Published February 17, 2008
Shadows of Obscurity
Moonlight creeps over the horizon.
Darkness evokes all that is bright.
I linger into the shadows,
to find my prince of night.
He possesses all that keeps me breathing,
imprisons me to his ways.
Holds me in his stone carved arms.
I am a captive to his touch, unable to escape.
For though I am not afraid if death is the price,
my love for this darkness will never turn bright.
He keeps me breathing, allows me to live,
kisses me with passion, evelops me with sin.
Dusk has evolved upon us, our love is at last,
the demons of daylight cannot pass.
My prince, hold onto my heart and never let go,
Show me your passion, show me your soul.
Brightness smothers me, knowing our moment is gone.
I turn trying to feel for his cold loving touch.
Standing in the sunlight, knowing its dawn.
Another night is wasted,another is to come.
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Hmmm, I liked this. It was quite powerful.
You are a talented writer. Your themes are a little cliche, but you manage to write a strong poem. You have nice language and your rhythm rocks.
My only nasty critique is about the rhyming: the first stanza has a rhyme scheme, it seems, and maybe the second too, but after that, it dissolves. If you didn't intend it to rhyme and the first stanza was just a coincidence, you should probably go back and edit it so that it doesn't give people the wrong impression.
Other than that, great poem. I enjoyed it!
~GryphonFledgling
Hi! It's me again.
I just wanted to say a few things:
[quote] Moonlight creeps over the horizon.
Darkness evokes all that is bright.
I linger into the shadows,
to find my prince of night.
I love this part. It has a great opening to the story and I think you did a good job. It has a lot of power and makes the reader feel.
After that I have nothing to say because it just takes you in and wraps all it's power around you until you can't feel the ground. In other words, it's amazing and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
shanan-cat!
Thank you for your request miyaviloves, after reading through this piece one more time i realized it didnt make sense so i replaced
with something a bit more dramatic. .Sorry about the cliche i have many issues with over describing and making all of the energy just fall out. I'll try to write more to the point instead of using so many words.
Thank you all for your help,
Keep Writing
You have been writing a lot of poems lately and i haven't that is because i am saving my points. I really like it but like what miyaviloves said that it was somewhat cliche i agree. But this is a poem that i think people will enjoy. I do. If you need me you know how to reach me.
Oh yeah i like your new ending to "Stone cold" very good *Clap,Clap*. Well see you around! XD
SimonCowellLuver
I usually don't like poetry like this...although it was a little cliche in parts I actually enjoyed it
-Although I like this line, Im not quite sure what the sin is, becuase the way you have tlkaed about this person she is looking for is bad, then his kiss is what protects you? Meh...maybe I missed the point?
Anyway, that's all I have to say, I don't write poetry so I don't know all about the technical stuff >.<
meevs
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