Published February 16, 2008
Bloody Pearls
I feel you linger closer.
And you breathe down my neck.
I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be.
The piercing pearls are scarring me.
Eternity is forever, withholding.
Our love is to be forever
With one last taste of blood
Hold my wrists and drain the red.
Grab me tight, and don’t let me drown .
Kiss me with passion, as you did before.
Tell me that our love will never fade.
As the world turns black and white.
I reach out for a last taste of freedom.
I have become a slave to your world.
I’ll never leave, as I am chained to your touch.
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139,682 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Punc.tuation. Work on. That. Other than that. It's has detail. and some good wording. Keep. It up.
I enjoyed the imagery and the use of the word "pearls" to mean "teeth" but there wasn't much rhythm to it. Every line seemed to stand alone, it didn't flow with the rest of the poem.
Overall I liked this poem (I'm a sucker for vampires =P) but it needs to work, right now it doesn't read well. Fix the flow and it will be killer!
Really good poem! Keep up the good work!
-Rick
Haha, I really have nothing to say that others haven't. This was really interesting, and it flowed very well.
)
One thing that I don't agree with (no offense meant) is Shanan-cat's "fade" to "be gone". I know that the rhyming sounds good, and makes it more rhythmic, but if you're going to rhyme, you need to rhyme in the whole poem, or it gets off. Again, no offense meant, it's a good idea but might not work too well... but you don't have to listen to me. (I wonder how many people actually do.
But it was good, rhythm was good, although it (again) didn't make much sense to me till the explanation... although I kind of understood, I guess.
I didn't exactly love the use of two "forever"s right after each other in stanza two, but your choice....
And in "Eternity is forever, withholding" I would ditch the comma to make it sound better.
My favorite part was
"I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be."
The difference between sentence length looked weird, but flowed surprisingly well.
Keep up the good work--and more importantly, keep writing!!! (I'll keep reading)
Teh Wozzinator
Heyhey, your work is coming along very nicely indeed. This was a great piece.
I enjoyed the way your thoughts flowed well, for example this line is fab:
Everyso often the rhyming scheme comes back and we as readers are kept on our toes. This is a very good technique because instead of coming across as forced (as I tend to do when creating rhyming couplets-guilty!) it presents your poem as effortless, it simply happens that way.
The theme is still quite dark, for example I didnt know what "bloody pearls" were either, and it sort of put me off because so many writers try to go down the emotional gothic path in order to produce passion and good prose.
But this is just my point of view, and it really doesnt matter what route you go down, as long as you enjoy it. That is obvious from your poetry, and that counts for a hell of a lot.
I would suggest re-ordering the second last line from
To--> "I have become a slave to your world". It just seems more effective that way. Feel free to ignore me though.
Great job, you know you can PM me with more,
Eimearxx
I really liked this one!
The piercing pearls are scarring me.Eternity is forever, withholding.
Our love is to be forever
I LOVED this part the most! It catches my attention, and I'm sure others too.
Tell me that our love will never fade.
Change "fade" to "be gone" so it can rhyme. It will change it for the best.
[quote]As the world turns black and white.
I reach out for a last taste of freedom.
A slave to your world, I have become.
I’ll never leave, as I am chained to your touch.
Love what you did with the end!
Over all, it was amazing and had a lot of taste to it.
shanan-cat!
OH!
Well I have heard of someone call teeth pearly whites, just not...pearls...
Ok, I get it now!!! *laughs*
It means teeth. Haven't you ever heard someone refer to teeth as pearly whites. It was a basic vampire theme, I'm sorry for the confusion, it's my old ways coming back to haunt me.
This was pretty good...I like this. But my question is...
What do "bloody pearls" have to do with this? I mean, the whole "piercing pearls" thing confuses me. This was good, it has a lot of really strong emotion. I just don't get how the pearl thing ties in.
i like this it is great. All you have to do is add punctionuation to it. Even though it is a poem in stanza form it needs commas,periods, etc.
But content wise it was very cool to read. I like this kind of poetry.
Keep Up The Good Work!! XD
TTYL SIMONCOWELLLUVER