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Please, please, please give this another line. You are such a tease! Thirteen lines? One off a sonnet? Mean. Actually I would like to see this as a villanelle, because it sort of has refrains. In my head I hear this as like 19th Century German lieder, like Schumman or Schubert, you can hear it in the voice of a really clean soprano, very little vibrato, just enough to make it richer at times. Partly this is because it embodies one pure emotion without changing or having conflict, which I am terrible at, well done. So in general summary I would say, maybe explore old forms while editing, if only because they will get you to look at it from a different direction, which is never a bad thing. My other thought, is making this a "Song Cycle" which was typical to lieder, and also to many modern poets, have the story or emotions eplored in a series. You might like AD Hope's "Six Songs for Chloe", it is quite different and not at all lieder-like, and also naughty, but he is a thouroughly delicious poet. Now. Dissection.
God this would be a good villanelle. It's all naturally refrainy, how many times can you get something that is naturally refrainy. Anyway, enough of that. I like the image here, but I do not like the repetition of 'gone', maybe rephrase one or the other, or it's not a surprise.
I also kind of want this to be the last line, have the sort of spiritual protection, and then the physical, it will be okay in the end. It would also create some balance, man lost, man missed, man restored. I know I said I liked it because it wasn't narratively, but it would be more dramatic to have him guiding her though the night, and then being there at the end. I don't think it would necessarily upset the mood.
'For' is unnecessary, and oddly punctuated. Close your eyes and sleep, I do not want you to see me gone, is self explanitory, one leads to the other without 'for'. I didn't notice 'gone' that time, you can keep it if you change one of the others.
Saki has a quote, 'the phraseology of lovemaking is awfully limited." That is true, and it is hard to know what is cliche and what is just the way people express themselves when they are in love. I was going to say, 'love you so much it sometimes hurts' is verging on cliche, it's phrased better than the cliche, but I was going to ask more specifics on the pain, but now I am thinking about the phraseology of lovemaking, and i am not so sure.
If you wish to make it a sonnet, put the other line in here.
You're doing good. Be proud.
Hey Toby! Dogs here with your review today, ironically I just finished my own love poem lol. Anywho I like the idea of this, it is very sweet and you use the repition of "Good night my Love" very well, under normal circumstances I really don't like people focusing on Repition of one line or phrase in their poem because it gets repetative and predictable but you pull this off very well.
Anyways down to buisness, so I'm going to start off with afew grammatical/rhythm errors that I wanted to point out. So in the first line when you say: "for I'll be gone all night." Under normal circumstances you want to not do abriviations and right the entire word out in poetry unless that extra words throws off the rhythm, in this case the lack of that extra word is kinda throwing off the rhythm for me, so try saying:
"for I will be gone all night"
Now this line really bugs me when you say:
"Close yours and sleep" I know what your trying to say here but just rhythm wise it dosn't flow smoothly, try something else like:
"Close your eyes and sleep" Or "go to sleep" or something along those lines. All of these are just suggestions you don't really have to take then at all.
Ok so most people usually over use commas but you kinda underuse commas ironically. There are a lot of times where you should replace a period with a comma but I'm not gonna go over those, they are pretty evident for the most part in my opinion.
Okey dokey now on to the content. I really love the idea of this of how the person is leaving (it is undefined whether it's a girl or a boy so I'm just gonna say person) and how this is what the person is saying to their beloved. Now the there were two things that I was really looking for in this poem but didn't show up as nearly as much as I would have wanted or maybe that they should have. In a love poem or any emotional poetry it is the goal of you, the writer, to make the reader feel whatever you or your character in the poem is feeling at the moment. What this is lacking is a way of showing us how much the character loves his beloved, in terms of writing there is no evidence supporting that this person loves his "partner". There are hints that he/she cares for his beloved but no strong solid evidence supporting that he/she loves him/her. Yes, the person does call his/her partner "love/darling" but that's not neraly enough to make the reader feel the love the person is feeling for their lover.
A way to make a bigger impact on your reader in terms of emotional writing is talk about how your character feels about having to leave his lover. Does it break their heart? Does it leave a hollowness inside of them without thier lover by their side? Now the final thing I wanted to point out that I really wanted to see more of was the imagery aspect of your writing. If you want to make this a stronger poem try focusing in some imagery like how your character will be in the stars, what do the stars look like? Is he twinkling in the stars? Is he winking in the stars? Is he ever watchful in the stars? Try to use some powerful metaphors in this, like if the character IS a star in this sense try explaing how he/she illuminates the night sky so his/her lover can always see him/her up in the sky.
Now these are just all ideas you don't have to add them in but I really suggest you do. I do, however, love the last line with the: "Good night my love, good night, good night, good night" That part is very powerful, great job there and that is the only time that I feel like I can understand the characters point of view. You should try to establish that earlier in the poem. Well thats all I really have to say, this poem is really good but just needs a little bit of polishing. If you want any help you can PM me and I would be happy to help you out. Keep up the good work Toby!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh