Suspend these thoughts
above my aching head
and leave me standing
with them hanging by a thread.
I opened my eyes
to see you perched there.
your heart hollowed out
and replaced with a stare.
Chase my tongue;
beat the words out of it.
If you don't like the sound
you can choose to forget.
But I won't lie.
My heart you retrieved
from the bottom of this emptiness,
even if you did deceive.
I will balance these thoughts
above my aching head
and watch you walk away
and leave us both for dead.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for your review, Sapphire, I do appreciate it.
Thanks for you comments and suggestions!
You didn't interpret it too badly. It's a complicated story where neither person is exactly innocent. I feel the line with the "retrieved' and 'decieved" was a bit forced. It sounds it. But most of it rings true in my head. Like forget and it. I've used them together many times, although they are not perfect rhymes, I think they work for the purpose.
As far as rhythm goes, I am a failure with rhythm. If it sounds good to me in my head, I roll with it. Which is why I am a poor person's poet. I write more for me than anyone else.
Hi! Saw your thread in the welcome forum so I'll say welcome back!
To the poem! I like it better the more I read it. I'm quite bad at interpreting poetry, which is unfair because I love it, so I may be completely wrong about the meaning. Has the narrator cheated on someone? (I thought they had because of the 'Chase my tongue' stanza.) Then again, the other person did 'deceive' so I'm not sure.
I've picked out sections that I think could be worked on to make it read even better first time.
This doesn't bother me too much, but 'hanging by a thread', although working with 'suspend these thoughts' and the rhyme, is a little over-used. I think you need a comma after 'head'.
You need a different type of punctuation after 'perched there'. Maybe a comma? I'm not keen on the word 'perched'. Obviously, that's just personal preference, but was it just a way of avoiding using 'sitting'? I kind of imagine the person slumped or slouched.
I like this stanza and didn't realise that 'it' and 'forget' don't fully rhyme. Maybe you could try the poem in free verse or with half-rhymes throughout?
This stanza's tricky. I like the simplicity of the first line. However the third line's too long. Then you've inverted the sentence beginning 'My heart' for the purpose of the rhyme but I think it would be better if you just said something like:
You set my heart free
from the cold emptiness,
even if you fooled me.
Obviously that's just an example, but the sentence reads naturally.
I think you could put a comma after 'walk away' then say 'leaving us both for dead' instead of 'and leave'. I liked the echo of your first stanza here.
Overall:
I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted badly! I think the main point to work on is rhythm - pick a set structure for each stanza. While the majority of the opening lines of stanzas are a little shorter, the rest of the lines tend to have six syllables, so you could work with that.
A few of the rhymes are forced, like the inverted sentence with 'retrieved and 'deceive'. With a little reworking, these will be easily sorted, along with a couple of minor punctuation points.
I think this poem has potential and hope this review helped!