I sat in my room excited and speachless. Only 1 more day till me my parents and my twin brother , and younger sister leave for Vacation. The whole familys bin waiting for this vacation, cause' trust me my parents needed it. Were going to Hawii. Anyway, enough about that we got a lot of other stuff we should be thinking about.
I was looking out my window not really paying attension, Just looking around. I saw my 3 of my sisters frends , some cars go by all the normel stuff. It may be normel out side this house, but not inside. My 16 year old twin , Tucker and my 14 year old sister Kat were packing. Oh dear god what a fail that was. There were cloths everywear! On the floor on the beds even in the kitchen. This place was a mess. " frankie , have you seem my Sun glasses" asked tucker. " naw man, i havent" i said still stairing out the window with a smile." what are you looking at?" asked Kat. " nothing im just scanning the area i gess in a way" i replyed. She gave me a funny look. I stoped looking out the window and walked to my bed. I wasent in any rush cause i packed everything i needed tge day befor. My siblings didnt do so because they were to "busy" playing X-box. I never understood them that much. After a wile of watching them fail at packing i decided to help them. You know be the nice brother i am.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, looks like we're talking about a pretty big family right there...I feel like perhaps you could shorten that there list at the very beginning cause it comes off sounding a little bit too long there. Other than that little nitpick, this is honestly a pretty decent start here to a first part like this. It is a fairly neutral scene without too much excitement in terms of action but the idea of everyone getting to go on a well deserved vacation is certainly a pretty exciting thing so yeah, this is a decent start here.
OKay..this one was a tiny bit of a mess, its not quite as clear as it should be about where its trying to go and what it's trying to say here. You've got a sense of what needs to happen, and I think its mostly this big chaotic family packing situation with the POV character mysteriously staring at something out the window...but while this main idea is conveyed, there's too many things scattered around that don't seem to have a unified direction. I feel like this paragraph is in need of a bit of a rewrite. That aside, I like the premise...this story has a pretty nice feel to it and I like where it seems to be going here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey! I fully support MasterLHeart's review here. I do not like to have reviews focused only on spelling and grammar so I will only say put your story into Word first and us spell check. They fix quite a bit.
First of all, part 1. Does that mean chapter one or part one of chapter one? Because this is too short to even be a prologue. Add in the definite setting, create unique characters, step further into your plot. At this point I see a 16 year old boy with a twin and a younger sister going to Hawaii. Why? What is the reason for the trip? Why does the family need a vacation so badly? Please do not bury your readers in facts! Give them a story.
I did not step into your characters mind until the final second. I still do not know anything about him. No one in this story sticks out at all. When I finished reading I forgot everything about the story. Make the sister really lazy, give her a bag of chips in one hand and a handful of clothes in the other which she puts down every two seconds to eat more chips. Give the main character a strict regime whenever it comes to packing. He makes a checklist one week before the trip, goes to the store and gets whatever is missing six days before, packs extra things four days before and takes whatever he needs on a regular basis in a carry-on which he packs as he finishes using each thing.
Give more scenery. When Frankie is listing off where all of the clothes are strewn, make a bigger scene out of it. "Kat had a pile of shorts in the living room and more t-shirts than all of Rhode Island could wear in a week tripping people on the stairs. Tucker had a different shirt, suitcase, hygiene product or pair of shorts in every room of the house, even his underwear in the kitchen sink." Create a larger atmosphere to play with. Give room to move in. Also sink more into the games. Pick a game even a generic "some war game on the xbox" would work. Give a ton of depth. You are not writing a news story, you are writing an entertaining piece of literature.
Overall I think you could do better. Somehow, you ended up on this site, whether it be you were recommended or you wanted to become a writer and this is your step up. Good luck adding more to the end of this little section and filling in the gaps!
MJD
Hello this is the MasterLHeart here with your review and Well, I went though this in a minute flat. And for the most part I didn't like it. It was just far to short in my opinion, yea you introduce a bunch of character's, yea sure but you gave no physcial description of what any character's look like. And another draw back was you gave no emotion to said character's you never said how they were feeling or anything like that. And another thing "fail" just doesn't sit right in this at all, and another thing is that grammer was fairly poor here, like I is supposed to be capitalized and shouldn't be if paired with another letter like "is", "in", if left alone it should always be capital.
This has been your reveiwer,
-MasterLHeart