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Blacklist - Prologue

by SkyLore

We sit and wait



He will be here soon

Our vibrant star

We make the first move

A chess piece in a dark room

The Knight to the Bishop

We cry

We plead

Touch us...save us...

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53 Reviews

Points: 4226
Reviews: 53

Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:54 am
zohali93 wrote a review...


I loved that especially the ending!!
It's so mysterious like I love it. :)
It says so much in only a few lines. but I think it could use some commas.But it's alright the way it is.

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58 Reviews

Points: 4801
Reviews: 58

Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:59 pm
reason wrote a review...

I see great potential here. For example, I would've liked to see you elaborate a bit more on the "vibrant star" since it evokes a powerful image especially when you threw in there "our”: this heavy sense of possession. The narrators bide their time in silence, and they know their mark is coming.

I'm not sure if the format did it justice. Not all of the lines were consistent and I had no sense of flow -there was too much liberty for the audience to interpret how to read the piece that I felt I had no direction.

Then suddenly, a new metaphor is introduced. It served to perplex me. It was all too sudden. There was no transition from a "vibrant star" to this reference of chess.

Although I felt it worked -chess. Our narrators show a sense of control -as they waited "patiently". They made the "first move" in a chess metaphor something that is purely logical. To me cold and calculating, but then I'm disoriented by this emotional side introduced with their "cries" and "pleads" which goes against the impressions I've received from earlier.

My suggestion is to lengthen this portion to work with the two metaphors and really expound a bit more to explain the circumstances that lead this moment. Why the narrators seem to be in control, but towards the end are reduced to tears and plead.

"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov