"Hey."
"Oh, erm, you're awake. Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"You're so cute, when you don't know what to say. I love it."
Max is a really attractive guy, but he did not use it. I mean, he never goes out until the dawn is breaking. He is so unlike me, though sometimes so alike. It is strange.
"How was it?", I asked him. He slept beside me in my bed because he and his roommate had a fight about me.
Yeah, they fought about me. Me who was only interested in Max. Peris was just a guy that thinks he is gorgeous an cool.
"Fine."
"Nice", I said.
I was a girl who can't get enough of guys. I played and betrayed every guy.
But I know I cannot betray Max.
He is a good guy. He is a believing Christian. He tries to do the right thing, make peace and he loves listening to music from the 60s. But he is not gay, otherwise he would not be lying beside me.
"I think your roommates smell a rat."
"That's 'kay.
"What?" He wants to stand up, but I hold him back.
"They are used to smell a rat." I grinned widely. "Really, Max. Don't worry. They don't even ask what's going on in here."
"The more you say the more I feel ashamed because of being with you."
Now I was mad. I mean, really mad. What is this supposed to mean? I'm not scum or anything. "What?"
He stands up, however, I don't stop him. "I have to go. If anyone finds out about us - or your smelling rat roommates do gossip, they will tell around and teas me because of that. And I am not able to stand that."
"You are ashamed 'cause of me? Is it that? And if, take your trunk and get the hell outta here!"
Now I'am alone and lonely and cryning the hell out of me. I sent Nic and Ash - my roommates - away. They wanted to comfort me, but I don't need to be comforted.
Nic and Ash are just pretending to feel sorry for me. I know they are laughing behind my back, because superhot Max Miller ran away from me.
Me, the most attractive girl here on the campus.
I am going to be like Marilyn Monroe.
Hot and attractive and popular and with a load of friends.
And lonely. Missunderstood. Just a toy for guys. Without friends. And drugged up to the eyeballs.
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I am sorry for my style. English is not my first language, but German. So maybe the text sounds weird to you.
And I personally have nothing against Marilyn Monroe - these characteristics are just facts from some bios that are listed at google or wikipedia.
Be honest, but not rude or mean.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi SitaLon, I'm Orange, nice to meet you!
I have to admit that English isn't my native language either, so I'll leave your grammar and stlye to others to correct, because I'd probably do more damage than good
Instead, let's see other elements of your writing. I suppose you wanted to show us a piece of life, that particular point where the main character realises that she was on the wrong way of the road and she needs to make a change. If you want us to feel her despair, her loneliness when Max leaves her in the bed, you have to SHOW us, rather than TELLING us what's happening.
You can do this in a couple of ways. First of all, try to add describtion to your story. How does the place they're in look like; how does it smell; what sounds do they hear; what can they see from the bed etc.
To describe your characters is even more essential to anything you write. Don't TELL us that she has beautiful blonde hair and innocent blue eyes, is hot and attractive and popular, but SHOW us through her actions how all this affects your character and the others around her.
Check out this usergroup about character development, it's great and I'm sure you will find a lot of useful things there. I also recommend reading the articles you can find in Writing Tips. You will see what kind of problems your fellow writers have, what are the important elements of writing and how can you achieve the effects you need to make a good story.
Good luck with your learning and writing! If you stick to it, YWS will help you a lot