were underneath his picture, he was the owner of a small shop called; “Rancher Chain Store.” I read over all the facts about the case. Apparently we were defending this guy. I wanted to laugh. If there was a jury they would already be dead set against him, because of his looks, not what this guy was accused of.

He was arrested for breaking into his own store. It seemed that his brothers actually bought the store from him but he was still the owner of it. They claimed though that recently he signed a contract saying that they were the rightful owners of the store, and yet he broke in, in order to steal something. They claim he was trying to steal a large sum of money from them, and run away. Wow, this was my first case? I wanted to just laugh loudly. I was about to read over the case details one more time when there was a clanging sound at my door. I looked up to see a figure standing and clanging.

“Come in,” I said, for whatever reason closing my case folder as the person stepped inside. It was Angela.

“Hey, I heard you were in from Mary.” She stared at my desk. “Oh, and you have your first case now.” She raised an eyebrow. I laughed. I learned or rather confirmed, a few more things about Angela during the dinner party. She always made sure to pronounce each word she said with emphasis, she always seemed to raise an eyebrow, and she was actually a very nice person. Apparently she’s both a paralegal and an assistant to whoever wants her to do their lame work. She also introduces the new employees like she did for me, although that job she chose.

“I do have my first case, but it’s quite childish actually. Seems like a family feud case.” I told her. She smiled.

“You never know! It could be bigger than it looks. Anyways I wanted to give you some coffee, you’re the only one who hasn't been to the pantry yet this morning so I figured I might as well, just once.” She placed the cup, I now noticed in her hand, on my desk. I smiled at her taking a sip the liquid burning my tongue.

“Thank you. And maybe I would have stopped there, but the first court appearance is at two pm apparently and I cannot waste a single moment. I was even late today can you believe it?” My last sentence was draped in sarcasm. She laughed.

“So you've seen Phil, and that’s fantastic.” I nodded frowning.

“No, I’m serious, that’s fantastic. You get to start court right away! It’s so rare. You are very fortunate.”

“Either that or Phil wants me to fail, how am I suppose to find anything wrong with what the client’s being accused of in just a couple of hours?!”

“You can do it. If you need my help, my office door is open. Literally because I’m a bit claustrophobic.” I laughed, it was just the way she said it. She leaned and whispered. “Don’t tell anyone that they’ll make fun of me.” I laughed again and nodded.

“I won’t tell a soul.” She grinned at me and was turning to leave when she stopped.

“Stand up.” She told me, and I gave her a confused look. “I want to see your ensemble today.” She told me smirking. I rolled my eyes at her and stood. She motioned I should step away from the desk, so I did.

“Next time just go for black or blue, the grey looks ugly with the red.” She stated. I rolled my eyes again. She glared at me.

“You have to take this dressing thing seriously. We have to go shopping soon.” She mentioned and I shook my head.

“Please, no shopping.” I told her but she shook her head.

“Should have thought of that before you didn't listen to me.” She started walking away.

“I wore freaking heels!” I yelled at her as she left my office. Another employee walked by and looked concerned, and I tried to smile to reassure the person. They shrugged and walked away. I sighed and slumped into my chair.

Stupid clothes.

* * *

I was in court. I was actually physically in a courtroom. I tried to suppress the grin that was creeping on my face as I looked around me. In front of me (well, in front of us) was the high table where the judge sat behind; beside the judge was the stand where all the witness’ would testify. The jury sat on the right side of us, and behind us were the pews where a few of the community members were allowed to watch. We learned earlier that the brothers wanted a jury, they specifically requested for one. Which meant that there was something they had on our client that in which having a jury would benefit them. I still couldn't believe that a family problem was coming to court. I mentioned as much to Phil, and he glared at me and told me this was a serious case, and if I wasn't going to take it seriously I could drop it.

Of course I wasn't going to drop it, so I kept my mouth shut. I didn't find many loopholes in the case file. The one important thing was of course proof, but Phil had already thought of that. Obviously the brothers of our client, whose name is Dan, didn't bring forth any proof that Dan signed any contract turning over the store to them. And also there was the point of awareness, if Dan consciously knew that he signed a contract turning over the store to his brothers, then why the hell would he break into the store knowing that he would be charged? That would imply he wanted to go to jail willingly, which hopefully no one wanted.

And then there’s the question as to why brother’s could not be so lenient to their own blood and just let it go. According to the security footage, which we had watched earlier that day, Dan was first standing and calling out, as if he thought someone was inside, and then he tried to open the front door but it wouldn't open so he bursted in through the glass setting off the alarm. If someone was really trying to break in, they wouldn't be that stupid!

We only got to talk to our client thirty minutes before court, he was held in custody and being tested for mental illness as well. He looked exhausted and frustrated, but most importantly, he looked innocent. Like he either didn't know what he was doing, or he felt he had the right to break into the store, or he knew that he shouldn't be going to jail. Our job was to figure out why he shouldn't be going to jail.

I turn to him at the moment, he was fiddling with his handcuffs, he looked a little nervous. He looked at me, and his eyes said please, I nodded at him. We’d help him. I remembered when I asked him my first question,

“Why did you do it?”

“I couldn’t open the damn door! The keys weren't working! Those bastards changed the key slots. I hadn’t been to my store fourteen days since they kicked me out.”

“Why did you have to get in your store?”

“Because those idiots are hiding something. I had to figure out what it was. Also, I have some money stashed in there, they know I do.” Phil interjected,

“What type of relationship do you have with your brothers?” I wanted to scoff, obviously a terrible one.

“We never got along, but we were just starting to work together, own a business together. For some reason though my older brothers always seemed to go around me. They’re hiding something and I know it! I think they were planning on kicking me out for a long time.”

“Do you have any reason why they might not trust you, or have even pressed charges against you?” Phil continued.

“Not at all! They’re just assholes, I’m the youngest so they think they can walk all over me.” Dan replied. I frowned. There had to be a reason.

“Was it always like this even when you were younger?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, they never respected me. They kicked me around all the time.” Phil seemed to have an idea.

“Were they very physical?” he asked.

“Sometimes, yeah. They punched me a couple of times and stuff.”

“So they were abusive?” He questioned. Dan thought about it for a moment, I felt bad for him having to remember his childhood.

“Yes, they were.” 

“Order in the court, order in the court.” The Judge’s voice and gavel sounded throughout the court and broke through my memory.

“Please be seated we are about to start.” The Judge said. Everyone sat. The ceremonial introductions began and once that was done the defense was allowed to provide their first witness.

“We would like to call Dan’s older brother, Carter to the stand.” I stared at Phil wondering what he was going to do.

Carter gave Phil a similar look of surprise as he walked up to the stand. He took his oath and sat.

Phil got up and walked to what I liked to call, the dancing spot of the court, the place where lawyers got to dance around while they pleaded their case. He smiled at Carter.

“Carter, would you say you have a good relationship with your brother Dan?”

“Yes. We get along.” Phil kept his face neutral but I could tell he was uncomfortable by the way he squeezed his left hand with his right one.

“So you guys never fought or anything?” Phil continued. I now knew what he was trying to do. I wasn’t sure it would work to his favor though. Then again, I turned to look at the jury and saw that quite a number of them were middle aged women with rings on their fingers, married, most likely with children. I smiled.

“Who doesn’t fight with their siblings? Of course we fight. Sometimes.” He was doing pretty well at hiding the anger building up in him, I could see it in his eyes.

“Did any of the fights have a target?” Phil asked. I turned to the brother’s prosecuting lawyers and they looked ready to object at any moment.

“I don’t know what you mean by target.” He stated between clenched teeth.

“Did you and, or your brother gang up on Dan?” He simplified. I watched their lawyers frantically look through papers.

“No, of course not.” He said, he was shaking a little.

“Really? You two never got really angry at your brother and tried to teach him a lesson?”

“We got angry at our brother yes, but we didn’t single him out.”

“Never?”

“No!”

“Then how do you explain this?” Phil walked over to the table and I handed him the picture I knew he was looking for. “I did a little digging, and I found this shot taken by a neighbor.” The picture showed Carter and John on top of Dan in the front yard, they all looked very young. Dan was only seven. Carter’s eyes widened at the photo but then he quickly composed himself.

“Tell me honestly Carter, did you and your brother hate Dan?” After he said this he went to the Judge and asked permission to show the jury the photo. The Judge granted the permission and he handed the jury the photo.

“No.” He answered easily.

“Okay, well, did you and your brother feel like Dan was the reason your mom left?” Oh snap.

“Objection! Irrelevant!” One of the lawyers stood and yelled.

“Objection, sustained. Please get to the point, Phil.” Judge Henson didn't like digging up dirty pasts. It’s rumored that he has one he likes to keep buried.

“Your honor, it was relevant. But, moving on, Carter did you or did you not harbor anger or hate for your brother growing up? You are under oath, please be honest!”

“Maybe! Maybe I did! But I don’t hate him now! We owned a store together how the hell could I hate him!? The place was going down. My brother and I gave him money for ownership so that he could keep the dump!” I smiled at Carter’s reply. He made a mistake.

“If you wanted him to keep the dump then why did you take it from him?”

“We-we were tired of his bullshit.” Phil looked surprised, and so was I.

“What do you mean?”

“He was driving away customers! He wasn't working hard enough. When we offered to help him he pushed us away.” There was slight honesty in his tone. I glared at Dan. He wasn't looking at me, he was glaring at Carter.

“Your honor, I have no further questions.” Phil looked quite pissed.

* * *

“So when were you going to tell us that you were a slob on the job?!” Phil yelled at Dan. We only had a few minutes with him before he would have to go back into custody.

“Sorry, I was a - okay, I still am, a bit of a drunk. So I screwed up a little, they didn’t have to kick me out just as I was starting to change! He was saying it like they were trying to help me, but they weren’t. They would tease me about it constantly. He’s such a fucking liar!”

“Watch the language! There’s a lady here.” Phil said. I turned to him bewildered. That was old fashioned. 

“Look, I don’t know what to do, but I can’t go to jail. I just can’t. They could get me in here for years!” I tried not to roll my eyes. He broke into a store, I doubt they would give him years. Maybe one year at most.

“Did you do anything other than break into the store?”

“Don’t be mad but yeah.” Phil was getting mad.

“What did you do?!”

“I-I caused a lot of damage.”

“Why wasn’t that in your damn case file then!?” Language Phil, I thought to myself. Phil looked about ready to kill someone. “If Lacy messes the case files up one more time, I don’t care who she’s working for, she’s fired!”

“No, she couldn’t have known, I messed it up in the back. Only they know, but they can press charges.” I groaned in frustration. Why did we have to protect an idiot? Both men looked at me. I looked away from them.

“Alright, times up.” The warden said and started to take our client away from us. Once he was gone, I noticed a lawyer coming forward. The lady stopped in front of me and fake smiled.

“First case?” She asked.

“Yeah.” I admitted.

“Too bad it’s the losing one then,” she smirked as she slapped a folder on our table. “We’re pressing further charges. Thank you Phil, for reminding our client that your client was a perverted, rude, and unacceptable store owner. Hope you have a good day.” She added sweetly and stepped out of the way. It was good she did too, otherwise I may have just accidentally tripped her.

Phil and I stared at the file before us. Neither one of us wanted to read it. 

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:07 pm

Hi there Sky!

I'm back again :D Hehe aren't you pleased to see me? I think this chapter was much better than the first one! I loved reading it and knowing about this case. I think you handles all the case things very well, and it's a shame that it looks like they are fighting a battle that they were destined to lose. I hope they can do something to turn this around! So, I found the law aspect to all this very good and you wrote it exceptionally well. I also liked getting to know the characters more than I did in the previous chapter, so kudos there as well. I may have a lot of nitpicks for you, but they are just nitpicks. I don't really have much to say on the story except one thing, so good job there ^^

I felt like when Carter was on the witness stand, he got too emotional too quickly. I feel like he would've been prepped to face some hard questions, seeing as he was going to nervous and on the witness stand as well, his lawyers must've warned him. So I found it a bit quick, how fast he curbed to his anger and panicked up there. So maybe make that take a little bit more time, and show his emotions gradually brimming over. Otherwise the whole story aspect of this was perfection!

Now, on to the nitpicks! I am sorry I weigh you down with these...

I did though pull out my heels in order to seem professional.


You don't need the word though here. Also, it would be great if you made the connection at this point. So maybe mention she pulled out the heels, remembering what Maryanne said about style and it's importance. Just a brief mention is enough for the reader to make the necessary connections. I love it when chapters connect!

Also, speaking of unnecessary words, I've noticed that you tend to use them a lot. I mean words like 'though' and 'just' and that sort of thing. The kind of words that don't add anything to the sentence but they're sort of there anyway. Try to keep those words to a bare minimum and if they have to be there, only use them in speech. People tend to use them a lot when they speak.

I recognized from the Friday and tried to smile politely.


I feel like we're missing the word 'party' after Friday. The Friday what?

Knocking on the glass door, I learned, didn’t really help you because glass unlike wood made a clanging sound that could be dismissed rather than the loud echo of wood.


Interesting theory. ^^ If you knock hard enough I am sure it would work! This sentence also seems pretty chunky when I read it. This is my suggestion with different word order and fewer words.

Suggestion: Knocking on the glass door, I learned, didn't really help. Glass, unlike wood, made a clanging sound that could easily be dismissed in comparison to the loud echo of wood.

She was frustrated, who could blame her.


This comma should really be a semi colon.

the first few weeks at the job unless I do exceptionally well.


The 'do' should be a 'did' to keep this in past tense.

I was to work with Phillip a senior associate


You're missing some words in this sentence. Here: I was to work with Phillip who was a senior associate.

when I reached his door, and just opened gently and peeked inside


Ah, you see the just here? It's an example of something I earlier mentioned. Oh, and also here this sentence reads awkwardly. How about 'when I reached his door I opened it and peeked inside.'

Another thing I have noted is that you use a lot of adverbs. Many writers say something I agree with, and that is that you should try to keep adverbs to a bare minimum. (Just in case, adverbs are anything ending in ly.) So instead of saying she 'gently' opened the door, you'd take the time to show it to us instead of letting the adverb tell us. You could say 'I opened the door a little, so slowly that the hinges didn't creak.' That way we get more description and we gather that she must've been doing all of this gently.

He had light brown hair, very thick, they curled at the edges but otherwise were straight, his eyebrows were very thick as well, probably just had thick hair all around, and he wore glasses that made his dark brown eyes look either larger or smaller than they probably were.


Hm, this is a run on sentence! Check the amount of commas there! But run on sentences is something we have already discussed, but I thought it might be beneficial for me to help by pulling them out and editing it a bit to make your job of doing that later a bit easier. I have rewritten this paragraph here (I probably won't rewrite them all.)

Rewrite: He had light brown hair which was very thick, like his eyebrows. His hair curled at the edges but was otherwise straight. Looking at it, I guessed he probably thick hair all around. He wore glasses that made his dark brown eyes look either larger or smaller than they probably were.

Compare the two, because I made a few more changes than simple full stops and commas. See if they differ, which you prefer more and hopefully it's a change you can make yourself in the future.

“I thought we’re working together, you can’t just tell me what to do.” I retorted. He laughed.


The comma in that speech would be better off as a full stop.

“Oh yes I can, we aren't working together.


Same thing here. Comma should be a full stop.

This man was more prideful than I even predicted, there were a lot of words I could have called him, but I refrained from it. It wouldn't be worth it.


First comma would be better off a full stop.

A picture of a man was the first thing I saw. A big man, has an untidy small beard and blue eyes, according to the papers that were underneath his picture, he was the owner of a small shop called; “Rancher Chain Store.”


I would change the semi colon there at the end to a colon because you would then be listing the title. Also, you switch tenses a little when you say 'has' instead of 'had'. I wouldn't have used either word, though. I would've said 'A big man, with an untidy small beard and blue eyes. [Avoiding run on sentence here with full stop] According to the papers underneath his picture, he was also the owner... etc.

I was even late today can you believe it?


Comma needed after the word 'today' and also, you don't need the word 'even.'

“So you've seen Phil, and that’s fantastic.” I nodded frowning.


How about: So you've seen Phil. That's fantastic. Also, because you put her action at the end of the dialogue tag it might confuse people. They may think Jenkins said it instead of Maryanne. Make sure you put whatever she does next in a new paragraph.

Literally because I am a bit claustrophobic.


Comma after the first word.

She told me smirking


Comma before the last word. (Don't worry about commas. I would tell you how to use them properly, but then I never do that correct myself in my own writing. So I can't. I will tell you it is easier to pick comma faults in other people's work than your own, and that I hate commas.)

[/quote]was it always like this even when you were younger[/quote]

Comma after the word 'this'.

I turn to him at the moment, he was fiddling with his handcuffs, he looked a little nervous. He looked at me, and his eyes said please, I nodded at him.


In the first sentence it seems to me like all commas could be separate full sentences unless you wanted to add a few conjunctions to avoid having three short sentences in a row. Also, the last comma could be a full stop too.

I stared at Phil wondering what he was going to do.


Comma after 'Phil'.

we are about to start please be seated


Comma after 'start'.

We owned a store together how the hell could I hate him!?


Comma after 'together'.

“Don’t be mad but yeah.” Phil was getting mad.


Comma before 'yeah'.

I don't have anything more to say! Post on my wall or let me know whenever you post a new chapter! I sincerely hope it is sooner rather than later, I can't wait to read more :D

Deanie x

User avatar
IamTraunt
Review

Hey Sky! I am here and ready!

That morning I rushed through my closet trying to find something appropriate to wear in order to satisfy Angela’s fashion sense.

You need a comma after "that morning". Think about it like this: all the time phrases, openers; ect have commas after them if there at the beginning of a sentence.

There was one person that I really needed to say hi to though, and that was the person that I would be working for - or with, who would soon explain to me everything I needed to know, and get me started on a case right away.

The bit in red is where I'm point to. Instead of the comma you need your EM dash seeing as you used one before ;)

Knocking on the glass door, I learned, didn’t really help you because glass unlike wood made a clanging sound that could be dismissed rather than the loud echo of wood.

Hmmmm. This is interesting. May I ask where you heard/or found this information? I'm curious.

Debating whether or not I should wake her, I finally decided that she probably didn’t want to be caught sleeping on her desk by someone who wouldn’t take it well.

Why wouldn't she take it well? A perfect opportunity to explain or just to notify the reason for Jenkin's actions, so we can get to know her a little more.

Since I wasn’t a recent Law School graduate I wasn’t a first year associate, that said, I wasn’t a senior associate either, I was still making my ranks.

You need a comma after "graduate". If you read it aloud you find you'll need a breath.

He claimed that he graduated from law school when he was 21 which was very young, and he wouldn’t stop talking about how quickly he got promoted to senior associate.

I feel as if that little bit of information "which was very young" needs to be in brackets, as that brackets are for. If not, you need a comma after "21".

Part of me felt he was bragging because he knew I was there and that I would be working with him, but part of me felt he would have been bragging anyways.

Hmmmm... Anyways? I don't think that is quite right. I think it just should be "anyway".

He had light brown hair, very thick, they curled at the edges but otherwise were straight, his eyebrows were very thick as well, probably just had thick hair all around, and he wore glasses that made his dark brown eyes look either larger or smaller than they probably were.

Instead of "they curled", it should be "and curled". Good description btw ;)

The most frustrating thing was how easy he was about it, as if he wasn’t trying to control what time I woke up in the morning and how quickly I had to dress.

Easy about it? I think that should be "easy on me".

A big man, has an untidy small beard and blue eyes, according to the papers that were underneath his picture, he was the owner of a small shop called; “Rancher Chain Store.”

Instead of a semi colon (;), it should be ":".

They claimed though that recently he signed a contract saying that they were the rightful owners of the store, and yet he broke in, in order to steal something.

After "claimed", the "though" isn't needed.

She always made sure to pronounce each word she said with emphasis, she always seemed to raise an eyebrow, and she was actually a very nice person.

You could cut quite a few words out of this. Like so: She always made sure to pronounce each word with emphasis, she always seemed to raise an eyebrow, and was actually a very nice person.

Either that or Phil wants me to fail, how am I suppose to find anything wrong with what the client’s being accused of in just a couple of hours?!

Two separate points here. After "fail" you need a full stop.

And that is all from me! Keep up the good work, don't give up with this story and be happy! :D

Yours sincerely,
Traunt

User avatar
deleted3
Review

Wow, this is awesome!

And you tell me you came up with the idea for the case yourself! It was engaging, with a very clear sense of the direction it was going, how the unexpected bit caused the direction to change and what that meant for everyone involved. I love the snide comment at the end by the prosecuting lawyer.

Although this scene was definitely believable for a non-lawyer, you just need to check with a lawyer with how this theoretical case would work, as well as checking all your scenes to make sure you get it right. This is key because you eventually want to sell this story to people passionate about law, and you don't want to put them off if they feel like you haven't done your research. But I think if you keep the story engaging, even if the facts aren't 100% accurate, you will still have readers.

I liked the foreshadowing you did, where Jenkins had a feeling that their client was hiding something, and you delivered on that promise to the reader. You make us dislike him as much as Jenkins does, for all the same reasons, that was great.


Nit-pickingdom

I figured I’d just pop in her here and ask you.”


In front of me, well of us, was the high table where


Consider putting it in brackets, with a comma, ie (well, in front of us)

Our job was to figure out [i]why he shouldn't be going to jail.

I'm sure you can see the html typo

I watched the their lawyers frantically


Ok, nice! I like how you ended it, and I feel their dread as if it was my case. You did brilliantly on setting mood in this scene, taking the reader through varying emotions (yes, yes, we're winning...no no no no! 8-O) Loved that, and looking forward to more!



This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot