Soul Sister Blues Remix, review ASAP, (English Class!)

This is a short story i had to write for my english honors class. we were supposed to write about a special gift and the person who gave it to you when you recieved. HELP!!!! :elephant:

I had to do this in 800 word or less...my teachers friggin insane!!!!!!! :twisted:

:lol: Sorry... anyway i had to take my other essay and transform it into a narrative. please guide me you guys. i'm having a really hard time with this assignment and my grade's depening on it...and my life.

The sky was the color of Pepto-Bismol that summer evening and my friend Bailey and I sat on the curb of the street outside of her house. Our favorite song was playing on the radio, but Aerosmith’s solid guitar skills weren’t succeeding in helping us face the facts. We knew that summer was ending as the sun continued to sink behind the lakes that stretched behind the neighborhood houses, and we knew that I was going to start next year at junior high. Bailey was one year younger than me, too young to go to middle school. She was my soul sister and we couldn’t stand being split up like this. It was like our friendship was getting close to an apocalypse.

“Can you pass the grapes?” Bailey asked. I nodded, dumping a bunch into her lap and laughed at her shocked face. She frowned at me with a disapproving cross of the arms, followed by a turned up nose.

“Do you remember how we met?” I asked suddenly. Bailey’s frown turned into a slight smile.

“Yeah. Our moms made us talk to each other after we got into a fight.”

“No, what did we fight over?” Her excited expression told me she remembered.

“The grapes,” she said. Bailey was right. We had been four at the time and our parents had set out some fruit. Apparently we both loved grapes and there wasn’t enough for the both of us to share. After our parents made us solve our dilemma out we continued to eat the grapes. Bailey had even insisted that she didn’t like them since they weren’t fresh ones.

“Grapes,” Bailey repeated.

“Fresh seedless grapes,” I said. She punched me teasingly. Although I was older, she was taller than me, more intimidating, and stronger. And because she was stronger, whenever she punched me, I would hold my arm discreder4cf3swetly to my side.

“Hey Ms. Brenda’s here,” Bailey said, pointing at the little Corolla. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. This was Bailey’s last piano lesson. We both despised the teacher, Ms. Brenda, whose laughs sound much like the sound a dog makes before barfing. The dreadful thing is she laughs at everything I do.

I walked into the house, Bailey and Ms. Brenda behind me. Bailey sat at the piano with Ms. Brenda breathing down her neck. Ms. Brenda was rather fat, so her exterior fell over each side of the chair. I couldn’t stop staring at her sometimes, she was that strange.

I sat on the couch in the same living room and watched as Ms. Brenda began to instruct. I had never been to one of Bailey’s piano lessons, recitals, anything she had to do with music. My point: I had never heard Bailey play on the piano before. As pathetic a friend that might make me sound, it was true.

“B flat,” Ms. Brenda shouted. I jumped and Ms. Brenda laughed. Bailey’s dog looked up and barked. Bailey then looked back at me with a teasing gesture. Unaware that we were making fun of her, Ms. Brenda finished the lesson in twenty minutes.

I loved how the piano sounded, and Bailey was really good at playing it. Ms. Brenda exited the house and drove off in a cloud of smoke. Bailey stood up. She quickly put her long brown hair into a ponytail. She was sweating slightly.

“Livi, I was so nervous with you watching me,” she said. I gave her a hug.

“I thought it was good,” I said.

Bailey went into the kitchen to make us peanut fluff sandwiches. Marshmallows and peanut butter combined was like Alpha and Omega. They were meant to be. I was still sitting on the living room couch, staring at the piano. It looked like it was staring me down, trying to pull me into the keys. Finally, I got up and sat down at the stool.

“Hey Bailey, can I play?” I asked.

“Sure,” Bailey shouted from the kitchen. As soon as my finger hit the keys I felt as if I had been playing for years. Something inside me clicked and I continued to let my fingers fly over the keys like frantic spider legs. To Bailey, it sounded like an elephant was trying to play. To me, it sounded like music.

Bailey walked over with our dinner and slapped my hands. I pulled them in close.

“What?” I said.

“I’m going to teach you a song. This will be a gift from me to you,” she said. Bailey taught me “Mary Had A Little Lamb”. The way she taught me the song it was like I was on a roller coaster. We started slow and pretty soon we picked up speed. Sometimes I would fall fast on that roller coaster and get a wrong note. Then I would pick up speed again and I would keep on to playing. I got the song down pat and continued to play it every day.

Soon after I started middle school I got piano lessons which were taught none other than Ms. Brenda. Now instead of playing by ear, I’m playing by reading the notes on the page. I played in recitals in churches and at my middle school performances. Four years have passed and I still haven’t forgotten Bailey’s gift. Now, after every single performance, I play “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. This is my way of saying, “I dedicate this performance to Bailey, my soul sister.”

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Points: 269
Reviews: 31

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Thu Oct 29, 2009 9:00 pm

Skittles says...

HEY GUYS OMG!!!'
I got an A+ on the paper. thankyou soooo much for helping me!!

Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176

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Tue Oct 06, 2009 9:08 am

Twit says...

The sky was the color of Pepto-Bismol that summer evening. My friend Bailey and I sat on the curb of her street outside of her house. Our favorite song was playing on the radio, but it wasn’t succeeding helping us face the facts. We knew that summer was ending as the sun continued to sink behind the lakes that stretched behind the neighborhood houses. And we knew that I was going to start next year at Junior high. Bailey was one year younger than me, too young to go to junior high. She was my soul sister and we couldn’t stand being split up like this.

Your sentences are all pretty much the same length. Make it more interesting by having a mixture of long and short; you could combine the first two into one for starters and split the fourth one up so it’s shorter. I’m still confused about what a soul sister is, and while I could Google, if I’m reading it for the first time and without internet access, I’d like to know what it means. ^^

“Can you pass the grapes?” Bailey asked. I nodded, dumping a bunch into her lap. I laughed at her shocked face.

Again with the sentences. Combine the last two so it runs more smoothly: “Can you pass the grapes?” Bailey asked. I nodded, dumping a bunch into her lap and laughed at her shocked face.

“Do you remember how we met?” I asked suddenly.

This does seem sudden, but it’s too sudden. She’s been talking, laughing and then talking again in a completely new paragraph. I’d add in something about Bailey – how does she react to being laughed at? Just a pout or a frown or something, then have Livi’s dialogue.

“No, what did we fight over?” Her excited expression told me she remembered.
“The grapes,” she said.

Keep people to themselves. You have Livi’s dialogue on the same paragraph as Bailey’s excited expression, instead of Bailey’s excited expression with Bailey’s dialogue.

Apparently we both loved grape and there wasn’t enough for the both of us to share.

Typo.

After our parents made us talk the problem out we continued to eat the grapes.

Awkwardly worded sentence. Take it out or change.

Although I was older she was taller than me, more intimidating, and stronger.

Do you really need this? I don’t think it adds that much. The story’s more about personality and stuff, rather than the physical, and this feels like a tiny info-dump. However, if you do keep it, then you need a comma after “older”.

“Hey Ms. Brenda’s here,” bailey said, pointing at the little Corolla.

Capitalise “Bailey”.

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. This was Bailey last piano lesson.

Add an s.

We both despised the teacher, Ms. Brenda, whose laughs sound much like the sound a dog makes before barfing.

According to my History teacher, you don’t need a dot after “Ms”. It’s a dot for abbreviations, like “Rev.” for “Reverend”, but no dot for contractions, like “Dr” for “Doctor”. Or “Ms” for “miss” or “Mrs”. Word disagrees with me, other people have disagreed with me, but Word often doesn’t know what it’s talking about, and I think those people were Americans, so it might be a Brit/Yank thing. Until I consult Eats, Shoots and Leaves, I’m not sure on that point, so ask someone else.

Ms. Brenda was rather rotund, so her exterior fell over each side of the chair.

“Rotund” is a weird word to use. Just say “fat”.

“B flat,” Ms. Brenda shouted. I jumped and Ms. Brenda laughed. Bailey’s dog looked up and barked. Bailey then looked back at me with a jesting gesture.

Sentences again. Also, “jesting gesture”? Try saying that out loud.

Unaware that we were making fun of her, Ms. Brenda finished the lesson in twenty minutes.

This honestly doesn’t make me warm to the characters that much. The teacher’s a new character, just introduced, and already she’s being made fun of. There’s been nothing to suggest that she deserves this and I actually feel more sympathy for her than I do for Livi and Bailey.

Honestly I loved how the piano sounded, and Bailey was really good at playing it.

Take out “honestly”, it doesn’t sound right.

Bailey stood up; her long brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

A semi colon is used to join connecting parts of a sentence together, but these two parts aren’t connected. She stands up – her hair style. No connection. Take out the hair blurb.

“Livi, I was so nervous with you watching me,” she said. I gave her a hug.

“I thought it was good,” I said.

This would work better if you had it like: “Livi, I was so nervous with you watching me,” she said.

I gave her a hug. “I thought it was good.”

That way your people are together, see?

Bailey went into the kitchen to make us peanut fluff sandwiches. Marshmallows and peanut butter, what a genius, I thought silently to myself.

This sounds like Livi’s being sarcastic, and I don’t think she’s meant to be, as it really jars with the rest of the tone.

As soon as my finger hit the keys I felt as if I had been playing for years.

She’s never played, but as soon as she touches a piano, she feels like Mozart? I’m… cynical, to say the least. She makes it sound as though this is the very first time that she’s ever touched a piano.

Something inside me clicked and I continued to let my fingers fly over the keys like frantic spider legs. To Bailey, it sounded like an elephant was trying to play. To me, it sounded like music.

Good simile, and great structuring of the last two sentences. ^_^

“I’m going to teach you a song. This will be a gift from me to you,” she said. Bailey taught me “Mary Had A Little Lamb”. I got the song down pat and continued to play it. Soon after I started middle school…

O_O Woah, slow down. You’ve spent loads of time and detail on everything that’s gone on before this, and now, the most important part, you give it only three sentences? God is in the details. Expand. Give it life, love, freedom to breeeeeathe… and stuff. Describe how Bailey taught her the song, describe how she practiced and practiced until she got it down pat, describe how she would play it every day because it reminded her of her friend. Or whatevers. You know. Put detail in.

Now instead of playing by ear, I’m playing by reading the notes on the page. I played in recitals in churches and at my middle school performances.

The tense switch is too short. You go into present for one sentence and then straight back into past. It’s too abrupt; put it all into present.

This is my way of saying I dedicate this performance to Bailey, my soul sister.

You should either change the wording or put it in quotes. So, This is my way of saying that I dedicate this performance to Bailey, my soul sister or This is my way of saying, “I dedicate this performance to Bailey, my soul sister.” I think the last one is best. Also, this makes it sound like Bailey is dead, so perhaps tone down the finality?

~

Hai! Congrats on your last grade! You didn't say when this was due in, so I'm sorry if I'm late, but I'm really not the best person to ask for urgent crits, as I haven't been on that much lately. Still, I hope I helped and wasn't too harsh. PM me if you have any questions. ^_^

Points: 6919
Reviews: 108

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Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:12 am

Hawkie says...

Congratulations on your score, Skittles. Now, for the next review. Any edits that I make will be in bold.

The sky was the color of Pepto-Bismol that summer evening.

I have mixed feelings about this sentence. I mean, it's a strong image, but Pepto-Bismol is generally a really hot, vivid pink color, and I can't imagine the sky being that color, not even at sunset. (Oh! Have I mentioned I like the taste of Pepto? Yeah, I'm weird that way).

Our favorite song was playing on the radio? CD player? iPod?, but it was succeeding in helping us face the facts.

I don't think the "but" is needed, seeing as the second part of the sentence doesn't contrast the first part any way. Also, what is their favorite song like? My curiosity wants to know more about it. ^^

She was one year younger than me.

It's odd how you sort of tack this on, like an afterthought. I'd rephrase the whole idea as "Bailey was one year younger than me, too young to go to Junior High, and it was hard to grasp the fact that we would soon be splitting up."

“Yeah. Our moms made us talk to each other after we got into a fight,”

You need a period at the end of this, not a comma.

her expression of excitement told me she remembered.

Capitalize this and put it on a new line.

"Expression of excitement" goes on too long. Change it to "excited expression." Much brisker and easier to read.

"Grapes." Bailey repeated.
“Fresh seedless grapes,” I corrected.

You need a comma after "grapes."

Also . . . well, I have kind of a thing for dialogue tags, and using words instead of "said" to sound more colorful. "Repeated," "corrected," what's wrong with "said" anyway? It gets tiring, having to read a new verb for each sentence somebody says. =.=

She punched me teasingly.

You wrote "my teasingly."

(What's a teasingly?)

The dreadful thing is she laughs at everything I do.

Your whole story is in past tense - but this is in present. Don't change tenses; it's very jarring to the reader. Pick a tense and stick with it. ^^

what a genius

Italicize thoughts.

Overall - much, much better than the first draft. Some very nice improvements. I like how you narrate and show more here, instead of just saying "She did this, I did that, we were like this," etc. Good job.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Points: 269
Reviews: 31

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Wed Sep 30, 2009 12:47 am

Skittles says...

HEY GUYS OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! :thud: i got a 26 out of 30 on this!!!! :elephant: thankyou so much! ..........
...now you can help me with the final draft! :mrgreen:

:lol:

Skittles~

Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176

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Mon Sep 21, 2009 12:16 pm

Twit says...

question # 1: Does this paragraph make any since?

I guess you could say we were two shirts tossed into a cat filled room. Each individual cat hair was like a different trait that was stuck into our cloth skin. Since we spent so much time together in that big hamper called Summerfield Glades, our special talents got mixed into each other.

It makes sense, but it’s not a desperately good analogy. It’s worded rather awkwardly, and “two shirts” just seems weird. I wouldn’t use it, personally.

question # 2: do you have to double space after every period, exclimation point, and question mark, ect. ? or is it just one space?

Just one space.

question # 3: are my sentences bad? do they make since?

They make sense, but they could be worded better and your punctuation needs work. If you get into the habit of punctuating all the time, it becomes easier when it really matters. I don’t really think there are “bad” sentences; it’s just that some need more work than others.

question # 4: am i a bad writer. my mom says that i could be a golden writter if i just listened to her. she says she would have majored in english

You need work. Everyone needs work. You need to practice and practice and read and read and read and practice some more, and you’ll get better. If you don’t put in the time and the effort, then you won’t be as good as you could be. About your mum – majoring in English doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s amazing at creative writing. If someone writes and reads and produces work that you think is good and they give you advice, then I think you should listen to them. I don’t know whether you think your mum is a good writer or not, but if you think she is, then don’t ignore her. However, just taking a degree in English doesn’t mean everything. Last time I looked, one of my favourite authors (Catherine Webb) was studying History.

Anyway, asking people whether you’re a good writer or a bad one isn’t always a good idea. Many people say that Christopher Paolini is a good writer. I think he sucks, and I didn’t enjoy his books at all. I recently read Michael J. Fox’s autobiography, Lucky Man. On reading the reviews, I saw that some people said that everything about it was just great, while others said that his writing style was awful, the humour was off and he seemed to hate his wife. Overall, I really enjoyed his book – I thought it was funny and interesting and it wasn’t a “look-at-me-I’m-a-celebrity-writing-about-how-great-I-am” type of book. In spite of that, if I’d been his editor, there were sentences that I would rewritten and parts I’d have restructured and bits I’d have suggested putting in.

I hope this made sense. What I mean is that “good” and “bad” are absolute ideas, and you can’t always get absolute.

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Sun Sep 20, 2009 11:04 pm

Rosendorn wrote a review...

Hiya! Here as requested!

“Can I have a grape?” Bailey asked. I looked at her for a moment and passed the bowl purple seedless grapes.

~ By putting your friend's name here, you make the line "My soul sister has a name, Bailey" redundant.

~ As an opening, this is rather ineffective. We're just thrown into the situation, which is alright when it's an unusual or heart-pumping situation, but this is a normal question which really shouldn't mean anything. Because of that, you need to explain your hook a bit more. Why did you hesitate? Why mention the colour and that they were seedless? Right now, those little details (colour, that they are seedless grapes) look like junk description in your opening. And since you say the same information later on, this comes off as unneeded and redundant.

Since an opening line's job is to pull us into the story, there should be no extra information. It should be a line that sparks a question, such as "why is this girl asking for grapes?" or "where are they for the girl to be asking for grapes?" The first line does make me ask these questions, but you never answer them. Answering them is important, since the reader begins to wonder what in the world is going on when you don't answer questions.

I obviously didn’t care about the temperature of the grape.

The word "so" implies this. You really don't need to tell us you didn't care. Not only does it stick in the word "obviously" (which is a really bad word to use in fiction. The point it's emphasizing is either already obvious, which makes the word redundant, or it's not obvious so readers feel they should be getting something their not. Both reactions are bad.)

She may not have known this, but she taught me something that day.

What did she teach you? This line is rather pointless unless you say that.

You’re probably wondering why I bring up this age of my life. It’s simply this: I met my soul sister.

This line is rather tell-y and flat at the moment. No, we weren't wondering. You've just chosen to start your story when you were four. The line also implies the dialogue above was something important, when we got no true "why" to the importance of the scene. Yes, you say that you met your soul sister. This is important. But we're not given a reason why this event was such a bonding expirence. Did you know each other before? The above really looks like a normal, every day, interaction. I thought you'd already known each other before really.

Let’s go back to the word crazy. It means mentally deranged; demented; insane.

You don't really need to define the word "crazy" for us. It's used enough so we know what it means, and saying something rather obvious turns readers off.

And here’s the crazy thing, she’s one year younger than me.

I have a friend who's three years younger than me. I don't really consider this statement "crazy" without more explanation.

our mother’s had arranged.

"Mothers"

Pretty soon I was old enough to think on my own and decide things by myself. I quit swimming. And then I picked it up again. And then I quit again. And then I took up dancing. And then I quit that too. I was very active until I got into middle school.

This information really isn't all that relevant. Maybe in the times you quit activities you saw Bailey more, but you missed the activity so playing with her took a back seat. But that doesn't show at the moment. You can probably just say that you were in and out of activities all through elementary school instead of listing the activities one by one.

Even though we were best friends we never saw eye to eye. We never understood each other completely.

This is actually pretty common, even for best friends. Unless you give an example here to really make us care, there isn't any value in this line. And all lines should have value.

That is until we merged our special talents. I went on to middle school and she stayed behind in elementary.

These two lines are detached. I expected the first sentence to be explained by the second sentence, but that didn't happen. It really threw me.

I guess you could say we were two shirts tossed into a cat filled room. Each individual cat hair was like a different trait that was stuck into our cloth skin.Since we spent so much time together in that big hamper called Summerfield Glades of Lakewood Ranch, our special talents got mixed into each other.

I'm going to answer your first question now. What really confuses me here is the "I guess you could say." It feels like a very clunky way to introduce a metaphor like this, especially one so unique.

The wording is also slightly odd, I find. You're mixing two types of figurative language (metaphor and simile) by putting "absolute" verbs (this is/was that) with comparative verbs/terms (this was like that). You make this look like it's a metaphor at first, but as we read we discover that this is a simile.

I believe I'll stop here and just give you overall advice for everything:

~ Just give important information. We don't need to hear everything and anything about what happened in dead times. Just tell us what shaped the friendship.

~ Grammar! Check your grammar and spelling over carefully, or better yet have somebody you know won't give "extra" comments as they read (as in, they will just check over spelling and grammar and won't tell you to do major overhauls with no time to do it in) to catch them all.

~ A story. I know you aren't really able to do this on such a tight time-line, but I'd suggest really focusing on the kindergarten dialogue and the piano scene, expanding them a bit, and turning them more into a story.

Question 2- No. It's just one space. And that's strait from somebody in the advertising field.

Question 3- They mostly make sense. Just watch for your grammar, which just about everybody needs help on at one level or another, and you're good.

Question 4- You're mom's not exactly right for saying that you'll be golden if you listen to her. Yes, parents can have wonderful advice, but you're the writer. You're the one with the idea and the one pounding it out.

As for if you're a bad writer, you're not. We all need improvement here, and the fact that you're posting means you want to improve.

PM me with questions, and good luck!

~Rosey

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Reviews: 537

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Sun Sep 20, 2009 10:03 pm

Evi wrote a review...

Hey Skittles, here as requested. ^^ The other reviewers' points are valid, so fix those grammar issues and such. I may repeat something, because I didn't read all of them.

“Well [comma here] fresh ones are better,” she said, sticking her nose in the air. I stuck mine up too.

Yes [comma here] I invite myself in. I just open the door, say hello to their dog and walk into Bailey’s room. We give each other a sisterly hug and go get some lunch.

Here, you've transitioned into present tense. Stick with one tense throughout the story.

I nodded my mouth full.

Add a comma after 'nodded'.

:arrow:

Questions

1.) I like the metaphor of that paragraph, but I really don't think it makes much sense as a whole. It's a bit muddled, and requires too much unraveling. Keep on that track though; analogies are great, and it's hard to find ones that fit.

2.) I always double space. I think it makes everything look neater, cleaner, and just better as a whole, but that's just a preference thing. ^^

3.)

question # 3: are my sentences bad? do they make since?

Since = She hadn't seen him since last year.

Sense = Do they make sense?

Actually, no, your sentences make perfect sense to me. It's just a matter of which sensible sentences to use, and which to leave out. Work on your spelling and grammar, though-- add commas wherever there's a pause in the sentence. It helps to read your work aloud and see where you take a breath. Also, the only place to use ellipses (...) is generally when a character trails off while they're talking, not in the actual narrative itself. So, basically, dialogue only. That's my opinion, at least.

4.) You are not a bad writer. You're not a golden writer, either, but it takes a heck of a lot of time, work, and dedication to get to that point, and almost everyone on this site still has a ways to go, including me. ^_~ Just keep working at it. I suggest you read a lot, and see how to create successful characters and storylines and such. It helps a ton, let me tell you.

:arrow:

Suggestions

Since this is for an English assignment due tomorrow, I'm not going to suggest any major revamping of the storyline or structures. But Wooster is right, in two ways-- a lot of the middle section turns into "And she was this, and I was that, and we were this, and we did that..." and then, also, you're not quite specific enough. I like the idea of this gift Bailey gave you, but you only bring it up once, in the end, and I don't think the gift she really gave you is the one you mentioned:

This is why I think I caught my musical spark in the middle of middle school. My soul sister has given me the gift of just accepting things in life, even if it hurts. She has also taught me to accept change into my life.

Did she really give you the gift of accepting things in life? You never mention anything to accept, really, or any major change that Bailey prompted. Sure, your musical interests were sparked at her house, and she taught you a song-- but I think that was more you becoming the person you are, not Bailey's influence. I think her real gift to you is her friendship, plain and simple. ^^

In the future, when writing for enjoyment and not for an assignment, try to avoid those long paragraphs about what happened as your friendship grew. That's great, but it's a lot of telling, without us really getting to see their friendship growing. You tell us what Bailey was like, and what she became, but nothing in her dialogue or actions hinted to that. Just develop scenes some more, instead of cramming years into a paragraph of, "and this is how we turned out".

Overall, no, you're not a bad writer at all! ^^ PM me if you need anything.

~Evi

(Also, you used much better grammar and capitalization and spelling in your story itself-- make sure to use all that proper writing in your little messages and PM's, too. All posts on YWS should be literate! ^_^)

Points: 269
Reviews: 31

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Sun Sep 20, 2009 6:13 pm

Skittles says...

Thank you guys for all your help and reviews. i'll post my grade after i turn it in!
Love,
Skittles

Points: 1203
Reviews: 228

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Sun Sep 20, 2009 2:43 am

Linx wrote a review...

Hiya Skittles! ^_^ I'll answer your questions at the very end, because that's just the way I like to format my reviews. I'll go over some things first though.

“Can I have a grape?” Bailey asked. I looked at her for a moment and passed the bowl purple seedless grapes.

Forgot a word, darling. That whole sentence would sound better if you put the word of between bowl and purple.

She took a bite and spit it out again, making a contorted face of disgust.

...but, but that was only her first time eating the grape! She couldn't have done it again if it was only the first time!

Also, whenever you say contorted, we understand what type of face expression she has, so you can go ahead and take out the of disgust in that sentence, because it's not needed.

She may not have known this, but she taught me something that day. I was four years old at the time. You’re probably wondering why I bring up this age of my life. It’s simply this: I met my soul sister. My soul sister was something else, I’ll tell you that. As we got older and matured we learned that people’s thoughts matured as well. More sophisticated…theories. For instance you might call my soul sister weird, strange, intimidating, and in some cases a “nobody”. My soul sister has a name, Bailey. She detests the name, but I refuse to call her anything but. Bailey taught me to not listen to people with their rude remarks about the way we looked followed by our personalities. She taught me that best friends listen to each other. That they laugh as one, in unison, all the time. And that they have crazy ideas and weird habits that they share, like kindergarteners at lunchtime. Let’s go back to the word crazy. It means mentally deranged; demented; insane. And here’s the crazy thing, she’s one year younger than me.

Okay, okay, you have a lot of potential here, especially in this paragraph. But it's hard to read. It's all crammed up together and switching topics really fast, all in the same paragraph! What I would suggest is to seperate this paragraph into smaller paragraphs, with each paragraph focusing on one idea. Like, the first paragraph be about that Bailey taught you something that day, and then you could add even more description and help back it up more! Then the next paragraph could be what a soul-sister is and on and on.

And also, you never said what you acutally learned that day

Now, I'm going to be a lazy buttface and make Rosey do the rest of this "review," so let me go ahead and answer your three questions.

Question number one: Eh, it kind of makes sense, but I would change it. It just doesn't really fit in very wel.

Question two: You don't have to double space. I, personally, hate double spacing. It's...aldjlaksjdfa hate it.

Question three: Your questions make sense to me, it's your paragraphs that can be confusing sometimes. ^_^

Question four: It just takes time and practice to become a good writer. You have to make mistakes to learn from them. No one is born an awesome writer. Except Kylan. XD

I hope to see you around more. ^_^

~Linx

Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176

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Sat Sep 19, 2009 5:11 pm

Twit wrote a review...

The dialogue part doesn’t really go anywhere. It could tell us about the two characters, but it doesn’t. Try and put more personality into their speech – different speech patters, turns of phrase, things like that. Show your readers the people you’re dealing with.

The next few paragraphs tell us about the characters, but it manages not to be too tell-y, so good work on that. ^_^ However, at times it does feel like too much of a list: “she was like this and I was like this and she was like this and I was like this and we were both like this…” Also, what is a soul sister? At first it sounded like a kind of Third Age imaginary friend but then you talked about the arranged play dates, so now I’m assuming Bailey is a real person?

Your punctuation is off in some places, like here:

“My ears are bleeding,” she mused. We laughed even harder…If she had said that same sentence to me today; I would have punched her face in.

You don’t need that ellipsis and the semi colon should be a comma.

Overall, I think this needs to be more specific. You say you were supposed to write about a specific time, but you jump from when you were four to ninth grade to later on to seventh grade and all over the place. Where is the attention supposed to be focused? When you were four and eating grapes? When you were eating sandwiches and playing Mary Had A Little Lamb? When you were learning Coldplay?

This feels more like a rough, first draft sketch from an autobiography – you’re thinking about one idea, but writing about several events and time periods connected to it.

I’m not sure if that makes sense, but PM me if you have any questions!

Points: 6919
Reviews: 108

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Fri Sep 18, 2009 10:31 pm

Hawkie wrote a review...

Hi Skittles, welcome to YWS! :mrgreen: I'm Hawkie, and I'm glad to be your reviewer today. If I'm harsh, don't take it personally.

i. Nit-picks

purpled seedless grapes.

Purpled? Purple will do. ^^

“Yes,”

Should have a period, not a comma.

I became less Logical and more optimistic.

Why is "logical" capitalized? It shouldn't be.

We both became Artists and writers.

Again. Un-capitalize "artists."

Now here’s the cool part where the little dreamy jingle comes as you go back into my memory when I start with the sentence, “I remember as if it were yesterday.”Although it wasn’t yesterday and was actually three years ago my memory is very good (in most cases).

Cut this part out. It's rambling and doesn't add anything to the story.

“What are you doing Livi?”

Should have a comma: "What are you doing, Livi?"

My fingers flew over the keys like little frantic spider legs.

_Adorable_ metaphor. Love it.

We laughed even harder…if she had said that to me today, I would have punched her face in.

This doesn't make sense. If she would've punched her face in, why didn't she? I know the stoy is written in past tense, but "today" still implies that particular time in the story. I know that's confusing. =.=

It’s Mary had a little lamb,”

This is a song title, so all the words should be capitalized.

So after Bailey taught me “Mary had a little Lamb”, I became determined.

The comma should be before the quotation, not after.

I took up band and orchestra and learned two instruments. The clarinet and the violin.

Use a colon. "I took up band and orchestra and learned two instruments: the clarinet and the violin."

That change is good-keeps you fresh.

Put spaces before and after the dash: "That change is good - keeps you fresh."

Fresh like a purple seedless grape.

Love your ending! ^^

ii. Overall

You have a good idea here: a sweet story about two friends. But there's one problem! Your story has no conflict. Without conflict, there's no story. Was there a time when you went through some sort of trial or rough spot together? Write about it.

Also, you use very little showing in this story as opposed to telling. If you don't know the difference between showing and telling, here it is:

Telling:I was very sad.

Showing:I buried my face in my hands, shaking and trying to hold back my sobs.

The second one is much more vivid and real. Don't just tell me that you and your soul sister were close. Show me how and why. Show your experiences together. Show your trials, your emotions. This is obviously a very tight friendship, and I want to feel it, see more of it. Just telling me "we were good friends" doesn't do that.

One thing I liked a lot was the conversation at the beginning about the grapes. You captured the way a four-year-old thinks; living in the same house with a five-year-old myself, I think you have it spot on.

Nice work, and keep writing! ^^

-Hawks-

Young Writers Society

Soul Sister Blues Remix, review ASAP, (English Class!)

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