Punc.tuation. Work on. That. Other than that. It's has detail. and some good wording. Keep. It up.
Bloody Pearls
I feel you linger closer.
And you breathe down my neck.
I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be.
The piercing pearls are scarring me.
Eternity is forever, withholding.
Our love is to be forever
With one last taste of blood
Hold my wrists and drain the red.
Grab me tight, and don’t let me drown .
Kiss me with passion, as you did before.
Tell me that our love will never fade.
As the world turns black and white.
I reach out for a last taste of freedom.
I have become a slave to your world.
I’ll never leave, as I am chained to your touch.
Punc.tuation. Work on. That. Other than that. It's has detail. and some good wording. Keep. It up.
I enjoyed the imagery and the use of the word "pearls" to mean "teeth" but there wasn't much rhythm to it. Every line seemed to stand alone, it didn't flow with the rest of the poem.
Hold my wrists and drain the red. In this line you've established a rhythm, but then...
Grab me tight, and don’t let me drown...here you change the flow completely, when you do that it's clunky and uncomfortable to read
Haha, I really have nothing to say that others haven't. This was really interesting, and it flowed very well.
One thing that I don't agree with (no offense meant) is Shanan-cat's "fade" to "be gone". I know that the rhyming sounds good, and makes it more rhythmic, but if you're going to rhyme, you need to rhyme in the whole poem, or it gets off. Again, no offense meant, it's a good idea but might not work too well... but you don't have to listen to me. (I wonder how many people actually do. 
)
But it was good, rhythm was good, although it (again) didn't make much sense to me till the explanation... although I kind of understood, I guess.
I didn't exactly love the use of two "forever"s right after each other in stanza two, but your choice....
And in "Eternity is forever, withholding" I would ditch the comma to make it sound better.
My favorite part was
"I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be."
The difference between sentence length looked weird, but flowed surprisingly well.
Keep up the good work--and more importantly, keep writing!!! (I'll keep reading)
Teh Wozzinator
Heyhey, your work is coming along very nicely indeed. This was a great piece.
I enjoyed the way your thoughts flowed well, for example this line is fab:
I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be.
A slave to your world, I have become
I really liked this one!
The piercing pearls are scarring me.I’m holding back on what’s killing me.
For I know what is to be.
I loved this stanza! It really makes you get the fact that your being real serious.
Tell me that our love will never fade.With one last taste of blood
This part takes away from the rest of your section. Change it.
OH!
Well I have heard of someone call teeth pearly whites, just not...pearls...
Ok, I get it now!!! *laughs*
It means teeth. Haven't you ever heard someone refer to teeth as pearly whites. It was a basic vampire theme, I'm sorry for the confusion, it's my old ways coming back to haunt me.
This was pretty good...I like this. But my question is...
What do "bloody pearls" have to do with this? I mean, the whole "piercing pearls" thing confuses me. This was good, it has a lot of really strong emotion. I just don't get how the pearl thing ties in.
i like this it is great. All you have to do is add punctionuation to it. Even though it is a poem in stanza form it needs commas,periods, etc.
But content wise it was very cool to read. I like this kind of poetry.
Keep Up The Good Work!! XD
TTYL SIMONCOWELLLUVER
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