Published October 1, 2012
I can see
And I can dream
And I can breathe
I am… free
What does a man dream of?
She who is dead
They who are gone
What do I breathe?
The putrid air of Outside
So many stenches I have never known
What can I see?
The world decay as the parasites gouge out their minds
While they stuff their mouths
And what is my freedom?
To roam this Afterworld
A better freedom is Inside.
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141,290 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
that is fucking retarded
I have to agree with StoryWeaver13. It does need more emotion in it but I think this could be a good outline or beginning of a very good poem. For example ether cover more detail in each block (or paragraph) or use more vivid words that bring your points home to the reader. But that is just my opinion. Keep writing! Doing good!
This is....vague. I feel like I can't have any emotional pull from it because it doesn't have flesh to cover the story's skeleton. It's written fine, but I would advise giving more insight and detail; short poems can work, but only if you use your words wisely. For a poem as short as this, nearly every word must have an important emotional connotation. Add more to it, so that it can increase in emotional depth. Good luck, and keep writing!