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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I can tell this is raw, but maybe I'm biased from reading your replies to reviews. Here's what I would suggest to get deeper into this:
You have captured the gesture of a feeling with the third stanza: the upsweep and the down. The down is also paralleled in the shooting star of the last two stanzas, made especially human with that lingering moment, which feels to me like the hang time where momentum reverses itself so the object begins to fall after the rise. This gesture is strong and doesn't have to be isolated from the very strong opening you have. I could see something cracking open, shooting out and up and eventually coming back down.
Does it feel like you see the shooting star falling before you've started to fall? That it represents your future path and you cry because you see its tragic future but it just tells you it will be okay? Do you see yourself in the glory of what it was and the fleeting into darkness of what it is in this split second? Or did you see it as higher than yourself, and it was speaking down to you that it knew you would be okay? Do you think stars fall more than once?
I'd say go with your gestures. I'd say worry a little less about the literal connection to your emotion (which peeks out with the "had pushed herself harder/ than she was able to take") and try to evoke a tragic depth with these gestures when you are in a capable mood again.
PM me if you want to talk, have questions, or comments. And good luck! And thank you. c:
Siobhanoshea,
Can I suggest for the first stanza:
What I'm doing is I'm trying to make the words more immediate, more active and less clutter. The second stanza felt kind of weak in comparison, but it did pick up with the third stanza. I liked the image of the wind being able to pick her up, as though she were just so fragile and empty, but again, the poem could use some minimizing as other reviewers have mentioned. So, don't be afraid to rid your lines of "thats" and "hads" - and your "back" on that "come back down" line. Words like these, we use them so often in speech, but they don't really mean anything and they take up precious space in poetry!
That being said, you are expressing an experience with this, which I think is super cool, and I do think that some of the best poetry often comes from our own personal experiences. What brought me to this piece was the title - which I found curious and intriguing - and I just think that's such a cool concept that you can feel utterly down and broken and in the midst of soul-crushing defeat, but still be able to witness something so simple, so natural - and for something like that to leave a powerful effect on you - I think it's a beautiful concept, and I can empathize quite well, because I've experienced this a few times.
Okay. So, we're in agreement here, this is a mighty cool idea and it's just dying to be expressed - but how do we get the right words down on the page? How can you take an experience - something that is so personal and so intrinsic - something so emotional that never had words - and how can you put them to words, how can you make others feel?
The truth is, there's not necessarily a short-cut or trick for this. It's all about reading as much poetry - or as much of anything, really - as you can. Or even watching movies. The point here is to pay attention. Pay attention to what moves you. Pay attention to what writers or poets do with words to manipulate a reaction out of the reader. Reading and writing are made of the same stuff, so imagine, the more you expose yourself to these things, the more natural it's going to feel for you, the better you will get at it. But it's not just about reading poetry - write poetry! Write a lot of poetry! Keep rewriting this, and write other things, and keep experimenting. Write what you know, write what you like, write what excites you or makes you think or makes you question. Eventually, it's all going to add up.
Maybe you don't know exactly how to capture that moment on the page today, but one day, you will if you have the passion to keep trying for it.
Now, to keep this from being a motivational review, and to go back to being more instructive (as to my usual affairs) I'll leave you with one more cool tip that I picked up from somewhere amidst the abyss. And it is as simple as what we've learned in kindergarten. Sight, touch, smell, taste, sound.
These are our five senses and it is with these five senses that we were able to grow and develop and see the world, and feel the world, and hear the world, and learn. These five senses are the tools that help us take what is outside the world and bring it inside. In us. And it is with those five senses that our language, or any language in the world really, is based off of.
When you're trying to create a world then, or create an experience in which you want your readers to fall into and immerse themselves and forget that they are just reading words on a page - then think of the five senses, because that's how you're going to create an experience for your readers, because that's how we experience the world.
Forget about vague words like ok. Think instead in terms of what that experience feels like. Maybe it's a comforting warmth that envelops your skin, like the days you were just but a kid snuggled in your mother's arms. Maybe it's the heavy sound of the universe's silence, pierced by the star's rocketing blaze, like a needle would pierce a balloon, and the aftermath vibrations crackling in your ears, trembling in your bones. Maybe it's the blinding light - so white, so pure - you forget to oblivion.
Hope this rant is of some help. I've enjoyed this poem a great deal for its ideas and ambition. I hope to see more of your writing!
~ as always, Audy
Thank you for spending so much of your time trying to help me! I know I have a lot of work to do with this. It was written while I was having a panic attack and you aren't really conscious or present during those. So it is very difficult to recreate thoughts from one, because they aren't logical and can't be produced by your brain under normal healthy circumstances. I just need to spend a lot more time with it though, and I know I can get closer.
Thank you again,
Siobhan
Hey Siobhan!
Interestingly, my favourite stanza was the first one, and my least favourite one was the last one. The first one made me feel like there was something really cool coming up - but don't get me wrong, I did quite like this poem anyway! But it felt like it slowly regressed towards the end like descending stairs. So it was a bit disappointing end compared to the nice beginning!
I agree with Firestarter in that poems can usually well do without so many words. It's better and more compact if you can express something with fewer words, and if you take out or fuse some of them together, the meaning is hardly ever lost. So, less is more!
I also have to say that I'm really not a fan of something as mundane a word as "ok" when it comes to a poem. It's one of the least expressive words there are, so I'd be a bit careful about using it or similar ones.
However, I think what you have here is a good start. Do some experiments and you'll shine like a star!
Demeter
x
Thank you!
I was writing about some really mixed up emotions and experiences, and wrote it during what you could call a complete nervous breakdown.
It's been tough trying to work out what I'm expressing in this, which is primarily why I posted it so rough.
Thank you for your comment, I think I now have some idea where to start the editing process!
Hey siobhanshea!
I thought the opening of this was incredibly promising. The first three lines suggested a work of maturity.
If I could suggest a change to the start, it would be to tighten it up to something akin to this:
Poetry can be harsh on loose and superfluous words. Every word has to pull its weight. I think what I've done helps you say more with less.
Unfortunately, I thought the other stanzas weren't up to the interesting open premise. For example, you started by saying the night cracked back open, but you give us no other context for this. How can I understand how the narrator needs to look at the inside of themselves if I have no idea why they are doing it, or what happened?
I'd prefer a poem that dug below the surface. This just scratches it: somebody is upset and they see a shooting star and they feel better. Nice sentiment, but I've summarised it in one line. I think you should be more ambitious. Try and say more. Attempt to show us why the narrator has to reflect on the inside of herself.
The opening lines really promised something special. I hope you can fulfil that potential with any draft.
Thank you, this is helpful.
I agree some of the lines had weird wording, I tried to keep with a syllable pattern of 10 7 7. A bit arbitrary, but I don't know, I picked it and wanted it.
This is really rough. I wasn't in my most stable state of mind writing this, I was mid-panic attack actually, on the first night of the week that ended me in therapy. And the shooting star bit actually occurred. It's cheesy and I never would have written it on my own, but it was something that made me need to write.
I don't really know where to go with it, I'm still trying to work it all out. That's why I posted it here. Thanks for helping me get an idea of what bits you think need work. It helps, a lot.