Welcome to the Jungle

PROLOGUE

May 8, 2069

Orlando, Florida

Knock! Knock! Knock! I ambled over to the front door. I opened it to see a young man standing there with a notebook.

“Mr. Raymer?” the young man asked me.

“Yes?”

“Mr. Raymer, I’m Sam Myers with the Orlando Sentinel newspaper, we spoke on the phone a week ago, you agreed to let me interview you about your life.”

“Oh! Yes. Come on in.” I said. “Would you like a cup of coffee Mr. Myers?”

“That would be great, sir.” I went into the kitchen and poured us both a cup of coffee. It was eleven o’clock, not too late to have coffee. He graciously sipped the cup of coffee as we made our way into the dining room.

He sat down at the kitchen table, opened his notebook, took out a pen and set a tape recorder down on the table. I sat down across the table, leaned my cane against my chair and sipped my coffee.

“It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Raymer.” The young man said with a huge grin on his face.

“Please, call me George.” I took another sip of my coffee. He looked as if he didn’t know how to start off this interview, so I started it for him.

“I’m an old man now, Mr. Myers. My life has come and gone like the wind, but I guess I can’t say I had the best life. I’m not sure I should even be alive right now. I have no family other than my daughter, who is out of college now doing her own thing. My wife died a year ago due to cancer and the rest of my family died a long time ago.”

I took a handkerchief out of my pocket and dabbed at the tears that had already started to run down my cheeks. I promised myself I wouldn’t start that.

“Fifty-eight years ago is when my life took a turn for the worst. I still remember it like it was yesterday.”

CHAPTER 1

July 4, 2011 Chattanooga, Tennessee

My friends and I got together on this warm day to play a little baseball. We always play on the open field down the block from John’s house. The grass in the field was brown, since we hadn’t had rain in two weeks. Almost every day after school the three of us would come down here and hit the ball around.

John stepped up to the plate, raised his left hand to his head and with two fingers he gently forced his blonde hair to hook over his ear. He swung a few practiced swings before he gave Jerry, who was pitching, the go ahead signal.

“Swing batter batter swing!” I barked. Jerry threw a curve ball. John swung. He missed it. The baseball skipped across the field until rolling to a stop near the forest edge. I ran after the ball and retrieved it. When I bent over to grab the ball I could hear a faint deep sound. It sounded like an explosion of some kind.

“What was that?” John asked.

“Probably someone lighting off fireworks early.” I guessed. I started walking back to the plate when John tossed the bat to me.

“Better luck next time John,” I proclaimed with a grin on my face. I looked at Jerry, who snuck in a quick chuckle and tossed the ball to him.

“You won’t be laughing when I become the best professional baseball player to ever walk the earth!” John yelled. I could sense the anger in his voice. John had always had a problem with his temper. He had gotten in so many fights at school, regardless of their age and size. Though he stood only five feet, six inches, he rarely backed down. He had been suspended a couple of times, but never expelled.

Jerry dug his foot into the grass. I settleded the bat above my right shoulder and nodded to Jerry.

His red hair was flourishing from the mid day sunlight. Jerry was the complete opposite of John. He was sort of shy, like me; but never got into any fights. Everyone knew he was friends with John.

I took a deep breath. Jerry’s arm cocked back and released a fast ball. I swung. I felt the vibration of the ball slamming into the bat. The ball flew high in the air. “Homerun!” I yelped.

As the ball reached its pinnacle I noticed dark figures in the sky. Not just one but hundreds. They were not birds, but parachutes. The three of us stared in awe as the parachutes came closer to the earth. Soon after, the alarm system that was installed across the city blurted out a screeching noise, similar to a tornado alarm. The alarm system was installed just in case Russia decided to attack the U.S. with air to surface missiles, but never a land invasion.

Two of the parachutes landed in the same field as us. Still the dark figures remained indefinite. The sun rested in the sky above the unknown figures blinding me. I raised my hand to block the sun. I could see that the men held something in their hands.

A second later I realized what the men had, guns. One of the men knelt down and raised his rifle. The three of us were shocked. An earsplitting explosion spoiled the tranquility of the field. I hit the ground. I glanced up to where Jerry was standing. He was still standing there clutching his stomach.

Jerry dropped down to his knees, blood trickling out of this mouth. “Jerry!” I shouted. I stared at Jerry until he face planted into the dirt. I was horror-struck. I knew if John and I stayed here any longer we would meet the same fate as Jerry. I got up and ran over to John. The two gun slinging men were focusing on getting loose from their parachutes.

MORE TO COME. PLEASE CRITICIZE.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Kobain72
Review

I really liked that as the beginning of a story. I thought there was enough there to grab a reader, and I think the lack of background makes it all the more intriguing (I also think too much character development would have been slightly pointless as one of the characters dies so early) as you want to learn more about them. Also this way we can get to the action as quickly as possible.
However, I have to agree with staplestoo that the Prologue is quite cliched.
I thought it was a good start/idea for a story. Perhaps it could be tweaked here and there but over all good start.

User avatar
staplestoo
Review

Huh. This was a little strange.

Probably the main thing I would suggest would be character stuff. If the characters aren't odd or interesting, the plot isn't going to matter. It is absolutely necessary to get the reader to be intrigued by the characters. And in this, the characters were not all that compelling.

Try to use your imagination and give the main character a unique voice. Have him describe things in a way that will make him stand out among a bazillion other main characters who are saying about the same thing. Think about weird things that he liked to say or weird things he had thought about or weird things he liked to wear or weird superstitions that he had. Anything to hook the reader and make them care about the character.

The plot was interesting. But maybe do the beginning a little differently. It seemed a little cliche.

And then try not to end arbitrarily. When you cut off in the middle of a paragraph like that, the reader can get annoyed. Find a good place to stop that will someone want to read more.

Anyway, the description wasn't bad and the writing was fine, just need to work on the characters.

May the luck of russians be with you



Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author