We sit and wait
Quietly
Patiently
He will be here soon
Our vibrant star
We make the first move
A chess piece in a dark room
The Knight to the Bishop
We cry
We plead
Touch us...save us...
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
wow.
I loved that especially the ending!!
It's so mysterious like I love it.
It says so much in only a few lines. but I think it could use some commas.But it's alright the way it is.
I see great potential here. For example, I would've liked to see you elaborate a bit more on the "vibrant star" since it evokes a powerful image especially when you threw in there "our”: this heavy sense of possession. The narrators bide their time in silence, and they know their mark is coming.
I'm not sure if the format did it justice. Not all of the lines were consistent and I had no sense of flow -there was too much liberty for the audience to interpret how to read the piece that I felt I had no direction.
Then suddenly, a new metaphor is introduced. It served to perplex me. It was all too sudden. There was no transition from a "vibrant star" to this reference of chess.
Although I felt it worked -chess. Our narrators show a sense of control -as they waited "patiently". They made the "first move" in a chess metaphor something that is purely logical. To me cold and calculating, but then I'm disoriented by this emotional side introduced with their "cries" and "pleads" which goes against the impressions I've received from earlier.
My suggestion is to lengthen this portion to work with the two metaphors and really expound a bit more to explain the circumstances that lead this moment. Why the narrators seem to be in control, but towards the end are reduced to tears and plead.