Chapter 1: A New Job
The hallway was silent.
Across from where I was sitting I could see a meeting going on, there were a lot of heated opinions being shared. One man seemed almost possessed with his hands erratic movements flying from one direction to the other. The woman who I guessed to be the “boss” of the meeting, was simply sitting at her ‘head of the table’ position drinking her coffee, and staring at papers directly below her sprawled on the dark wooden table.
I found myself appreciating the texture of what looked to be an expensive table. I was then distracted because the table shook and I looked up to see the man I noticed before, pounding his fists on it for what I assumed was the second time. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the passionate man to storm out? I found myself thinking as my hands found it’s way through my hair. Of course it got stuck because my curly thick hair never lets trespassers go through it. Protective hair. After I got my hand free the man looked towards the glass door and I knew he was about to make a run for it.
One I wished that I had something to drink, my throat was getting dry and I've been waiting for almost thirty minutes. Two It’s quite sad that this was my only entertainment, but I was somewhat grateful for it, three. The meeting was adjourned as the tall, angry or passionate man could have broken the glass door as he opened it, leaving the room in haste. Those still remaining in the room looked stunned and a little appalled, but the lady sitting at the front seat looked very amused. She had a slight smile on her face and brought the coffee back to her lips. I watched her carefully. Something about the way she was acting told me she expected the man’s reaction and possibly even wanted the man’s reaction. Did he do something wrong to her and she was just paying him back? Or did she hate him? Or did he hate her and she just found it entertaining? Or did I get this whole scenario wrong? I’m no Sherlo-
“Excuse me, Miss, are you here for the job interview?” A calm voice interrupted my thoughts and I looked at the face who spoke to me. She was fairly tall, although compared to me most people were tall, and she had a prominent nose, very noticeable. Her hair was blonde and covered her shoulders in a flattering way and she had light blue eyes. She wore raspberry colored lipstick and her nails were painted a light purple. She seemed like she didn't really want to be in her position, and she also seemed like she cared a lot about what people thought of her. She dressed formally, and she spoke carefully, pronouncing each word like she knew she was better than me, and then she raised an eyebrow just to add emphasis as to whether or not I understood what she was saying, or at least that’s what it seemed.
“Yes. At least I think so, I've been waiting for so long I figured they've given the job to someone else!” I laughed a little. She smiled and raised an eyebrow again.
“No, no. Come this way please,” She directed me forward, and I stood from my seat gripping tightly onto the folder on my lap, and followed her. I was surprised that she didn't ask for my name, but then again it just proves my guess that she wasn't happy with her position so she didn't feel the need to do her job properly. That and, or, she felt she was better than me so she didn't need to know my name. That, or she was smart and figured that I would have never made it this far into the building if they didn't already have my name, and if I hadn't gone to the receptionist. She stopped abruptly in front of a door, it was glass, and the room inside it was visible. I found it intriguing and a little scary that everything was visible, but then again, what’s a law firm without honesty and openness? On the glass door it was placed “Maryanne Lister: Hiring Agent”. I smiled, here comes my chance at getting the highest paying job I could ever have. I was about to go in when a hand stopped me. I turned to the lady who brought me here.
“I think you’re nice so I’ll tell you now, just let her speak and don’t interrupt her. And also, Miss, do not ever wear that ensemble again. Especially those shoes.” She looked at me serious for a moment sizing me up and then she smiled and nodded towards the door. I sighed and thanked her as I opened the door.
What was so wrong about my ensemble? I was wearing black dress pants and a white T-shirt underneath a black suit jacket. It was good enough, not too fancy, not too simple. I tried to balance between comfortable and professional but it seemed like I failed. Slight nerves hit me right as I stepped into the room, despite the fact that if I looked clearly enough I could’ve see the inside of it a moment ago. I walked toward the woman at the desk and sat down in front of her she as she was looking at some paperwork. For a while we just sat there in an awkward silence as I expected her to speak and she said nothing. Finally she broke it looking up at me bewildered.
“Aren't you going to say something? Tell me about your expertise, about how and why you deserve the job? About all the different law schools you went to, and how you have your masters or PhD? Although I admit, you look too young for a PhD. But why not plead your case?”
“I want to know who you are looking for, first.” I answered quietly, her face was that of someone who has toiled their whole life, hard and experienced. She had dark brown hair that barely reached her shoulders and golden brown eyes, especially when the light hit it. She smiled a little at my reply.
“Really? And you don’t already know? How did you find out about this job?”
“I’ve subscribed for information on openings for associates in several different law firms.” She looked impressed.
“Have you gone to any other ones?” She asked. I wondered if this was some sort of test to her. She was staring at me intently as if my answer would determine what type of person I was.
“Just one, I liked the office and the firm, but they didn’t really want me.” I explained. She looked confused.
“They didn't want you as in you individually?” I smiled and nodded.
“Were they being discriminatory?” She questioned, excitement in her eyes. Maybe she was hoping they were racists or something so that she could take them down. This made me smile slightly.
“No, they offered me the job but I refused,” She went back to confusion so I continued. “I didn't fit in with who they really wanted. They wanted someone who would sit back and help them with all the paperwork and look through their by laws, and get their coffee and still be content and happy with the job. I am not that person. I want to be a part of the action. I’m a lawyer because I want to help people and effect change, not because I want to have the title.” She was looking at me intensely throughout my statement and there was a change of features throughout. She seemed like she had some kind of understanding. She nodded at me after a moment of silence and then sighed.
“Can I see your resume?” She asked without emotion. I nodded and handed the folder to her. It was embarrassingly wrinkled because I had held onto to it the whole time. I had forgotten all about it. It was the only thing that I brought with me from the car apart from my phone which was in my pocket. She opened it without a word and started filing through my information. She looked and looked, so I decided to look too.
I glanced quickly around her room and noticed that she must sleep here sometimes because, I could see that her couch was quite indented on all the cushions and an article of clothing was badly hidden underneath one of the big pillows. She had a diet coke on one corner of the room that was opened and just sitting there. I wondered if she ever sat at that corner filing through papers and thinking. The thought made me smile because I too had a spot in which I sat and thought and processed cases or situations. The woman cleared her throat and I turned to look at her.
“You’re hired. You’ll be our new associate, and I want you to start working on Monday. Bring your things in anytime before then though, considering you already work here. We’re only closed on holidays but most people take the weekends off. I’ll need you to sign some paperwork and then Angela will show you to your office, it’s not too far from here.” She said all of this in what seemed like one breath and all I could do was grin.
“Thank you,” I told her. She was looking through papers at her desk and then paused to smirk at me.
“Hope that means you’ll take the job? Or do we not really want you either?”
“Well, it depends on the contract I have to sign, doesn't it?” I told her, and she looked confused again, I almost wanted to laugh. “I haven’t accepted the job quite yet. But I’m hoping for it to work out.” I told her sincerely. She laughed.
“Me too. Legal consultant for four years, and you got hired straight out of college and graduated from Harvard Law School summa cum laude! And you have the spirit of a fighter. I hope you like what we can offer.” I nodded at her.
“All I want, is to know that I will be heard, I will not be taken for granted, made to do things that I do not feel will either benefit the company in the long run or are morally correct. I want to have some freedom and leeway and I promise the best results.” I told her seriously. She eyed me carefully as if to try to decipher whether or not I was tricking her, or if I was serious about everything I had said.
But by the end of her stare I believe she made a decision. A decision to believe me.
“Well then Ms. Jenkins, welcome aboard.”
- - - - - -
The walk home to my apartment was always cold and tiresome, even when I didn't stay out all night like I did that Friday. I was randomly invited to a dinner party as the “newbie” of the law firm. It was fun. But also annoying to have to talk about such meaningless and mundane things. So much so, I could've easily been talking to a rabbit.b But even more so, fending away the “eligible”, or rather ineligible, bachelors that the firm had to offer. If for any crazy reason men was why I was looking for a firm, no matter how nice Maryanne had been my answer would've been no.
Other than the painful experience of socializing, it wasn't so bad, I got to discover a lot about the firm and the people involved in it. And Angela, the blonde lady and I had formed somewhat of a friendship with, stuck by me the whole night. She was the one who gave me the advice about not saying anything. It was good advice but I was probably not going to say anything either way. I could tell also at the party that she really does have a self-esteem issue, she was very protective over me, and told them not to bully me, someone who has been bullied would try to protect, not to mention the way she glared at anyone who laughed her way.
Maybe there was a rumor once spread about her? She told me before we got to the restaurant not to believe a word people said about her. She seemed paranoid throughout the whole night actually, the more I thought it over, the more her strange behavior came to me. It made me wonder what kind of atmosphere I would be getting into on Monday as I officially would step into the world of Law. Well, technically of law firm. It would be my first, and I could just feel my heart jumping at the thought of doing my first case. I couldn't wait. Being a legal consultant was something short of torture for me, but I realized it was a good start. It was an independent start, and if all failed, since I was my own boss, I could rehire myself as a legal consultant and have something to fall back on.
I arrived at the apartment building I was living in and entered the front lobby. Mr. Bellard was at the front desk where behind him were all sorts of spare room keys. I wondered why he kept them at display. What if someone stole one when he wasn't looking? I was sure it had happened before. He lit up when he saw me, like usual, it used to make me feel uncomfortable considering he was a single and a little passed middle aged, but later I grew to know the difference between his friendship kindness and his ‘I’m interested’ kindness. He had a nice full out smile, but if he didn't grin his face was kind of solemn despite any small smile. He was balding a bit but not fully and his hair was wispy and brown. He waved at me.
“Hello there, Jenkins!” He like many other people called me by my last name only. I smiled at him politely and was about to walk past him to climb the stairs when he continued.
“Did you get the job?” Oh right! No wonder he had been staring at me as if I just ignored him. I forgot I told him about my job opportunity. I smiled at him again.
“Yes, and I accepted it this time.” I told him, and he grinned and gave me a thumbs up. I laughed and shook my head at his unnecessary concern with my life and walked on up. I lived on the second floor of the building so I never had to worry about taking the elevator. Room 203 was mine, and I was happy to have it. As soon as I could afford to have this small place I made sure to get it. Now that I would be getting more money I might move out, but I’ve gotten quite accustomed to the special little home I had. It pretty much had everything I needed. As I opened the door, I surveyed the place.
I forgot to wash some of my dishes because I was rushing to go to the dry cleaners and they sat in the sink. The table was filled with books of law, I was revising in case someone wanted to be funny and test me on things. My two seater couch had blankets on them from me watching the news the previous night, and it ended up being where I fell asleep because I was too lazy to move to my bed, which lay open at the other side of the room. The floor at least was spotless except for the rich purple carpet where some law books were because I had been sitting on the floor to think certain things through. The carpet was my thinking spot.
Sighing, I removed the suit jacket I had been wearing and hung it on my coat racket. I closed my door behind me and moved towards the sink. I had to get the worst done first. I think my first investment with my new found money will be a dishwasher. I had been wanting to get it for a long time, but instead of using my money for it I would end up buying new clothes, or books, or artifacts that I would never use but liked to look at.
I had about four porcelain dogs around my house. I had a quilt that was filled with about every color known to man. I had about twenty coasters handmade by someone I have never met before. I had a crochet of an owl. I had a lot of cups of different shapes and sizes. I even had a glass bowl filled with marbles. The glass bowl came with the marbles yes, or maybe it was the other way around? Anyway, I had a lot of things that are fun to look at and I realized that I really like collecting them. It makes me seem like a really lonely person but I’m not, I just like looking at things, and there’s nothing wrong with being alone.
When I finished the dishes I quickly started to clear off the table and floor and stacked the books in the bookshelf. Once that was done, I settled on my couch, turned on the TV for background noise and started to think. Why was that man so angry in the conference? I realized now that during the dinner get-together that I was invited to, nobody seemed completely comfortable, there was an odd tension floating around. Like everyone was on their toes. I believe it had something to do with the woman I saw there. She was the same woman I saw in the top chair sipping coffee earlier that day. Except when she’s standing she’s much more frightening and her sharp features are clear.
From her stance you could tell that she was demanding yet purposeful. She didn't tell people to do things just to be the boss, she told people to do things because she knew the outcome would be good. I respected her instantly, but I could tell that she was most likely the reason that everyone seemed on edge. I never got to speak to her. She was right there at times, but she would talk to the person next to me and completely ignore me.
I wasn't offended but I was a little surprised. I thought about approaching her and saying something, but I knew that would seem desperate. And then it made me wonder; what if she wanted to know if I was desperate? What if it was some kind of mind game? That made me frustrated; I had enough of those with my parents growing up. I had enough of those almost everyday of my life, but I knew it was just the beginning to a whole lot more. I understood that law included some mind games and tricks, but that was suppose to be within the courtroom. Not in everyday life.
There was a sudden knock on my door and I jumped a little, not used to the sound. I groaned at having to get up and walked towards the door, taking my time. When I arrived at the door the person knocked again. I sighed and opened it. My mouth dropped open involuntarily and I took a step back. Rolland, my neighbor across from me was standing in front of me with a gun in his right hand.
“W-what are you doing?” I barely whispered out to him, quickly closing the door.
“Hey!” He started laughing. “I don’t mean any harm! I just thought I’d warn you that there’s been a break in at Marla’s room so I’m just suggesting you protect yourself with something. I got my gun, so if you hear anything call me and I’ll help you.” I gave him a weak smile and nodded.
“Thank you very much Rolland. Say hi to Betty and the little one for me.” I greeted like usual.
“Of course, and actually if you need a gun -”
“Oh, I won’t need one, thank you!” I said quickly and then shut the door.
I shut my eyes and tried to breathe evenly, and also ignore the ominous sensation in my stomach that came when I wondered how he might have known about the break-in at Marla’s. If Bellard had known, he would have said something! Wouldn’t he? Would he?
I tried to sleep that night but three things kept me up, the “boss” at the Law firm, my Monday move-in, and the strange fact that Rolland came to warn me about the break-in. Marla wasn’t even on our floor. The thoughts ran back and forth in my mind, until finally, sleep consumed me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey Sky! I am here to review your wonderful piece of work.
I honestly love helping people to adjust their sentences! I have great pleasure in helping out (that's why I love YWS so much). I do ask questions too, to do with the plot. But I see that etherealember and Deanie have covered most of it >.> next time I will slip in before them xD but it is my own fault for being incredibly late. Life has been a real struggle. I'm glad I am here though! Yay!
I have probably reviewed some of your work before but I have an absolutely terrible memory. So, of I have, you'll know that I focus on the sentence structure, redundancy, the layout of your work
This is quite a chunky sentence. I know you a describing what she is doing, but if you read this aloud it seems to be lengthy. I suggest cropping it down. Perhaps you should describe where she is sitting, stop it and then tell us what she is doing. Also, I love the first impressions you give off - as they say impressions only come once! You don't get another. Character introductions are just as important, fiction or not.
So! Back to the cutting. Maybe you should structure it like this: The woman who I guessed to be the “boss” of the meeting was simply sitting at her ‘head of the table’ position. She was drinking her coffee, and staring at papers directly below her sprawled on the dark wooden table. But it is up to you. I am here to suggest, not to make.
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This sentence could be a lot simpler. But, I really liked how you caught my attention with this - I am now (or then) wondering why this man is acting the way he is. You obviously show us here that the man is angry, or doesn't agree, instead of telling us. I like that. Well done
This is how it could be simpler though: Suddenly distracted by the shaking table, I looked up to see the man I noticed before, pounding his fists on it for what I assumed was the second time. What do you think? ^^
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xD
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I'm always nitpicking about this. It's not really a biggie but I always think the limit to commas is about two, sometimes three. I was thinking instead of a comma for the last one, you could have an M-Dash. I'm on my phone right now so I can't show you one but you probably know what one is. Just to make sure, it us linger than a dash (-). It is up to you. You could even separate that last bit off so it is a minor sentence (for effect). Par exemple, "She dressed formally, and she spoke carefully, pronouncing each word like she knew she was better than me, and then she raised an eyebrow just to add emphasis as to whether or not I understood what she was saying. Or at least that’s what it seemed."
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Hmmm. I wasn't too sure about this sentence. "but then again it just proves guess" doesn't quite fit. There are a few other ways of saying what you did, I can understand it well enough, but it is a little awkward. Why not put "my guess that she wasn't happy with her position was confirmed by the way she thought she didn't need to do her job properly". Or something similar
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I don't think you really would have to be smart to know such things. If you hadn't have known, I would think you were absent minded or didn't think things out properly, but not dumb. So I suggest just putting "figured out" and crossing out the "smart".
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A little bit of redundancy, dear Sky. Here are some synonyms: perceptible, perceivable, seeable, observable, noticeable, detectable, discernible; in sight, in/on view, on display;
evident, apparent, manifest, transparent, plain, clear, conspicuous, front-and-center, obvious, patent, unmistakable, unconcealed, undisguised.
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Hhhmmm. Clearly? I don't really think that sounds right :/ maybe it is just me, but I think you should replace it with another word. Hard?
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I'm not sure if was for effect but you used "and" four times. I read it aloud and thought that effect wasn't all that effective. (now I'm being redundant) Perhaps just taking out the first three and making it more like a list would be more appropriate.
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Why not say "indents in the cushions" instead of "quite indented on all the cushions"?
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No need for the comma after "want"
I'm sorry this is a short review, but I promise the next will be better. Great first chapter! I loved it.
Your sincerely,
Traunt
Hi
As well as that, I adored the scene where she is having her interview. From reading it you can already tell Jenkins is a unique person who is wise and sets out to get what she wants in such a way that it doesn't feel demanding, but you feel the need to give it to her anyway.
ThewritersdreamI mean, uh, Skydreamer! Looks like I could get to this sooner than I thought I would be able toFirstly, let me say this might be a long review, but not because this work is bad at all! I just seemed to collect quite a few nitpicks and I thought it might be helpful to point them out. When it comes to actual story, there isn't too much for me to criticize there!
What I liked about this was the idea that we as readers are beginning at the beginning of something new in Jenkins's life as well. She has just got a job, and we're going to see how this may or may not (hopefully the first) change her life in some ways. I hope you've also researched well on law, but I am sure you have
One thing I felt was that from the way the person leading Jenkins to the interview room spoke of the woman (why did she remain nameless?) who would be taking her interview, it sounded like she was going to be a hard woman to get by. But from your description of her and they way she behaved, it sounded more like she was kind, understanding person than anything. Maybe you need to build her character the right way, or just cut what the woman says before Jenkins enters? Some ways to make her seem like a harder person could be to have her evaluate Jenkins clothes and especially her shoes before she comes in, shaking her head slightly in disappointment. And asking some snappy questions instead of seeming so kind.
Speaking of names, I having to refer to all these people simply as 'woman'. Even though we are introduced to an awful lot of characters that aren't all important ones so we can't get all their names, we are introduced to a lot of characters that star in the scenes for a long time. Which means we do need their names, and I feel like we should at least have them to be able to say 'this is this person' and 'that is that person.' Maybe this is something to think about. Unlike the reviewer below me, I don't mind the amount of people we are being introduced to in this chapter. I just feel a bit annoyed at the low amount of names we have!
I have noticed that you have a small problem with having too many run on sentences. I try and see it like this when it comes to writing: if a sentence has more than one or two commas, it needs to be split in two. In this case, the sentence fits the bill. And yet, I'm still pulling it out. That's because a sentence only has one topic, and yet that sentence moves on to different things. Which means you have connected two separate sentences with a comma, and that isn't correct. I would've written the above as: Across from where I was sitting I could see a meeting going on. There were a lot of heated opinions being shared which was easy to see because one man seemed almost possessed, his hands erratic movements flying from one direction to the other.
Do you see how I slightly rephrased that, adding bits and taking them from here and there?
I know 'for' is technically correct. But it feels so formal and I stumbled over the word there. It's just so much easier to have the word 'because'. Also, to stick with past tense I think you mean noticed.
Same point as before. For = because. And wow, this sounds like my hair xD
This is a comma splice! Which means a comma is the wrong form of punctuation to use here and you're better off with something else. Because not everyone knows he is going to make a run for it but Jenkins from that look, perhaps mention that? So make this: After I got my hand free the man looked towards the glass door and I knew he was about to make a run for it.
Comma after 'tall'.
Again, we get to comma splice here. I think the comma should really be a full stop here.
This whole paragraph is what I am referring to when I say this: we have too much repetition of the word 'she'. And because this was such a long paragraph, the repetition was really noticeable and I found myself skimming through it instead of really reading it. This could be avoided (yep, linking back to the beginning of the review) if we had this woman's name! I know I am being repetitive now, but I though this might be the perfect example of where a name is really necessary.
Hm, I know this is probably not intentional but... have you ever seen the movie 'The Devil Wears Prada'? If not, go see it xD But there is a point when someone is coming in for a job, and the assistant tells her never to wear those clothes again, and especially not those shoes. I am sure this is a massive coincidence, but when reading this my mind immediately zoomed back to that movie. So maybe this is something to think about and possibly edit?
When we first see the interviewer, I feel like me need a bit more of her description right then and there, when Jenkins has just opened the door. This is because she is a character we have heard about, and Jenkins has heard about, before we see her. And when I hear rumors about someone (well, if I ever do) the first thing I do when I see them is take in their physical appearance before I talk to them and get to know them personally. So I felt like it would be in Jenkins natural self to give us a bit of a description of her before the interview starts and she sits down. Maybe while she is waiting for the interviewer to say something. Just make sure to give it some edge, so we know the toughness of this woman. (Wait a sec, I might be repeating myself again.) >.>
I would make that comma a full stop for the same reason as others mentioned.
Make that comma the word 'because' instead. Remember, commas can't substitute conjunctions!
I always pick these things out but when I am writing myself this word also seems to slip in unnecessarily. I would cut the word 'just' here, because it doesn't add anything to the sentence. It just doesn't
Comma after the word 'well.'
We get a repetition of 'whether or not' here. I think you can see how I am pretty good at tracking down repetition. It's important it all gets removed because too much repeated can make writing seem dull. Or at least create that impression. Seeing as this story is anything but dull, it's important we show it's potential, right? So how about this: try to decipher whether or not I was tricking her, or if I was serious about everything she said.
This is a place where commas really do work well
This sentence has a comma splice in it. I would put a full stop in place of the second comma, changing the second part into a full sentence. There was also a little bit of repetition of the word 'exhausting' and that part was a little confusing to understand. I gathered what you meant though, after rereading it a few times. Here's what I believe to be a simpler version: It was annoying to have to talk about such meaningless and mundane things. So much so, I could've easily been talking to a rabbit.
Comma after the 'so'.
I am going to rewrite this completely. Compare the two, and I am sure you can figure my reasoning
My version: And Angela, the blonde lady and I had formed somewhat of a friendship with, stuck by me the whole night. She was the one who gave me the advice about not saying anything. It was good advice but I was probably not going to say anything beforehand.
My only question now is: what was the advice she gave? What was she supposed to be saying (or rather, not saying) anything about?
Change the first comma to 'because'? The second comma to a full stop. Begin the next sentence like: she told them not to bully me and I knew only someone who was bullied would try to protect me like that. Not to mention the way she glared at anyone... etc. The rest is fine ^^
Also, as I was reading the second half of this where we get a summary of the party, I kept thinking it would've been nicer if we could've actually been there in the scene. Actually got to see Jenkins flirted with (I wonder what her age is?) and also see Angela protecting her and fending off other people, even though I don't understand why she might even need protecting? It would've been nice to be there in the moment, have some lovely description, dialogues and atmosphere. Reading about it as a summary made me feel like I had missed out on a party or so!
The comma should be a full stop.
Comma a full stop here too?
This left me wondering, why would she survey the place now of all times? She lives here, so it's all familiar to her, and she must know the condition she left it in before? Maybe you should have it more of consequence. What I mean, is when she opens the door her eyes are immediately drawn to the stack of dishes that need to be doing. She sighs, resigning herself to doing it. She passes a table stacked with books and picks her way through the notes that are scattering the carpet because she studied before she left. Doing that, we get to see all the setting, as well as not having her doing something out of the ordinary. I am sure you can put all your lovely description in there instead of using my terrible example
Comma after the word 'floor' and 'least'. So two needed really ^^
Comma needed after the first word. (Gee, all those commas! Dun worry, I have a similar problem. It's just so much easier picking these out in other people's works...)
Did you mean to have the repetition in the middle there? I advise you to take it out. And maybe to make the flow of this sentence better just make it: I had a lot of cups of different shapes and sizes. No need for any commas!
You used 'anyways' at one point. I figured the other day that anyways is actually slang, and it should actually always be anyway.
Sometimes, be a little careful, because once or twice I spotted a change to present tense. I decided not to pull those occasions out, but make sure to check for it when you're editing!
I would make the comma a colon instead.
Make the comma a semi colon instead?
Also, if she is so frustrated with mind problems and all that, why did she like law so much? Was it because it's so rewarding when she solves a case? I want to know! Otherwise these two thoughts are contradicting themselves. My advice is to give us reasoning why she is in law when she is frustrated with mind problems. I hope you can come up with a suitable reason.
If my neighbor came to my door with a gun, I would NOT be slowly closing the door. I would be jumping back or slamming it in his face, but definitely no slow movements when the shock and rush of adrenaline screaming danger is rushing through me! Her actions here need to be more immediate.
Now here is a great mystery I wish I knew the answer to: What is Jenkins first name? I want to know!
Otherwise, this was all a great chapter, Sky. I can't wait to see where this goes and it was an awesome introduction. I really love Jenkins character already, and I can see her being strong lead role. I know I was a bit picky and mean in this review, but just remember that most of it is nitpicks and things easily corrected! The core essence of this chapter is perfect enough already.
I am looking forwards to getting round to the next part
Deanie x
:O this is amazing
Since you spent so much time and effort on your review. I%u2019ll take time to write my reply.
Thank you so much!!!! I am a run-on sentence queen. (And it is very sad.) This has happened since I was a little girl in English class. Apparently my sentences don%u2019t like to stay still. Believe it or not, I%u2019ve tried to find them. And I%u2019ve tried to cut them, but when I do I tend to cut them wrong or use my comma%u2019s wrong. Basically I just could work on my sentences more altogether.
After reading your review I%u2019m starting to think I need someone to help me edit my work before I actually post it. xP So thank you, thank you, thank you for your efforts! In fact I%u2019m going to my next chapter to edit stuff so that you (hopefully) won%u2019t have the same workload. xP
Thanks again for all of the nitpicks! I edited as I was reading your review.
Now I%u2019m just going to reply on plot questions you had:
Speaking of names, I having to refer to all these people simply as 'woman'. Even though we are introduced to an awful lot of characters that aren't all important ones so we can't get all their names, we are introduced to a lot of characters that star in the scenes for a long time.
Sorry about the names. I will say this, Jenkins%u2019 first name was kept out on purpose. As for the other names, Jenkins didn't know who they were so their names could not yet be revealed. I did however reveal Maryanne%u2019s name, and then later Angela%u2019s and then her housemates and landlord. xP The only names I didn't include were of people she hadn't had direct contact with (the strange %u201Cboss%u201D woman and the passionate man). I guess I could throw the name of the strange woman in there so that it%u2019s not confusing.
Also, the example you gave where you said I repeated %u2018she%u2019 too much and if I had used her name it would have been better? Well, I tried and it wasn%u2019t exactly better, I would still have to use %u2018she%u2019 for most of the descriptions, and it would sound weird if she called her Angela while describing her features, it seems a little too personal. xP But I%u2019ll see if I could have added her name in there earlier when I re-edit this chapter. : )
...it sounded like she was going to be a hard woman to get by. But from your description of her and they way she behaved, it sounded more like she was kind, understanding person than anything.
Yeah, I think I see the confusion with how I described her, but I feel like that%u2019s just how some people are. They seem like their hard and tough, but that%u2019s an exterior they pull off, while their interior is actually a kind person.
I am sure this is a massive coincidence, but when reading this my mind immediately zoomed back to that movie. So maybe this is something to think about and possibly edit?
I completely agree! I was being spontaneous with this chapter (as always with my ideas it%u2019s run and go) and I just thought clothes would be a bonding connection, and I didn%u2019t take it from that movie. I think I%u2019ve watched it once, but I can%u2019t remember anything except (was it Anne?) getting out of a black car, and red heels. lol. I don%u2019t even think I watched the whole movie. Anyway, thank you. I will see how to edit it, but still keep the clothes connection.
What was the advice she gave? What was she supposed to be saying (or rather, not saying) anything about?
General advice, who she should talk to, who she shouldn't talk to. Who acted what way. Advice the narrator doesn't really feel the need to explain. xP It%u2019s not specific advice in any way.
Also, as I was reading the second half of this where we get a summary of the party, I kept thinking it would've been nicer if we could've actually been there in the scene.
Haha, sorry! As I read what you wrote, I was thinking, shoot! I should have included a flashback scene of the party. It would have been smart to do so. When I got back and re-edit (majorly), I might add a flash-back scene and then I%u2019ll let you know. Thanks!
This left me wondering, why would she survey the place now of all times? She lives here, so it's all familiar to her, and she must know the condition she left it in before?
Maybe survey wasn%u2019t the right word to use, but when I used it, I meant she looked over her home. You know, when you get to your room and you %u201Csurvey%u201D the room to see all the mess you made (well, in my case at least). People can survey places that they%u2019ve been before! xP I just meant %u2018look over%u2019 and survey seemed alright to use. If not I%u2019ll try to come up with something else when re-editing.
Thanks so much!! Again, her name is to be kept a secret for plot purposes. x)
<3 <3 <3
ahhhh I used another page so that I could give a long reply D: sorry!
Its okay! I can still understand it ^^ You've cleared up a lot of my points with reasoning already
It's no problem with the sentences and all that, I end up making the same mistakes time and time again as well :3
Heeeeey Sky
You've got a good story going here! I am usually not into law type stories, but you have characterised Jenkins well. I liked the power play between the her and the interviewer, it made it very believable that she earned the job! I also like how you made her contemplative thoughts interesting, and had us the reader trying to figure out the mysteries along with her. I was fascinated with your description of the protective hair, implying that protecting herself is a key part of her character.
My concerns in this chapter is that too many characters were introduced. I couldn't tell if the intimidating woman at the party was the same as the stern lady who interviewed her. I would figure that Jenkins would refer to her by name if she was the same person, but still, if you have two people with similar personas, try and emphasise their differences more, or space them out in different chapters. If Jenkins compared the stern lady at the party with the interviewer, that would have made it clear that they were 2 people.
I liked the gun bit at the end, it made me sit up in my seat! I was expecting it to go further than where you left it, trying to think of what I would do in that situation. The one thing I wondered was why she didn't immediately inform the front security about the situation, or at least make sure they were aware of both the robbery, and this Rolland guy with the gun who seems way too casual about it. I wouldn't feel safe enough to rest until I knew someone was taking action. The choice is yours though, and I am sure it's just a tease, not a "Gorilla in a phone booth"*
As for some of the nit-picky issues, you sometimes mix past and present tense in one sentence, and the sentences can get a bit long with a word order that's difficult to understand the first time I'm reading it.
Specifics below:
With this sentence, it was just the last bit that confused the meaning for me. Mainly the receptionist bit, leaving me asking "did she or didn't she go to the receptionist." I'm kind of getting what you mean now, but after I've read it a few times. Perhaps add an if, ie "....,and if I hadn't gone to the receptionist."
It's unclear if the jacket is black or the woman is black...
Small typo.
Maybe break up this sentence a bit more. Again, the last part was a bit tricky to get the meaning. Are you saying that if Jenkins was looking for an eligible bachelor, and Maryanne offered her the job, her answer would have been no? Why? If Jenkins was the type to manhunt on a job, wouldn't she say yes in this case, considering all the eligible bachelors giving her their attention?
Correction there.
Also, I lost track of where, but you write "Anyways" a few times, you just need to say "Anyway". Small things, but sharpening your use of words would help sell the law firm concept. That said, getting extremely nitpicky would be changing "Can I see your resume?" to "May I see your resume?"
Good job, dear! Going to check out chapter 2
*"Gorilla in a phone booth" is a metaphorical phrase used to describe a story aspect which gets the reader's attention because of how unusual it is, but then that event is passed over without referring to it again, leaving the reader frantic and asking "But, you just told us about a gorilla in a phone booth, explain! What's going to happen to it?"
Hi!
I am quite fascinated by law-related stories recently; and this sure piqued my interest.
So quick comments :
Why is boss in quotes? It gives me an uneasy feel about this woman. Also, I wasn't sure why you had quoted the 'head of the table' part of your text. I wasn't sure what to make of it.
Character development: I really like what you have going on here. I love how you began with a confident woman taking on her interviewer with clear objectives. The little descriptions were pretty good for development.
My issues here were that if indeed this girl was interviewing, she would know the name of the "boss" for the most part, and would refer to her as something other than the woman, ja? Also, again with using the term 'boss', I think you can show it to us better. As in show us through description and actions.
And then, you show more of your MC in the second half. I quite like how you're working in solid characters this way.
I don't quite have anything else to say, but I really would like to read more. Let me know if another one is up.
Cheers,
L
First of all, thank you so much! I am excited because I love law-related stories. : )
To answer your questions,
the reason why "boss" was in quotes is because she didn't know the lady that she saw at the conference waiting for her interview. She only guessed that she was the boss. And if you feel uneasy about the woman, you should.
As for the 'head of the table' thing, I just wanted to point out that she was sitting at the front, of the table. You know, at the "top dog" spot. But if that's confusing I'll just take those quotes out.
The lady is not the actual boss. xP I just wanted to mention that she had a specific authority to her, she was the boss of the meeting, but perhaps not the entire place. I'll try to be more clear on that when I edit, and not use boss so much.
Thank you! And I will let you know! xD (Also I noticed I used quotes a lot.)