Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
What was freedom? What did it taste like? Was it even real anymore?
Yashagami -or Yagi as he preferred to be called -wanted freedom. He hated living in this building where he was stuck in the same room all day and all night behind a locked door. He hated it with a passion. No one in the facility hated it more than him.
His room was all white except for some color that he brought in himself by hobbies. When he was younger, he was allowed to color, and he’d use colorful paper to make origami. Now each of the animals: a blue fox, a red butterfly, and a yellow duck sat neatly on his white bookcase, bringing the only life to his boring canvas of a room.
Every room was the same shade except for those animals. He used to think of this place as an insane asylum. The walls were padded, there was a table with two chairs, a bed that was really like a comfortable cot, there was the bookcase, a sink, a bathroom located in the room behind the sink, there was a dresser and a mirror. His room was above boring. Nothing in his room ever changed except for the minuscule amount of color he was allowed to display.
He hated being in the room stuck with his thoughts, but what he hated the most in his room was the mirror. He hated to look at himself. Looking at how much he had grown reminded him that he had spent his entire life of seventeen years here behind walls.
For seventeen years having never felt the warm sun on his face.
For seventeen years of having no family.
For seventeen years he had been waiting for freedom.
For seventeen years he was being watched.
He hated how he knew there were people on the other side of that mirror. People who were always watching him all night and all day. Occasionally he would give them the middle finger at that mirror just to get them mad, knowing they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Served them right for watching him twenty-four-seven, he thought.
He had tested it. One time he decided to stay in the bathroom for exactly two hours and three people came in searching for him to make sure he was okay and hadn’t drowned himself. When he was younger, he acted like he was having a seizure, and Doctor came to check on him. Another time he got mad and started to hit the mirror so two men dragged him to his bed and locked him in it. It never took long for someone to come check on him.
They kept him in a locked-up room with no one to see other than those he saw every week like Doctor and Nurse who did their weekly checkups on him and the other hundreds of teenagers like him that existed within the facility’s walls.
Yagi hated it here. Why were they here? If there was any question that irritated him the most, it was that one. The answer no one would ever answer no matter what he tried.
However, there was one thing positive about the facility. The one person he was allowed to speak too, his best friend Sakuro. They talked through the small vent in their wall. They were both tall enough now that they could even stand on the bed to look through the vent and see each other. They used to be punished for it but after a while, the consequences stopped because they stood on the beds so often.
Yagi liked being able to see Sako. They used to describe what they looked like to each other when they were still too small to see one another. Sako had told him that he was Asian so naturally he had black hair, but he had vivid blue eyes. He said he was fit and tall also. He hated his smile and had a scar on the left side of his jaw that he didn’t know was caused by.
Yagi would tell him that he didn’t think he was Asian. He would describe himself as being fit and tall with brown eyes and blond, untamable wavy hair.
When they saw each other, they were exactly as they described each other. It was amazing to finally see your friend. Ever since then, they had looked at each other through the vent almost every day. It was the only good thing about each of their boring days.
Both the beds faced the same wall. The headboards were back-to-back. Yagi loved the fact that he actually had someone he could trust. Someone to talk to at any time and about whatever subject. He no longer felt lonely with his friends around. He didn’t have to worry about who Sako would tell if Yagi told him something serious. They could just talk.
He remembers the day Sakuro came to the facility. Both were ten at the time. Sako was the only kid who was rumored to not have been cared for since infancy at the facility. Someone had brought him. Yagi remembered the cries and the screaming that Sako had done when they locked him in the room. He remembered the sound of banging in his pointless attempt to get out of the room which then led to body slamming the door, but leaving the same result. He remembered when he heard him being punished for it and then giving up. He remembered staying awake because all he could think about was the kid next to him who was crying and couldn’t sleep. After all, he was scared. It was understandable why Sakuro was scared. No one ever explained to them why their life was like this.
“Hello.” Yagi had told him.
There was a sudden pause before a frightened reply. “Who said that?”
“Someone like you.” He answered, “I’m a friend. My name is Yagi.”
That night Sako stopped crying. They talked for an hour before there was silence from Sakuro’s room. He had fallen asleep. Sleeping and knowing that he had a friend and that he wasn’t alone anymore.
After years of knowing each other, they were more like brothers.
And they both wanted freedom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
There we go, the dice have been merciful 😊
He wouldn’t have a point of reference? No real idea what it would be like to have something else? I don’t disbelief that he’s bored and resentful of being stuck in this room and that he yearns for more.I already like how you lead into the prologue with these three questions ^^
Okay I can see one problem. Your paragraphs are riddled with repetitions that I feel don’t really add anything.
Like the first one has the “hate” problem. We have no context for where our guy is and why it is so hateable so mentioning his hate turns melodramatic. Maybe you could find something specific to say here?
Second paragraph has the same thing but with “color”. At some point less truly is more 😊
The beginning feels… uhm for the lack of a better term… very edgy =D
If our guy hasn’t seen or felt anything else, I also think that maybe he wouldn’t really think like this:
Hmm how to say this…. All his wishes feel as if they come from someone who knows the warmth of the sun and what family is supposed to be like etc. Not from someone who has no concept of them or only really heard of it. (But from whom? Why imprison him and then let his mind imagine?)
Like, I have trouble believing this person really was isolated from everyone. He sounds more like someone who grew up a decent bit in normal society and then got thrown into the room.
It’s in the little things, how he knows what the middle finger means etc. Would have been fun to have him come up with his own little gestures of rebellion, known to him. That he made up for himself in these long seventeen years.
Uhm so they are ok with keeping him in a room forever but balk at installing a camera in the bathroom? oô
I keep wondering: If they have been there for 17 years…who taught them how to speak? Why do they know what “Asian” looks like? Why make this difference? These things are starting to drive me mad XD
So I like the idea of the prologue. There’s obviously a reason for why this facility is hoarding children and I like how you introduce each of these plot points. It just feels at times lingering too long on certain parts (THE HATRED) and then brushing over very important aspects.
I find the education part extremely important. We know human contact is vital to babies so someone must have cared at least a little bit for the imprisoned kids otherwise they would have all died. If their education is unimportant: why can they speak at all? Is it just so they can answer the doctors etc? Which leads me to the second thing: We don’t know what the doctor and the nurse talk to them abt and that is kinda important for understanding why these characters behave like they do. Why they think this, why they use this language and these gestures.
I am more interested in how the kids came to be the way they are (like maybe Yagi saw security guards trading the middle finger and adopted it as its own and that would be a cool story to share here bc then we know there are security guards and Yagi occasionally sees them and that he is smart enough to extrapolate from their behaviour etc)
Leading to my next point: We don’t really learn all that much stuff abt Yagi. Why did they give him origami material? Can he request stuff for hobbies? And if he can do that, why cant they tell him what’s up? Or what is he missing that he cant get besides his freedom obv? Did his yearning for more (since apparently the facility does provide entertainment) maybe come from Saku who had all this (family, freedom, sun’s warmth) and lost it?
Hello, My Friend!
It’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the opening chapter in this story, using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
What a banger of a prologue! You introduce us to this facility and the concept of these teens being kept under 24/7 surveillance with very questionable living conditions, for reasons we have yet to fully understand. And of course, we learn the essentials about what seems like two main characters, Yagi and Sako. Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Great! In my personal experience, I've come to learn that prologues are a bit of a controversy in writing--their purpose, what they bring to the story, etcetera. This one feels pretty solid! I feel like it's a nice enough length, it doesn't drag on, and it's a very good way to establish the mood and the gist of the setting, while hooking the reader's interest. And presumably, it's giving us information that we can pocket before diving into Chapter 1, allowing us to focus on the gritty stuff. Pacing is also pretty solid--as I said, nothing feels like it's dragging on or bloated.
Descriptions and Setting: Good!! I really like your descriptions of Yagi's living conditions, and the types of interactions he has in the facility. And I especially LOVE your method of describing the characters to us, via a touching moment between the friends. As for setting, my only *minor* gripe was with the initial descriptions of the room. It felt like the two paragraphs were repeating eachother a bit, such as re-explaining how everything is white except for the origami.
This is my personal approach so take only what you want and consider the rest just the cawing of a mad raven (lol), but to spice things up a little bit, I think condensing the descriptions would help a bit, and if going all out, maybe adding some more active voice to help diversify the language (e.g, "oragami creatures decorated his white bookcase" vs "there were oragami creatures decorating his white bookcase") and finally, some sensory notes to bring the reader in (e.g, "the maddening nothingness of white noise" or "the smell of old paper and sterilizing cleaners"). But I digress--overall, I'd still score this section anywhere between 8-10 out of 10!
Characterization: I love out first introduction to Yagi and Sako. You make their bond especially clear, as well as Yagi's venting frustrations having spent all seventeen years of his life behind these walls. Sako, from the sound of it, is much more timid and already seems to have a different, maybe even opposite personality to Yagi. But clearly, that doesn't hinder them, nor does it change their ultimate goal--freedom.
Grammar and Wording: I only caught one tiny thing, which I dropped below in the next section. Otherwise, nothing to remark on here! Nicely done!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
I think there's an extra "o" in "to" there. That’s all! Great writing job ~
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Oh wow, so much I could put in here! It's a bit too early to form any theories, though I am VERY curious about what's keeping the boys in this facility, and how realistic their odds of freedom are at this point.
And now for reactions, for fun and to tell you what hit most...
To start, love this as an opening line. Simple, sweet, straight to the point, just the thing to draw me in!
The idea of being contained in a facility all your life is sad enough, but this really shocked me. 24-hour surveillance, through a mirror?! By who, what for, why?! Ooo, I've got to learn more about this >.>
Speaking of which, I'm fascinated by the fact that Yagi doesn't know why he's here. I wonder if this is a sort of "unreliable narrator" situation and he's either ignoring or denying the clues, or if it's an intentional secret. Fascinating...
This was such a sweet memory to include, to show off how Yagi and Sako met and bonded. Love that ~
MadThoughts...Overall, that was an amazing prologue and I can't wait to catch up on the rest! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
hai :3 I'm just going to be honest and say that even though the title hooked me in I never really read books. just poems. so this review might be a little awkward. im also not in the best mood, so.... yeah! imma review this!
i will say right off the bat that a short chapter for the first one is a really good sign. if people decide to read this in later chapters, they wont feel overwhelmed.
i completely forgot to review the first part becuase i was paying attention to the book, honestly. im picturing the white room in an anime called Hunter X Hunter, where they were stuck in there for two days. i know that wasn't the intention but that's the picture im painting XD
i hate mirrors too. i hate them with a passion. mirrors and windows. so i can relate to the guy.
why did the punishments stop? the doctors seem heartless, why would they care about them or be fond enough to bend the rules, instead of the punishments getting more severe?
overall, i love this! how was sako punished? i'm curious about that. although im sure ill read about that in the next chapters. im glad there were no spelling errors i found and the chapter ran smoothly. i could actually take my time reading this instead of glossing over it impatiently. i will advice you to not post two chapters every day or something like that. i dont know how much you post, but give people time to read it before thirty chapters are out and no one is interested in going that far back.
sorry if this wasn't much of a review, have a good day!
ATEEEEEEE RAHHHH
Hello there, Sky! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the nightmare S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - It appears that you have rewritten the story of “Hybrids”! The prologue begins with Yagi and Sako trapped in a facility, keeping each other company. They don’t take kindly to being trapped and they may as well escape one day…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow -I think that you meant to say “to” when you are talking about how Yagi can only talk to one person, but that’s just one small thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described Yagi’s feelings about the room he is trapped in. It’s all white with only the origamis as colors. His feelings about looking at himself in the mirror…it breaks my heart. The poor guy was locked up just because of who he was! But his brotherly love towards Sako is endearing and I enjoyed reading about how they are there for each other!
Closing Graham Cracker - Yagi and Sako know about the other’s existence. They care for each other and they are both restless. They’re tired of being trapped. Just how long are they going to listen to the doctors and nurses? It’s only a matter of time before they decide to break out…and I’ll read the first chapter tomorrow!
I wish you a bootiful day/night! ^v^
Hello hello!
I have rewritten it! It was a little dusty so I thought it deserved the revamp! And yeah...typos are my enemies. I will go back and fix those, thank you for point them out! I'm also so glad that you used the words "brotherly love" I had an issue with the past "edition" where people thought they were a couple.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read the prologue to Hybrids and leave such an amazing review! I appreciate all your thoughts and comments!
-Sky
You%u2019re welcome. People tend to only think that couples can be affectionate with each other when this isn%u2019t true. Friends siblings can also be affectionate with each other, just in different ways. I can totally see the brotherly connection.
Heyyy....quick review from my point of view and what I have understood from the story.
Let's get into it...The facility looms over the children like a shadow, holding secrets that seem to stretch back for years. It feels like a place where the lost and forgotten are gathered, kids who have no parents to miss them, or whose disappearances would go unnoticed. This unsettling atmosphere raises many questions. What experiments are being conducted behind those cold, unyielding walls? Are they testing illegal drugs, or perhaps trying to unlock the secrets of immortality? The thought that they might be transforming children into something supernatural sends a chill down the spine.
In the midst of this darkness, Yagi and Sako find a flicker of hope in their friendship. Despite the harsh punishments they face for speaking to each other, their bond offers a brief escape from the grim reality surrounding them. They share whispered dreams and fears, the only comfort in a world that seems intent on breaking their spirits. As the years pass, their curiosity grows—what truly happens in this facility? Their lives are mostly confined to the sterile presence of the doctor and nurse, and they ache for a glimpse of the outside world.
Living in such isolation, Yagi and Sako begin to hate the sight of themselves in the mirror, a reflection of their captivity and lost innocence. The yearning for freedom burns within them, a constant reminder of what they are missing. Each day, they cling to the hope that one day they might escape and discover the truth about the facility and themselves. The beginning of their journey is both gripping and haunting, leaving readers eager to uncover what lies ahead.
Well...that's it for this one
Hello hello!
I'm so glad you read the prologue to Hybrids! Thank you so much for your lovely review and thoughts and comments!
-Sky
Hi Sky! Oh my god, supernatural teens are my guilty pleasure so I thoroughly enjoyed reading that prologue. Anyways, let's get straight into the review shall we?
First impressions
Apart from a couple of mistakes like in this part where it'd be more natural to say "question" instead of "answer"
I'd say this was well written. I could sense the emotions and thoughts of our characters being conveyed thoroughly despite this being in the third person, and I really enjoy your writing style; it's entertaining throughout!
For the story
I really enjoyed the premise. 'hmm, why are they stuck in this lab like place?' 'what symbolism do the colors represent?' you kept me questioning throughout the story, making me want more.
Seeing the gorgeous coverart (I can never draw wings properly, you did a great job!), I assume some sort of avian-like race is involved, and you did some decent world building here.
Also, I really love stories centered around the characters, and moments like these are so cute and fun to read (makes me want to protect them lol... the 10 y/old ver of them).
All in all
I'm here to review and critique the story more than your writing and stuff, since me no gud at grammar too. And, you will probably see me invading your notifications for tonight as I plan to (if possible) review the 4 chapters you've uploaded because I really enjoyed this.
As always, have a nice day! If you're not, drink hot cocoa. It's delish
Hello hello!
Ah yes. typos are my arch nemesis. I will go back and fix those. Thank you so much for pointing those out! I'm so glad you enjoyed Hybrids! Thank you so much for your additional time to write the amazing review! I absolutely loved reading your thoughts and comments!
-Sky
Hello, and Happy Review Day! Hope it's been a good one for you thus far.
This is an intriguing start. You do a good job leaving plenty of room for readers to ask questions, "Why are these children locked up?" "Who locked them up?" etcetera, while still establishing a strong sense of character, conflict, and setting.
I really liked when you likened Yagi's room to a canvas. It was an effective descriptor that let me know exactly what to picture! However, I did notice some overlap in the information conveyed between that paragraph, and the one that follows.
Though the second paragraph provides information about the rooms facilities, it's first line and final line are essentially a rehashing of the prior paragraph. Between the two, I found said prior paragraph to be a lot more impactive than those two lines- but that impact may be diminished slightly when it's repeated in a slightly less effective manner. It's less interesting for the reader to read the same information twice with no new context.
I thought the dynamic between Yagi and Sako was very sweet, and their interactions were my favorite parts of this chapter! The paragraph about Sako's first night at the facility was heart wrenching, as was the following dialogue between the two. The end, as well, was a good cliffhanger to leave on. With the stakes firmly established, I can't wait to see what happens as we segue into the next chapter!
One thing I wanted to call out, here,
I actually liked the detail that Yagi doesn't know what ethnicity he is. Since he was born in the facility, away from any parents or society, it makes sense he wouldn't have a clue, but Sako would. I did find it odd that both ten-year-olds would call themselves 'fit and tall,' especially if they're locked in a room all day with little physical activity. It's also noted that they aren't tall enough to reach the vent until they are older.
(I did also notice both kids have scars on their chins that they can't source. Nice foreshadowing!)
All in all, a great start to this story! I'll be sure to check out the next chapter ASAP! Keep writing and have a great rest of your day!
Hello hello!
Thank you so much for reading the prologue to Hybrids! I'm so glad you enjoyed! And thank you so much for your wonderful review! I appreciate your thoughts and comments very much!
-Sky