Bladedancer- Prologue

Please feel free to review! I've been trying to work on the beginning of this book, I think I found the best I could think of, since all other options really didn't lead anywhere....well maybe they did...but I just didn't like them, so here we are! Enjoy...hopefully ;)

Prologue

The Oak Tree

Rose Tarastelli watched from the window of her home, looking past the lake, past the dragon’s keep, past the soggy moorland. Her gaze was fixed on the oak tree with the swing swaying lazily in the wind. She frowned in discontent at the thought of leaving the swing forever, never to feel the rush of adrenaline when swinging upside down, or climbing the tree’s tallest branches.

Wiping a stray tear from her cheek, Rose slid from the window seat. Ambling over to her bed she crouched down to her knees and, slowly, at an elder’s pace, crawled under her bed. She lay on her stomach looking at all her collectables she had to leave behind. Her favorite doll, Sera, lay slumped against a pile of shells from the lake.

“Father shouldn’t have said those things about the King,” Rose told Sera.

Sera stared back, smiling her cross-stitched smile. Rose placed a small hand on Sera’s head, making it nod in agreement.

“Mama and I are running away tonight,” Rose whispered to Sera. “I hope Da doesn’t get us though.”

Again, Rose reached over and made Sera nod her head in agreement.

“Sera, why are you so quiet,” Rose asked. “Fine don’t answer…I was going to take you to the swing, but since you’re not talking I don’t think it will be very fun.”

Taking Sera anyway, Rose began to crawl out from underneath her bed. Walking down the dank hallways of her home, Rose looked at all the paintings, taking in everything. Some things she never took notice to before. With her favorite painting of Time Keeper pausing time to help Orchatus save the land of Daeladia, she noticed that Time Keeper had torn socks with holes in them. The details she had looked over amazed Rose.

“Rosie,” Rose looked over her shoulder to see her mother standing behind her.

“Yes Mama,” Rose said, waddling over to her mother.

“Where are you going?”

Rose smiled and pointed to the front door. “The oak tree. Me and Sera are going to go swing.”

Rose’s mother smiled and hugged her close. She smelled of honey and wheat. She had been baking again. Rose squirmed from the strong embrace until her mother finally let go.

“Just make sure you’re back with Elfedoran ready… before the sun touches the forest, Rosie,” her mother said softly. Rose nodded and skipped off down the hallway to the kitchen.

Closing the back door behind her, Rose chased after the chickens while Sera flailed madly in the air a clenched hand. Down the overgrown pathway of broken stone, past the small stream that connected Prosper Lake with Lake of Everain, around the dragon’s keep, over the small moss-covered bridge that overlooked the Crooked Creek, to the old oak in the shape of a weeping man.

Rose set Sera down on a lower branch of the oak tree, folding her little stub arms in the lap of her purple dress. Taking a step back to admire her doll, Rose smiled. Twirling on one bare foot, she skipped over the swing and pushed it all the way back. Quickly standing up on it, she let her feet step away from the ground and the swing went hurtling forward. Squealing with delight, the wind combing through her long brown hair, Rose leaned backward. She marveled at the cloudless sky, at the shinning sun, the subtle appearance of the two great moons. Everything seemed so much more interesting when she knew she was leaving for good.

The feeling she had, like she was flying always soothed Rose, sending her to another world, nothing like Daeladia. Somewhere else it seemed, a distant land. Closing her eyes, Rose imagined herself flying over all of Daeladia. In one fell swoop she skimmed across the Omarian Sea, tracing the dark spots of unfathomable deep where the foulest of creatures have their keep.

Daylar malti sei Lady Rose,” a deep grandfatherly voice echoed across the vast moorland, making Rose turn her head. She was smiling however, pleased to hear the voice of her friend.

The dragon pulled himself over the hill, a continuous line as long as the height of the oak, two sets of stubby legs every meter. His black scales shinned vibrantly in the sun, making him look like one of the sand serpents from the Nayrunin Deserts. He smiled, managing to look malevolent but heartwarmingly friendly at the same time.

“Elfedoran,” Rose squealed, tumbling from her swing into the dragon’s chest. He curled loosely around her so that she could take her seat on his coiled tail. He looked down at her, his head narrow and full of wisdom in his centuries old eyes. “Elfedoran,” Rose said again, her once thrilled child voice had vanished, replaced with a sad and serious one. “We are leaving tonight. Are you ready?” The slender dragon nodded.

“I will be ready for flight soon,” Elfedoran said. “Remember Lady Rose, I am a very old dragon, Lots of practice under my wings.”

“Mama says Da isn’t coming,” Rose said quietly. “Am I ever going to see Da again?”

“In time Lady Rose, in time,” Elfedoran looked over his shoulder back at the Tarastelli manor.

There was a sudden, loud bang, sending a flurry of birds off the top of the manor. Rose stumbled over Elfedoran’s tail to look where the noise had come from, and although she didn’t want to admit it to herself, she knew where it had come from. In a mad rush, Rose broke from Elfedoran’s coils and ran back to the manor.

“Lady Rose,” Elfedoran shouted after her. “Come back, it is not safe.”

All she could think of was her mother. Rose’s stomach began flipping inside her abdomen, making her cheeks flush and her eyes begin to see black blotches. She flew over the bridge, barely touching the rotting wood. Landing back on the broken pathway of stone, Rose scaled four at a time, tripping in the middle. But quickly, she got back up, not even brushing the blood from her hands and knees. At the back door to the kitchen, she flung it open to find her father across the room. He held his prized shotgun in his hand. There was no sign of her mother.

“Don’t you dare run Rose,” her father growled through his yellow teeth. He looked mad, wild even, sending chills down Rose’s back.

Rose stood there petrified, not knowing what to do. Her mind had been erased it seemed, nothing was functioning. Then her father shot the ground awakening her from the paralysis.

“Don’t run,” Her father reminded her. “I will catch you like I did your mother.”

In one fluid motion, Rose turned around and began running. She didn’t care to look back so see if he was following her. She didn’t look anywhere but straight in front of her. Her heart pounded like a loud cadence of drums. Her feet skimmed across the cobblestone, her long hair wrapping around her face, confining her,

The oak tree was only a few yards away when her father began graining ground on her. She was only seven, and although fast with feet and spirit, her father was a half elven, swift as his bullets and bow and arrows. To Rose’s luck Elfedoran was waiting for her, saddle strapped and everything ready. She knew her father was close when Elfedoran began to bar his three rows of needle sharp teeth. His fangs shot out like daggers, dripping with its smoky venom.

“Elfedoran,” Rose shrieked, rushing up to him.

As Rose reach out her arms to him, Elfedoran suddenly pawed her to the ground. The hair on the back of her neck raised as the bullet streamlined above her, straight into Elfedoran’s underbelly. The blood flowed in cascades of maroon down the old dragon’s chest. . Rose let out a strangled huff as the weight of Elfedoran’s hand suppressed her to the ground, trapping her, enabling her to run away.

Rose felt the tugging on her legs as her father tried to pull her out of the dragon’s grasp his thick callused hands wrapped tight around her ankles. She kicked at him, trying make him stop, but he to the butt of his shotgun and slammed it hard on the back of her knees. The pain shot through her legs like millions of needles being jarred into one’s foot. Letting out an inhuman scream, Rose began to cry as she was finally tugged free from underneath Elfedoran’s lifeless body. Her father was brutal as he yanked her by her right arm, making the blood rush away as if it was scared to be near such an evil man.

“I will not put up with this behavior,” her father growled, shoving her forward. He was forcing her back to the manor. Rose let out shaking sobs, her body trembling with fear. As of now, she felt this man was no longer her father but a stranger, once hidden behind kind eyes and loving gestures, released from that false skin into its true nature. “You will be punished,” he said, lifting her over a broken stone. “You are to work like a slave since your mother is gone. Don’t cry either, child, for you are lucky I am not selling you into the life of a servant.”

Rose’s legs felt like sand being twirled around in a strong wind. Her heart felt torn, misshapen with grief for the sudden loss. Her head was spinning, her vision blocked with black splotches. She couldn’t think straight. It was a bad dream. That’s what she told herself at least. But she had the hardest time believing it.

“Get down there,” her father said forcefully. When Rose didn’t budge from her spot on the top of the stairs, her father kicked her, sending her down on her side a few steps. “Get up.” Rose slowly stood on unsteady legs and made her way down the cellar stairs into its dark, dank corridors. Her father, close behind, his breath coming short and angry pants, shoved her down the first hallway.

The walk to the end of the hallway seemed like an eternity but as her father locked her in the chains engrained into the walls, it wasn’t long enough. Rose watched warily as her father stood watching her. Her good afternoon dress was soiled and her hair was disheveled, something she wasn’t used to. Her father suddenly dropped to one knee and peered into her face.

“I will leave you down here for the rest of the night,” he said. “I will get you in the morning and you’ll start your-”

“Where’s Mama,” Rose said suddenly. “What did you to Mama?”

Her father looked angrily at her for interrupting him, but then he softened into a weary smile.

“She has died,” he left it at that and stood up. He turned around then, leaving Rose to the dark by herself.

“Da,” she called out to him. “Da, don’t leave me please! I don’t like the dark...DA!”

The cellar door slammed leaving Rose to her overly imaginative mind, resurrecting childhood monsters from her past at each shadow that moved. Every drop of water made her tense, every scurrying patter of a rat made her squirm in fear. She felt like everything was suffocating her, killing her slowly. Everything was happening to fast and taking it all in seemed impossible at the moment. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into her mother’s lap and tell her everything that happened. Her stomach growled. She didn’t realize how hungry she had been, skipping lunch, and now not allowed to dinner. Taking one last look at the light from behind the cellar door, Rose closed her eyes, preparing herself for what was going to be a long night.

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Evi
Review
Evi wrote a review · Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:22 am

Hey Skittles! I feel like I've reviewed your work before, yes?

She frowned in discontent


Frowning people are generally discontent, so I think it's safe to say this is redundant.

Taking a step back to admire her doll, Rose smiled. Twirling on one bare foot, she skipped over the swing and pushed it all the way back. Quickly standing up on it, she let her feet step away from the ground and the swing went hurtling forward. Squealing with delight, the wind combing through her long brown hair, Rose leaned backward.


Your writerly-bad-habit is to not use enough sentence structure. Take these sentences for example-- they all start with "__ing" participles. Their structure is all "___ing this, she did this." And reading over something unvaried and repetitive like that becomes boring for the readers. Make sure your sentences start and end differently. Make sure they are short, medium, and long. One of the best ways to make writing feel stilted and forced is to not use enough sentence and wording variation, so avoid monotony like the plague!

His black scales shinned vibrantly in the sun


Shone, you mean! ;)

The oak tree was only a few yards away when her father began graining ground on her.


This is where I'm confused. Why didn't he just fire at her, if he had a gun? He wouldn't have had to have been close. Surely she's wondering that too-- why let her live only to lock her up? He certainly seems cruel enough to end her disobedience with a bullet.

I can't be sure where this is going, but as you write, keep the father from becoming unrealistically evil. For villains to be well-developed and fun to read about they need motives-- reasons for their actions --as well as justifications for them. Every bad guy thinks he was justified in doing what he did. Make sure father here has good reasons and isn't just evil for the sake of you needing an antagonist. Check out Elinor Brynn's article on Villain Cliches to get a taste for what I mean. Don't let him forget that this is his daughter, and vice versa.

Anyway, make sure to proofread-- you've got some missing commas and run-on sentences. In dialogue, if you're not going to use a tag, just end the quote with a period. For example:

“Rosie,” Rose looked over her shoulder to see her mother standing behind her.
should be
"Rosie." Rose looked over... or "Rosie!" Rose looked over...
since there's no "said her mother" or "her mom shouted". Don't forget the little things like that!

Anyway, happy writing! Sounds cool and definitely has potential. PM me for anything.

~Evi



My life's goal is to end up between YWS quotes on bottom of the page, so some part of me will be able to live forever here.
— AnotherCrowInRow