Talya
I knew that they had gone after Cali, not me. I breathed a sigh of relief, but I had to keep going, for our brothers sake, I had to keep going.
I was the youngest and Cali always reminded me of that. She never let me do anything by myself. Now I would prove her wrong.
Knowing that I had to keep going, I ran deeper into the forest. I checked behind me every so often.
On the fourth time I looked back, I smiled. They had definitely not followed me. I tripped.
Suddenly I was falling, tumbling head first down a steep rocky slope which seemed to have come out of nowhere.
Screaming I fell straight into a lake and swallowed a large amount of water. Spluttering I swam to the side and moved the hair out of my eyes.
“Ah!” There was a tall figure stood above me.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?”
I couldn’t see his face, it was too dark. “I-I’m Talya, Tal really. I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
“Quiet.”
“What? I was just…”
“I said quiet! I need to listen.”
I stood up; he was probably a little older than me. Cali would have liked him, she was the one who was good at talking to other people, not me.
Then without warning, he turned and began to walk away.
“Where are you going?” I ran after him.
He ignored me. I ran in front of him, he didn’t stop and didn’t even look at me.
“Hello!” I waved my hands in front of him.
Then he tripped over a rock, an obvious rock.
I laughed. “Not so smooth after all…” I stopped; he was feeling around on the ground as if he was lost. “Are you alright?”
His hand found a long wooden pole, and he used it to pull himself up.
“I’m fine. Go away!” He walked off again.
“What is wrong with you? I mean, you are probably the most anti-social person I have ever seen!”
He stopped sharply. “I have never seen anyone.” He whispered.
“What do you mean you have never seen anyone? You can see me now.”
As he turned around to face me, I noticed he didn’t actually look at me.
“No, I don’t see you.”
“Oh. I am sorry, I didn’t know.”
He didn’t answer. Just turned around again and carried on walking. I decided to follow him, but I didn’t want him to know I was so I was really quiet and kept him just in sight.
After a while, he stopped again.
“I know you are following me.”
I stopped and blushed before realising he couldn’t see it.
“And I know you are blushing.”
My face turned an even darker red, “I am not blushing, and you can’t see my face so how would you know?”
“I just know.” He continued walking.
I ran to catch up and walked behind him for a while, watching how he touched everything with his stick before he stepped on it. I was entranced, he tapped everything three times, each time in a different place and he never put a foot wrong. He even missed the small potholes which were full of water. I had already trodden in three and now my trousers were soaked from the knee down.
“Where are we going?”
“How do I know I can trust you?” He stopped and faced me.
“I-I suppose you will just have to find out for yourself.”
He looked as though he was studying my face, but he couldn’t have been. “Hum.”
“What?” I asked.
“Hum. You know, mmmmmm. Any note, just hum for me.”
I looked at him quizzically before remembering that he couldn’t see that and I began to hum. The note was very unsteady at first and I saw him wince every time I went sharp or flat. Then he dropped his stick by his feet and placed his hands on my shoulders. I stopped.
“Keep going.” He said as though it was obvious.
I began humming again and gradually he moved his hands up my neck to my face where he used his thumbs to feel the features of my face. His touch was strange, business-like almost, there was no feeling in it.
He moved all over my face and then dropped his hands to his sides and picked up his stick. “You can stop humming now.”
I blushed again; I had forgotten I was still humming.
“Can I be trusted?” I asked as he walked away again.
“Yes, to a certain extent. You have a tendency towards cowardice although you seem to be quite loyal. You are normally a quiet person?”
It was a rhetorical question, and I knew it.
~SishBee~
x
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Sounds a bit like an excerpt from somewhere in the middle of a novel rather than a stand alone short story to me. That's not exactly a bad thing, it's just different. The flow of this piece was pretty good and it was written quite well. The idea behind is not bad. Its pretty simple but it does a pretty good of working with it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Nice start. It immediately gets the reader thinking about things and drags them into the story quite well. Great job there.
If she was told to keep going no matter what not quite sure why she just decides to follow this man all of a sudden.
Not the best adjective there to show that he was clumsy. Maybe have him into a tree or something if you want to foreshadow the blindness.
Not a hundred percent sure why he has to be so vague and dramatic about that statement but okay.
That sounds like he can read minds.
Just kiddingThis isn't the most consistent with the things that he runs into and then him not putting a single foot wrong. It just sounds a tad bit contradictory to me.
That comes off a lot creepier than I think you intended it to sound.
I have no idea how he came up with all of that through touch but then this is in the fantasy category so I am not going to question that.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall its done well. The idea is for me not the most consistent but the way its presented is pretty good. The characters are understandable, we get a good sense of the setting that they are in without any kind of unnecessary info dumps. Overall a nice piece to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Oops. I cut off at a bad spot. It sounds terrible. Sorry.*-.-
You are a very talented writer, and I enjoyed your piece very much XDXDXD
Anyway, I'm curious of what happens next, and who the heck this guy is, and what happened to Tal's brother, and sister, and... well, everything
***I^o^I***
OKAY.... I'm going to try this again.......
My computer is stupid, sorry. XO
There should be more description in your paragraphs, and you should combine some of them.
Right now, it's really hard to feel for Tal, because we don't know what's going on inside her head and heart. I mean, she sounds really heartless in the beginning, saying "yes, they're chasing my sister and not me." The next paragraph is about her sister treating her like a baby, and how she is going to prove her wrong. Unfortunately, this makes Tal sound cruel. X(
With the blind guy... why does Tal trust him so suddenly? How does she know he's not with the people chasing her sister?
Another thing about him... he seems to be a out of character when he speaks. When I imagine this guy, I'm thinking he says "Worthless mortal, be gone." instead of "go away!" Besides, if he's older than Tal, he would probably say something different than a simple 'go away.'
Tal seems a bit out of character too. In the beginning she wants to prove herself, and at the end, the blind guys asks if she's 'the quiet type,' and it sounds like he's right
Also, how would Cali's people skills make her like this guy? Unless he would treat her differently than Tal, heck, NO ONE would like him. If Cali thought he was attractive, that would make more sense.
When she asks "Can I be trusted," this is too unspecified. If anyone knows she can be trusted, it's her. "Do you trust me" would be a better statement.