z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Hidden Entity - 2.3 - Red Gas

by Lightsong


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Just as Ilal’s eyes glimmer in satisfaction at the people who acted within expectation, Anam’s illusion - proto-Ilal, the purple entrance ring - vanished. Ilal’s tiger head turned towards him, waiting for an explanation. The God of Magic was frowning, his head tilted as if he was listening to something. Recognition hit Ilal; Anam’s magic sensor must have been triggered. For him to be distracted during this important occasion - something was wrong, very wrong.

‘I feel it again, the sensation,’ Anam said, not looking at Ilal but at a point on the field. His eyes seemed distant. ‘I can feel the usual electric jolt, a sign someone’s using magic, but there’s something else too. A kind of needle piercing me, the pain’s too minuscule it can be ignored... but it’s relentless. This - this isn’t magic - isn’t something of my doing.’ His posture went erect, suddenly. He turned around and pointed at Rof Itwah. ‘It’s from there.’

Ilal followed his eyes and saw. At one side of Rof Itwah’s tower was a red glow, exiting from the corner like a smoke. Ilal had never seen anything like it - perhaps it was a human’s doing, an experiment? Not, it couldn’t be. If it was mere mortal technology, Anam wouldn’t be able to feel it. If he could, it meant that glow was connected to magic. They needed to find out.

Ignoring the baffled noise from Ilal’s worshipers, Anam and they flew down to the library’s right tower - Anam with his swift curiosity, Ilal with their careful approach. When they reached the tower’s front wall, they could see the smoke more clearly. It was a sparkling red, its glow brighter than Anam’s magical blue. Other than colour, it seemed like a magic by-product.

And when they passed by it, they were shocked. Anam and Ilal recognized the human in front of them, emitting the red gas which smelled pungent, yet sweet. He shepherded the lambs this morning; how could he be here so fast? The travel from Ilaeg’s outskirt to its center demanded three-days journey by walking. His presence was impossible.

The man stood unbalanced, swaying from one side to another as if he was possessed. He drooled, white foam leaking out from the corner of his mouth. His eyes were not coordinated; they glowed blood red. It was after several seconds that he looked at them and whispered, ‘The creators’ reign will remain no longer. The bond of the divine five will break as the new gods come to reign. Destruction will arrive.’

He repeated the words three times before he collapsed, the red gas escaping his body and traveling through the air. As they watched, it entered the worshipers’ field. Some of them gasped at its appearance while others screamed. They scattered away from it, but to no avail as it had seeped into some of them, turning their eyes to eerie scarlet. These people moved as the farmer, unbalanced and hurried, running towards each other and -

They teared each other part. Their mouths turned to slicing machine, biting and crunching others who weren’t affected. Neck and arms were the primary victims. Blood spilled, poured, and scattered over the sacred ground, accompanied with shrills and cries. Boys and girls, young and old - none of them escaped the cannibalism as long as they were within the monsters’ reach.

For the first time, Ilal froze. Their tiger eyes didn’t move, watching the scene before them without any focus to details. They couldn’t register what was happening - the madness - and why it happened. And that was the scary part. They had seen chaos and humans eating each other before - the happening were countless - and understood what drove them into doing such monstrosity, but this? This was beyond them, something they weren’t used to, and such, made them uncomfortable.

As Ilal stood still like a statue, Anam ventured into the chaos. His ring started to spin, generating magical energy that moved to his hands, turning into blue aura. He gathered the aura in one of his hand, forming it into a sphere. He threw it into the massacre and it exploded into a brilliant flash for mere seconds. Then, the people started to float and were away from each other. After ensuring none of them would be able to reach each other, Anam turned towards Ilal. He touched their wings with his electric-covered hand.

Ilal blinked and felt the sensation of being returned to reality. They knew what to do before Anam spoke his mind. Unlike Anam, the Deity of Living Things didn’t need gestures to use their ability. Ilal closed her eyes. In their mind was their Will, ready for use. Using their mental power, they broke the Will into tiny droplets, each of them glowing green. Then, they opened their eyes.

The green droplets floated in front of them. Unlike Anam’s blue aura, these were invisible even to other deities’ eyes, except Ilal. Ilal instructed them to approach the unaffected, but wounded, people and entered their chests, prompting them to radiate a faint emerald light. Their wounds -exposed flesh, prolonged bleeding, broken bones - started to heal. Ilal commanded the healing to be most rapid for the most injured lot as they could see their souls vibrating out of their bodies, ready to escape at any time. Since they weren’t in the death schedule today, Ilal had no intention to see that changed.

The ones who had turned into man-eating monsters struggled, stretching out their arms to reach the unaffected. Anam approached one of them and the human turned towards him and attempted to bite his face. He didn’t retreat and instead continued to watch the mortal. Closing his eyes, he touch the man’s chest with his aura-covered hand. Then, he released it.

He shook his head as he headed towards Ilal. ‘I can’t heal him. Whatever’s ruining his sanity is not my magic - it’s something else.’

‘If we can’t treat him,’ Ilal said, staring at the man who uttered incomprehensible noises, ‘then we have to kill him. All of them.’

A/N: Yeah, this goes to the bottom. The part I was most excited to write about was when the humans turned into zombies. My writing turned chaotic and anxiety-driven and I had to juice out my imagination to produce something horrible and vomit-worthy. It was fun. :D I’m also liking Anam more and more here, hopefully the personality I try to project into him is recognizable. Ilal also has their first moment of being unprepared over something, and we’ll see what they’ll do after this.


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 4:55 am
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Sujana wrote a review...



WHAT 'N TARNATION WAS THIS HULLA BA LOO

okay, but I'll be honest, this was complete and total tonal dissonance and I actually really appreciated it. "Look! Away from the existential crisis everybody is having--zombies!" I'm interested in finally seeing some action and mindless fun in a book that I was starting to feel like is more a fantasy homework than anything.

And yeah, this entire scene was pretty fun. It was incredibly dramatic and the sudden appearance of the shepherd boy finally makes sense, but I'm disappointed because now I'll never know he was meant to have any personality D: . But you know what, I'm fine with that. If it's zombies that'll give me some relief, zombies it'll be.

Some notes of dialogue:

A kind of needle piercing me, the pain’s too minuscule it can be ignored -Anam


I find this line somewhat choppy, and it doesn't run well in my mind. I imagined a panicked Anam would say something along the lines of, "A kind of needle piercing me, but the pain is too minuscule, it can easily be ignored."

‘If we can’t treat him,’ Ilal said, staring at the man who uttered incomprehensible noises, ‘then we have to kill him. All of them.’


I feel like, if this were a movie, there should've been a pause between "Then we have to kill him" and "All of them." In that pause, Ilal might look at all of the cannibals surrounding them, with a look of horror but determination on their face. But that's just my opinion, it would make the pacing a little more dramatic for me.

Overall, I thought this chapter was a nice change of pace. It was definitely as dramatic as you intended it to be, and I liked how everything seemed so chaotic mid-way, but there was still enough good description of the monstrosity for it not to feel like you're skipping over stuff. I feel bad for these humans, and I'm genuinely in suspense as to what'll happen next.

--Elliot.




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Sat Feb 11, 2017 12:25 pm
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Apricity wrote a review...



With this review, I'll be all up to date. (What a blissful feeling). Anyways, let's go!


Ok, I'm gonna try and incorporate nitpicking stuff with content stuff and see how this goes.

A kind of needle piercing me, the pain’s too minuscule it can be ignored... but it’s relentless.


- Ok, several things within that sentence. The meaning is a bit ambiguous due to how you've structured. I assume you meant needle 'pain', are you saying that the pain is so small that it can be ignored, or so small that it can't be ignored? If it's the first one, then you'll want to replace 'too' with 'so'.

The use of 'miniscule' isn't quite the correct term here. Minuscule is usually used to describe concrete objects, but pain is abstract, it's an emotion. Hmm, maybe 'acute' would be a better word. The thesaurus is your friend here, if you aren't sure on how to use a word search it up when it's being put in a sentence that'll usually give you a better idea.

His posture went erect, suddenly


I think the word you're looking for here is 'stiff', 'erect' is correct but that word has been tainted by sexual connotations that I think penis whenever the word is used. I noticed an inconsistency in your use of pronoun with IIal, I think you've switched from his to Their/them/they and even to /her at some point in time as well and it's best to be consistent with these things.

At one side of Rof Itwah’s tower was a red glow


Wrong preposition, 'at' should be 'on. 'At' is usually used to express two things, location or arrival in a particular place or position. So something would be like, 'Mary live at Rainbow street'. Or expressing the time when an event takes place. 'The ritual will be held at 12 o'clock.' But you're not expressing any of that.

You know with your glows, apart from describing their colour. Could you describe what feelings it'd evoke to those who see it? Is it a chilling glow, a sinister glow, etc...?

exiting from the corner like a smoke.


'exiting' once again, verbs, verbs, verbs. Exiting usually refers to someone leaving a place, but here smoke, which is something that is amorphous would be better described as 'flying' or I don't know something less concrete. Also, 'from' is used incorrectly again, you want 'away' here. Because the smoke doesn't come from the corner, it's going away from it.

Other than colour, it seemed like a magic by-product.


Hmm, magic by-product? What do you mean by that, like it's not magic but a by-product of magic. What led them to the conclusion that it might be a magic by-product? Oh my god, the Shepherd guy makes an appearance again! That's a nice surprise, what a pity he's just a vessel for the message to travel through.

Oh yay! Zombies! This is nice, I sort of wished it was more graphic but I'm perfectly fine with the descriptions you've got there. I think someone else touched on the uncomfortableness, it is too low of an intensity. Given their reaction, a more appropriate word might be shocked or uneasy.

As Ilal stood still like a statue, Anam ventured into the chaos.


'As', you want 'while' here. Also...Anam seems sort of uncaring. Aren't they meant to be siblings, and it seems that IIal is in a bad state of shock, whatever it is it's bad enough to immoblise them. I mean, given the nature of their relationship I expect Anam to at least offer a word of comfort, if not consult with IIal as to why they've all turned into zombies.

Ahhh, the introduction of the Will. I think I'm starting to get a better idea of the Will, but here it's still not very clear. You've used it with mental power, but it's not quite mental power is it? Is there another way that you could describe the Will in more abstracts term, or contrast it in some way to mental power as a means of separating the two? You said that the 'Will' was their primary proof of their existence, but I'm not really sensing that here. The 'Will' here appears to me like a source of their power instead.

Ilal instructed them to approach the unaffected, but wounded, people and entered their chests, prompting them to radiate a faint emerald light. Their wounds -exposed flesh, prolonged bleeding, broken bones - started to heal.


Ok, I've quoted this whole chunk because there are several issues within it I want to address. Put a fullstop after 'unaffected'. 'But wounded' doesn't make sense, I think you meant that 'with the wounded, it entered their chests, prompting them to radiate a faint emerald light.'.
Why is there a dash after 'wounds', it's a confusing bit of punctuation that sort of came out of nowhere. Nix 'their wounds' we already know they're wounded, just go with 'exposed flesh,' 'not prolonged', it's not the right adjective here. Prolonged describes a time period, and a lengthy one at that, like 'It was a prolonged drought'. 'Heavy' is the word you want, nix the dash before 'start'ed as well.

Since they weren’t in the death schedule today, Ilal had no intention to see that changed.


What's a death schedule, and why is this relevant? I know that you don't have to explain this now, I'm just asking. Is there a set number of people that's meant to die each day? And are they responsible for making sure that everyone who's on the death schedule dies...or?

to reach the unaffected.


Hang on, I'm confused here. 'Unaffected', wouldn't that mean the man wasn't affected or have I read it wrong. Otherwise, why is he dying? Is he wounded as a result of the zombies, but...if he's not a zombie why did he bite Anam's face?

‘If we can’t treat him,’ Ilal said, staring at the man who uttered incomprehensible noises, ‘then we have to kill him. All of them.’


Damn, that's a cold response. Do they feel anything else in response to this killing, some kind of remorse, apathy, pity? But on the other hand, I think the sentence is self-sufficient in its simplicity to create emotion, it invites the readers to interpret it in their own way without being too vague or flat. So, I guess it's up to you whether to expand on it or not.

Okkkkkk, this is the end of my review. I think my brain cells are kinda dead by now, I hope this review was helpful. If you've got any questions or comments, lemme know. Keep writing, and keep me posted. c:

-Apricity




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Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:01 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Ohmygoodness, zombies. This is intense and I love it.

Also, rock-hard conflict - now that's what I like! Theory time!

Ilal is the god of creation. Their magic has everything to do with the earth. Thus, when earthen wounds are made, Ilal can reverse them. But here, they can't reverse the red magic, which tells me that some other deity is behind this. My theory is that it's either Nevea or Terna. You spent a lot of time with them in the earlier chapters and so I have a feeling they're especially important. I'm leaning toward Terna because she seems to be the more oppressed one who would have some sort of dark motive pent up inside of her to unleash something like this. Or maybe it's Yalir, that mysterious goddess in Aevi that we know nothing about. I don't think it's Nevea but maybe she's hiding something >:)

Assuming that the cause of the Red Gas is Terna/Yalir, what would be their motive? Whoever it is, they're probably a Child of Destruction who resents Ilal's perfect world and wants to destroy it. At the moment, though, I'm not aware of anyone who hates Ilal enough to do this. Terna might be mad at them for wriggling the information about Yalir out of her, but Nevea already knew all that so Terna would have much more reason to despise her. I really can't think of anyone so far who doesn't like Ilal.

Thus, my official hypothesis at this point, 2.3, is that Yalir is a crazy zombie goddess who has unleashed her red magic onto Earth.

Awesome chapter! I can't wait to read more so that I can refine my probably terrible hypothesis.




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Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:01 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again SirLight! :D

Zombies <3

Just as Ilal’s eyes glimmer in satisfaction at the people who acted within expectation, Anam’s illusion - proto-Ilal, the purple entrance ring - vanished.

I think this got a touch wordy. I was confused the first time I read it through with what you meant by "proto-Ilal" (i'm still not 100% sure what that means to be honest....) but I get that Anam's purple entrance ring went away. I think that's all you need to say and that you could simplify the sentence a little bit. "....Anam's illusion, the purple entrance ring, vanished".
I like this as a transition though to take us from the relative calm of Ilal talking to the crowd to now when I feel like things are going to get more complicated.

Ignoring the baffled noise from Ilal’s worshipers, Anam and they flew down to the library’s right tower

Are the worshipers baffled because of what Ilal said or because they see the red smoke too? I would be curious to see a little more of what the crowd is actually doing - are they standing around looking shocked, are they praying, leaving, what? And do they see the smoke too?

Other than colour, it seemed like a magic by-product.

Why? How can they tell it's a product of magic?

And when they passed by it, they were shocked.

Can you show that they were shocked? Do they gasp? Do they recoil? Show what shock looks like for them.

These people moved as the farmer, unbalanced and hurried, running towards each other and -

The wording is a little funny here in my opinion. You mention these people and you mention the farmer, but I'm not sure who is unbalanced and hurried and who is running towards each other.

They had seen chaos and humans eating each other before - the happening were countless - and understood what drove them into doing such monstrosity, but this? This was beyond them, something they weren’t used to, and such, made them uncomfortable.

They've seen humans eating each other before but somehow this situation is worse? I'm going to need more explanation on that.

Ilal closed her eyes.

I thin, you want their not her, right?

Well this certainly got juicy! :D Zombies freak me out but I also kind of love zombie novels. Right now, the magic plus the zombies is working for me. I really was not expecting the plot to take this kind of turn but I loved it! It woke up the plot for me and now I know what the main plot thread is going to be, which is what I've been waiting for :)

The scene was pretty visual, but there are some places I think you could show a little more (I think I already mentioned them all up above). But you know what I'm going to say right? ;) Thoughts. Gimme all of the thoughts! I'm still having trouble connecting with your main characters, and I think part of that is I don't have a firm grasp on either of their personalities or what they're really like as gods. This will come with time as the novel progresses, but I want to know more about them - and not like their history and what they can do. That stuff is interesting, but I want to know what makes them, them.

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions/you know the drill :) I look forward to reading more to see where this is going to go next! :D




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Mon Feb 06, 2017 8:31 pm
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Wizard wrote a review...



*Rises from a fissure created in the earth

Hello, dear friend who happens to have a very distracting avatar! I believe it's time for a review, wouldn't you agree? (っ˘ڡ˘ς)

Step one, let's take a moment to safely drive home before sitting down for work. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRE4SXnsk3c

Next, now that we are comfortably in our residences, we may begin with the first critique.

Scenery! Scenery is awesome! Scenery is cool! It can help build powerful and emotional images in the mind of any reader, and is a useful tool for any writer. Unfortunately, this tool seems to have been left on the shelf in the process of writing this chapter, and the reader has no way to interpret the image that the author wants to convey to us. We don't know if it's day or night (I guessed day). We have no clue what the setting of the story is. Is it in a city with lots of buildings? A desert village with only a couple tall standing monuments? We really have no idea, and so the atmosphere which is intended to be set in this book is very weak as a result. Perhaps giving a couple hints about the weather, the biome, or even what the sky looks like on this planet would let us relate to the text more.

Now we come to a more difficult subject. Culture! Every society has one, and I doubt that this story is an exception. Showing off a custom or two of your fictitious civilization, or even giving an ordinary citizen an individual line can make fake people seem a lot more real. This is important because of what occurs in this chapter. When the horrid red gas scenario befalls the civilization, there is obviously supposed to be an emotional impact that goes along with it. People ripping each other's bodies to sheds is not a pleasant image. Unfortunately, because there is no hint at what these people are like, the reader may find it hard to place gravity upon the situation at hand, as it has becomes hard to care about these individuals due to their unreliability. This could have been a much more devastating scene with some proper context, but instead the reader finds little emotion within the pages. I realize that the focus of the story is not on the humans, but by forgetting them they have become blatant plot devices rather than something the reader cares about. Maybe I'm just a heartless son of a gun, though. I wouldn't know. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But enough with the negativity! I'm starting to feel like a bit of a jerk, here. Let's think positive.

What you have done well is develop your leading characters. We get a good feeling for their beliefs, their values, and their personalities. The reader is also presented some good moral dilemmas having to do with absolute power, the needs of the many/few, and much more! It's all quite interesting on an intellectual level, and a feeling of momentous decisions and grandeur is created quite well.

Overall, we have a very interesting story that would not at all be hurt by some more context and scenery. Plot is cool and all, but just slow down a moment and let the reader experience the world which you have created! I love the story, and I look forward to seeing more soon.

Cheers!
-Wizard

*Phases out through the shadow dimension




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Sun Feb 05, 2017 10:17 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Time for a reviewwwwww.

I really enjoyed reading how Ilal and Anam reacted to the carnage. The only thing I might suggest is to bring Ilal's emotional reaction in a little bit earlier. But I liked how they were shocked, but then quickly intervened effectively. And you used intense, emotional language very well - I was hooked.

However, I felt the beginning was rather choppy, with very formal, and sometimes clunky, sentences and word choice. (You also used dashes a lot, more than you usually do. As much as I love dashes, and as much as they really helped make the writing feel more natural in places, I think you could tone it down a little.) Once you got to the action, it actually felt a lot more emotion-laden and was easier to read, even though you say it was chaotic.

I honestly don't have too much to say about the plot, etc. of this part other than that it was great and I'm really looking forward to finding out what on earth happened. I especially like Ilal's ultimatum at the end - it's very revealing for their character, especially since they go straight to killing, not locking them up or something.

So I guess on I go to grammar/word choice stuff. :P

This was beyond them, something they weren’t used to, and such, made them uncomfortable.

I feel like "uncomfortable" is putting it mildly - also, phrases like "and such" feel very formal and diminish the emotion.

Ilal closed her eyes.

Pronoun slip - I've actually seen a few of them but forgotten to comment on it. Usually only once per chapter, though. The funny thing is that every time it happens you refer to them as "her" or "she," which mostly just amuses me because when I slip up when typing about them I accidentally say "him" or "he."

electric-covered

Electric is an adjective, not a noun, so electric-covered doesn't make sense. You could get away with "electricity-covered," but "coated with electricity" would probably sound better.

They teared each other part

Should be "They tore each other apart."

mere seconds

"Mere seconds" implies it should have happened for longer but didn't, which I doesn't really make sense since this is a flash of light.

And that's all I've got for this chapter! I eagerly await the next.




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! :3

Yeah, I wrote it wrong when I said my writing turned chaotic - it was really the situation that was chaotic. xD

Yeah, I actually imagine Ilal being a she in my mind because apparently my mind doesn't like to think what's a genderless creature looks like. ;-;

I'm glad you like what's happening here, I was kind of afraid the idea of something minor like a red gas can bore reader. Apparently you don't think so (now to find someone else to confirm majority of readers don't think it dull)! :D

Thanks for the nitpicks too, I suck at grammar. xD Keep up the good job! :D




Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi