Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General

16+ Violence

Hidden Entity - 3.4 - The Crater

by Lightsong

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

But this was Terna’s country, her favourite human civilization. This was where people poured their generosity as much as they poured water to their plants - indeed, those who were in need, those who came from outside, would find the Alay people a pleasant surprise. They would be greeted with pleasantries and food along with a home to stay provided by the Alay. The Alay didn’t view foreigners or poor people to be a burden and instead saw them as deprived of love and care. Their devotion to the Caring attribute of Terna was indeed shown through.

The Alay in Kalaki were all dead. Anam assumed that was so, seeing no hint of human life creeping out of the destruction. Tall buildings collapsed as parts of them were punctured; corpses brought scarlet drops on the background.

Terna walked forward, a slow step at a time. Ilal and Anam followed from behind. No word came from her as she inspected the monstrosity. She passed by dead children; she passed by unattached limbs and pools of blood. Then, she watched the sky. Trails of red gas faded among the clouds before heaven was a pure azure. No birds chirped nearby; all the lining trees escorting the roads had fallen due to the holes on them.

‘They did this,’ Terna whispered, forcing Anam to stop in his walk. He recognized her cold voice, a warning to all who lived. ‘They didn’t destroy Alasia, but they destroyed its heart. Kalaki was where everyone gathered to barter, to sell, to give and to take. This was where every exchange began.’ At her sides, her hands open, looking like the claws of an eagle. ‘They should know that. Deshar was Kalaki’s busiest day. They knew that, yet they killed. All of them. They didn’t spare anyone.

‘The Alay were innocent!’ Terna shouted to the air, to the nothingness that didn’t reply. ‘They were good people! They didn’t mind if their golds were spent to provide food and water to the needed ones. They didn’t mind if they had to work harder to feed an extra person in their homes. They knew what was right to do; they knew how to be the best of men. And this,’ she paused, looking around her with a frantic movement, ‘this was how they were treated! I promised them good life. I promised them heaven in the afterlife. I wanted to reward them for the good they had done.

‘They didn’t ask for this!’ she shrieked, crouching over a woman who held two children in her embrace. Her hands shook as she traced the blood coming from the woman’s head. When she arrived at the woman’s hands, she grabbed them tightly. Her head was bowed, but Anam saw drops of tear falling down, blending with the blood-covered hands. He retreated; at this point, no one could control Terna. Ilal sensed that too as she joined Anam.

They could hear Terna uttering something. Then, the goddess’s head snapped to the sky, and she said louder, ‘They. Will. Pay.

The ground beneath Anam’s feet vibrated and he wiped the sweat starting to form on his forehead. Then, he floated to the sky, followed by Ilal.

By the name of Rendarin Queen, the Mother Creation,’ Terna shrilled, forcing the ground to shook more violently, ‘I will never forgive the violation of lives of creations, the bypass of laws of deities.’ The blue in the sky darkened, mirroring Terna’s current emotion. ‘The entities in my planet Earth unwelcome and unannounced, and they would be judged. They have committed a crime in my territory, and they would be punished.’

Earth replied with a quake. Anam could hear it all; the thunder-like sound, vibrations multiplied in volume, and the state of Kalaki. Everything and everyone shook, as if displaying the torment they had gone through while the entities were there ravaging the whole thing.

By the name of Rendarin King, the Father Destruction.’ Terna’s words, the second half of a Child’s vow, overcame the quake. Drops of rain started to fall from the gloomy clouds dominating the sky. ‘I will never forget the unprecedented destruction of outsiders, the bypass of harmony long time built.’ Raindrops attacked the ground like bullets, relentless. Terna’s clothes were wet. Ilal’s and Anam’s were soaked. All of them didn’t care about it all. Terna’s vow would start the Children’s war against the entities.

Terna stood. ‘I, the second daughter of Rendarin Queen, born from Her Majesty’s Will, am responsible for this cruelty.’ Her voice was as booming as the thunders flashing from time to time. ‘I will avenge the deaths of my worshipers. I will persuade Children of the Queen and Children of the King to join my quest in bringing judgment to the entities. The Children will not sit still.’

‘We will not sit still,’ Ilal said quietly.

‘We will not sit still!’ Anam shouted. Terna had persuaded him over one hundred percent, and his blood was pumping like crazy. How dare the entities did this to them? How dare they belittled the Children’s authority by acting this way? He shook his fists, flexing his bicep. Profanities he bellowed to the damned criminals. He felt like a deity of hatred had taken over his body as his ring spun without control. He felt -

‘Calm down, brother,’ Ilal said. Anam was sure she had been watching him acting like a madman. Her calm assurance brought blushes to his cheek. ‘I appreciate your energy, but it’s uselessly demonstrated.’

‘Um, yeah, sorry,’ Anam said meekly. He focused again on Terna, watching the goddess’ wrecked emotions shaking the Earth and bringing down rain. She was always honest to everyone and herself.

Eventually, the quake lessened and rain stopped. The gloomy clouds still ruled the sky. Terna slowly stood up and turned to them. The whites in her eyes had branches of red; she let her face stay tear-stained. ‘We’re going to hold a meeting. Between us, Children of Rendarin Queen, and them, Children of Rendarin King.’ Her voice was controlled and she walked like a queen in revenge.

Ilal nodded.

Anam’s heart stopped beating for a second. Children of Rendarin King, born from His Majesty’s Will. Also known as Children of Destruction. He couldn’t wait to see them. Well, he saw them everyday in Hell and Heaven and other planets. Except for one. The eldest of them, Arxey, the God of Black Hole, showed himself once in fifty years. He wasn’t leader material like Nevea, but he was divinely hot. Hellishly hot. This meeting… it would be an opportunity for Anam to confess his feeling towards him.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
429 Reviews

Points: 5009
Reviews: 429

Sun Mar 26, 2017 7:35 am
View Likes
Wolfical wrote a review...

Happy Review Day!!!

Hello again, Light! You're getting my 350th review, so congrats on that I guess. d:

The Alay in Kalaki were all dead.

Wow. What a powerful line to juxtapose against the previous paragraph. As I was reading what the Alay people were like, alive, in the first paragraph, I practically forgot what had happened to them all. Then this line comes and hits you like a freight train.

At her sides, her hands open, looking like the claws of an eagle.

This needs to be in past tense, so "opened" rather than just "open."

forcing the ground to shook more violently


He shook his fists, flexing his bicep.

Was that necessary? xD yes, yes of course it was

The whites in her eyes had branches of red


Anammm. Is now the time? Especially when the guy's a god of destruction? The last paragraph is classic Anam and the "hellishly hot" bit made me laugh, but it's a bit out of place, especially as the conclusion to the chapter. Particularly if there isn't going to be a 3.5, I think that it'd be better to have a paragraph after that one that draws Anam's thoughts away from the hot guy and back to the more important emotional aspects of the chapter.

Why? Because this chapter part is awesome. It shifted from hopelessness and despair to earth-quaking emotion. Terna's expression of sadness was beautiful and powerful, especially from a character who is said to have not been terribly fond of humans. I wasn't sure whether I liked her or not in the earlier chapters, but now I certainly do. I hope that we'll get a taste of her point of view sometime soon.

That being said, I agree with Mea that Anam's sudden fervor of passion was a little uncalled for and it threw me off. It was kind of funny with his bicep and all, but I don't think humor works well in a setting like this, where the emotion is so raw and real. Maybe Anam could feel the emotion surging up in him, but Ilal, predicting what he's about to do, gives him a sharp glance earlier that calms him down.

Great work on this! I'm looking forward to meeting this Arxey guy, if not for anything but Anam's sake.

User avatar
91 Reviews

Points: 4155
Reviews: 91

Sun Mar 26, 2017 3:14 am
View Likes
Kazumi wrote a review...

Hey there, Light. It’s ya boi awtbeyders, and I’m back with another review that I promised.
So far I’ve read and reread these four chapters again and again, and I found out some more noteworthy things that made and broke my reading experience.

First off, I’m gonna talk about the “ridiculous amounts of exposition.” I know I complained about it before, but I’ll do it again cause I feel like I didn’t say it well enough,. I’ll rephrase my previous point again, but in a more concise manner. We don’t need those little expositions and background details. We don’t need to know how Anam sits with that ring around that body. We don’t need to know that he was born with that ring, at least not now. We ain’t got time for none of these. Some guy just insulted these gods and turned their fans into zombies. We don’t want all these background info, that stuff’s getting in the way. The situation is getting real beefy mmm. And so we want to know what happens next, and we want to know now.

Aside from that, the mood of these chapters is somewhat unfocused because of the writing style that involves these “ridiculous amounts of exposition.” It doesn’t make the viewers feel what they are supposed to feel. Take the scene where Anam and Ilal are in Ilal’s place. Prior to that, they witnessed some mysterious force prophesying a chilling revelation against them, and they saw their zombified followers eat each other. Our main characters must be in a hurry to get to the bottom of this as well. This is some thicc beef right here; these events would pique the interest of anyone. However, the cumbersome pace of this scene just slowly loses the tension built. I know, this is like a down time for the thrilling events that just happened. But it just takes way too long and has so much things in between that it just slowly lets go of the thrilling and urgent feel that it built up.

The mood is also muddled by some of the actions of the characters. When Anam shouts that they would not sit still in 3.4, Ilal tells them to calm down, then Anam apologizes like, timidly. Yay, comic relief in the most inconvenient of places. This is tragic scene that had hundreds of citizens murdered in cold blood. This is that character-defining that made a fierce deity like Terna break down, and that’s saying a lot. Then it’s gonna end with an awkward “um, yeah, sorry?” Come on, man.

Let’s go back to the writing style. Paragraph 8 of Chapter 2.3 is another example of how the writing style just falls flat in doing the events of the story justice. The thing that struck me about this part is how faraway and unvisceral it was. It didn’t feel as if it was happening right in front of you, but it felt more like a factual recount. I think this is due to the lack of contrast in the writing style and the briefness of the scene. The writing style in this scene was pretty much similar to the rest of the story. It felt the same, at least. Then its briefness at one small paragraph made it feel shorter than it should have been, like a fleeting moment. I think one of the ways to remedy this is to make the writing style more terse, while making the scene longer. There’s something about a shorter writing style that it gives it much urgency and thrill. On the other hand, making the scene longer immerses the reader. The more you let the scene drag on, the more the reader gets to take it in. Couple that with the efficiency of a short writing style, and you get yourself a scene that’s nail-bitingly fast-paced, while still being long enough to grind into the reader what’s really happening.

Another thing that made this scene much less impactful is the lack of setting. I didn’t get immersed in the city of Ilaeg. I didn’t get to know the citizens of Ilaeg either. So it didn’t feel like it was humans being destroyed in the zombie scene and in Terna’s city-state. It didn’t help that the Ilaegians were conveniently color-coded, as if they were in a cartoon. It simply didn’t feel like an actual, breathing society of humans. I believe it would help if you dedicated an entire chapter to establishing the city of Ilaeg. There are many questions unanswered, like how far has their technology advanced, or how their government works. Add all the elements needed for a functional society, as well as many nuances and tints to it, then you’ll have a well-rounded setting. This is very important for a fantasy story like this, because being sent to another world is one of the main appeals of the genre.

The effects of this go farther than just this zombie scene, but all the subsequent events where the setting of the city-states play a big part, or where the city-states are at stake. When the city-state of Terna gets destroyed, it wouldn’t feel like a plot device to piss off the deities. Rather, it would feel like an actual human civilization was destroyed by this mysterious force. When the deities are facing off against the big boss for the sake of their followers, the city states wouldn’t feel like some justification for the deities’ actions. Rather, it would feel like it’s the lives of thousands of human beings that are at stake.

Okay, so those are my two main criticisms. Let’s move on to the good stuff.

Despite each chapter being released in smaller parts, you didn’t forget that they were all connected together as one chapter. The flow of each chapter was seamless for the most part. When I put them together, I felt like they were really one whole chapter. Except for the first paragraph of 3.2. 3.2’s time jump was jarring; irregular to say the least. But that could easily fixed. Clap clap to you for smooth reading experience.

The last thing I’d like to praise is how Terna is well-rounded, at least when compared to the other characters. She’s hot-headed but has straightforward morals. I think that combination makes her very endearing and fun to follow. When she cried for the murdered citizens at Alasia, it just shows how much she cares for everything under her care (ahem). I think she’s gonna be a very interesting character to read, and I hope that all the other characters receive the same development as her.

So, yes. My problems with these chapters are the writing style, the unfocused mood of the story, and the lack of setting. However, I have to give some praise to the seamless reading experience provided by the story and the character of Terna. The story is very much interesting, but interesting isn’t enough. You gotta fix some fundamental issues. Anyways, that’s the end of my long review. I hope you learned something nice here. Have a good Review Day.



bah, who am I to complain about queerbaiting. we're all gay in the inside anyway, even just a little bit

User avatar
1078 Reviews

Points: 100730
Reviews: 1078

Sun Mar 19, 2017 12:03 pm
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...

Hey! Time for another review.

And wow. I feel like this chapter practically shouted "the plot starts now!" These are definitely new depths to Terna's character.

‘We will not sit still!’ Anam shouted. Terna had persuaded him over one hundred percent, and his blood was pumping like crazy

So... this paragraph really broke the mood for me. Seriously, I was really drawn into what Terna was saying. Your words were powerful, the vow was chilling, and I as a reader knew there was no turning back from this point. It was excellently done.

And then this sentence, and the rest of Anam's reaction, kind of ruined it. Instead of being dramatic, it made it feel over-the-top and cheesy, and that continued until Terna reprimanded him. In contrast, Ilal's quiet agreement was very powerful.

I'm not quite sure what to recommend here, since it definitely feels in Anam's character to have a reaction that would ruin the mood like that. But it ruins the mood, and personally it really threw me out of the story. Maybe have him focus on being in awe of Terna and what she's like when she gets angry, and his awe at the power of the oath she's invoking.

I would echo what I said last time about Anam feeling more like a passenger in this scene then anything else. If this is not where the high emotions are, if this is not where the decisions are being made, then why are you in his head?

It totally makes sense that the god of black holes is a child of Destruction, and I really like that little detail. That being said, I'm not really excited at the prospect of Anam confessing his love to him, since we haven't met the guy yet, and, well, it doesn't really make sense that Anam finds him hot. They're gods. They can change their appearance at will - why would appearance have any meaning to them in terms of what makes someone attractive?

The entities in my planet Earth unwelcome and unannounced, and they would be judged. They have committed a crime in my territory, and they would be punished.

You would say "will" instead of "would" here. "Would" is generally used hypothetically or in the sense that someone other than you will do something, not as an indicator that you're going to do something.

And that's all I've got! I will say, though, I don't have time to go through this line-by-line, but be particularly careful of grammar and syntax during Terna's speech, since it's such an important moment and mistakes ruin it a little.

One who sits between two chairs may easily fall down.
— Proverb from Romania and Russia