"You think you know someone until they misguide you." I began explaining, tears dripping from my eyes like endless rain; as my voice sounded like nails scratching against a chalkboard. My black hair casting a dark shadow over what use to be a innocent face. But now it holds the colors of: black, purple, and blue. All because I made a fatal mistake. "Who would have thought that this would be all my fault. If I didn't bring him into my life, none of this would have ever happened." My sea blue eyes clamped shut, as my heart thumbed hard within my chest. I was trying to hold back every emotion I had, but instead I was letting it out.
"None of this is your fault Emily, you can't blame yourself. The only one you can blame is the one who did this." Detective Rebecca Stewart replied with a voice so pure, and innocent. A white cloth wiped at the clear lenses of her black framed glasses. Her green warm eyes staring at my broken figure, making me shift uncomfortably in my seat. My damp hoodie kept me cold; as the air coming out from the air duct falls over me. "Tell me what you remember Emily?" Her voice was traveling in and out of focus. As if it was a phantom calling out to me.
"What did you say?" I asked, not quite catching her words as they danced off her lips. My black painted nails dig into my palms; scratching at my ghostly, pale skin. My lips quivered while my teeth chattered. I kept my focus on my tattered converse shoes, trying to forget of the events that happened. Rebecca seemed like the person to understand, though the question remains...Is she even real? Days come and go, just like my mind. First I will be thinking of one thing, before everything changes into another. I wonder if this is the same situation.
"I said, tell me what happened." She repeated with a deep sigh, her eyes showing irritation. Her brown curls twist with question, her sun-kissed skin dazzling underneath the bright white lighting. Creating an angelic glow around her. I finally looked up, locking our gazes. Her painted red lips stretched out into a smirk while she waited. Then everything started to melt, like the shadows on the walls and the features of her face. Everything was going into another scene.
A few moments later, I found myself in a room of white: white walls, white chairs, sheets, beds, everything. I looked around and found that innocent face of Rebecca. "Huh? Where am I?" I gathered the courage to ask. I looked down finding that my clothes were replaced with a blue paper dress. My arms were hooked up to many different machines that monitored my life. I looked over to Rebecca, questions building up in my mind. "How did I get here?" I ask myself, thinking that this was my reality.
"You are in the hospital Emily...A 911 call got you here." I tried making sense of what she was saying, as I eyed her black stocking legs. Watching them cross. A pen tapped at her bottom lip, as her eyes glanced down at a pad of paper. "I bet you don't even remember what happened to you." She said, flipping through the scribbled notes.
"I-I..." I was lost for words, chocking on sentences that no longer made sense. I stared down at my broken body, feeling it ache and throb in pain. I let out a grunt, feeling the effects of these horrible pains. Rebecca watched me closely, making sure I made no action that may result of me hurting myself. I slowly closed my eyes, letting them open once more.
"HOLD HER STILL DAMNIT!" A man shouted, his chocolate brown eyes illuminating with anger. A syringe was held within his right hand, his left bandaged, as a blood stain added color to the white bandage. I laughed uncontrollably, my hair dripping with tears and sweat. I hugged myself tightly, as I wiggled and rolled around. A man with dark brown hair wrestled me down to the ground, as another with red hair aided him. The one with brown hair growled, as his hand held one of my arms, the other locking my neck to the ground. His amber color eyes glared down at me. I could see the anger upon his sculpted face, as if he was a art piece that expressed true anger. He was like a miniature Devil, red in the face and steam rising from his head. This was hell, and I know that for a fact.
"STICK THE DAMN THING IN HER ALREADY! I CAN'T HOLD HER DOWN FOREVER!" He snarled, the man with red hair looked down at me. Pity flooding within his eyes, his hold on me tightened as I turned my head to look over at him. "Don't have her fool you Drake. She is crazy." The one with brown hair said. Drake stared down at me, before turning his head to look away. I started to squirm and scream, pleading for all of this to stop. Then in a short time. The sharp end of the needle penetrated through my arm, a clear fluid was injected into my system.
My eyes twitched as they began feeling heavy. My body felt relaxed; before falling limp. Darkness got the upper hand upon me. "Take her to the examination room, we have to see what goes on in that head." His right pulled the syringe out of my arm, blood dripping onto the white cushioned floor. His black hair fell over his eyes, as he stared at my limp body with uncertainty. He then glared at the two men who just did the same. "Now!" He ordered, snapping the two out of their thoughts. Drake gathered my feet and the other my arms. They lifted me up from the floor, carrying me through the dim lit halls. Drake glances down at me every now and then, sadness clouding his eyes. His heart growing weak just by the sight of me. He seemed like the type of guy who would give anyone the comfort they would need to survive, the endless warmth that would bring a smile to anyone's face. He was a big teddy bear; just waiting to be hugged.
My skin pressed against the cold, metal table. My wrists bounded to the table, as well as my ankles. My eyes slowly fluttered open; only to be blinded by a bright white light. I screamed in agony as the straight edge of a scalpel sliced through my coat of skin. Crimson colors painted my pale skin, and my eyes moved to the back of my head. "SHUT HER UP!" A masculine voice shouted, then tape fell over my mouth. No one heard me, let alone found me. As the dissection process of my brain continued, I could barely lift a finger; let alone speak my mind. Moments later, I could feel my connection rip from my physical shell. The memories flashing before my eyes, making them spin. The thumping of my heart finishing it's last race before falling dead. Everything flew over my head, as darkness washed over me like a roaring wave. Ending the colors of the world, as I closed my eyes.
For twenty-eight years, I roam the halls of this abandoned building. Groaning and moaning in pain. My brain hangs out from my head, my eyes hanging by my black sockets. Blood paints my immortal being, and the smell of death moves with me. Each day, I would see people walk on by...then stop and stare. Their eyes would dilate with shock; while they see me staring right back. Then they would run, after seeing the illusion of what was once me. I will never forget the sinister smiles of the examiners and the poisonous kiss of Drake.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
I really like the story and the description mostly in the beggining was amazing. It was truley painting a picture in my head.
Hi...
This story seem interesting at first but it tried to be a eerie and I thought it was scary. Well, you can hide the fact that Emily is a ghost. Use interesting words to guide you. It'll be better if you know how to hide some fact from the readers to keep them asking to their self until they figured out that Emily is a ghost. Aside from that, use correct metaphor to make your story vivid. Overusing it could be a problem too. I hope this helped.
Hello, SinfullyGorgeous!
I’ll start off with your improvements.
1. You often slip from past to present tense and this affects the consistency. For example, in the first sentence you said “began”, but in the next it was “my black hair casting . . . . ”
2. Is there a specific reason for aligning the text in centre? If there isn’t, I’d suggest you to move it to left as it looks quite unprofessional.
3. Below, I’ll highlight the phrases which don’t make sense.
This raises the question: how can eyes grow irritated?
Here, I don’t understand the connection between Rebecca’s hair and the question she’s asking Emily.
4. I noticed a couple of mechanical (spellings, punctuation, and grammar) errors, but it’s nothing an edit can’t fix. Read your work out loud as it can help you in spotting the mistakes.
Coming on to the positive points, I found your plot intriguing. You did a good job in evoking a sense of thrill and underlying danger throughout the story. I loved your descriptions, especially the following sentence in the last paragraph.
They are simply words, yet they are veryeffective.
Well done, and keep writing!
Your story was really interesting, always keeping me on my toes. You gave good descriptions of the characters, but not in the way that makes the characters more interesting.
First of all, in the beginning when Emily is introduced to us, she talks about her blue eyes and dark hair. While it's nice to know what the character looks like, it's not really crucial right away. Instead of pointing out her looks on the outside, maybe point out one of her qualities that would make her a more interesting person to read about. Just remember that you don't have to give away what she looks like right away.
You also should work on the descriptions of other people in the story. Rather than just saying what color a person's hair was to identify them, you could describe something unique about their appearance, how their voice sounds, or even just some weird feeling that they give to Emily.
One last thing. In the sentence "I wilI never forget the sinister smiles of the examiners and the poisonous kiss of Drake" you spelt will with a capital I. Don't worry about it, we all make mistakes in our writing. Just remember to check your stories over for grammar mistakes and any types of plot holes.
Other than that, your story was really interesting to read. The ending was very haunting and left me wanting to know more about Emily's story. Keep up the good work and I hope this helped!
This was very intriguing. The last paragraph was the most haunting, even though the whole story had a scary, dark atmosphere to it. You did a really good job in the begging, by drawing the reader in. When I read it I could no stop out of curiosity, to find out what would happen to Emily.
But nothing is perfect, I did catch a few grammar errors and typos, I believe one is in the second to last paragraph. You wrought "SHUT HE UP" I think you meant shut her up. No biggie we all have done typos. In the last paragraph you wrought "...the smell of death moves wit me..." You forgot the h in with. I suggest reading your story aloud to yourself, when you do this you catch mistakes you would not reading in your head. I do this with most everything I write it really works!
In your story there a lot of simple deductions. As in his eye color, her skin tone, his hair color etc. I think you could make it even more interesting by giving better descriptions. For example telling the reader what Emily thinks of the person not by just looks, but by fist impression or personality. When giving outside description try to give more than skin, hair and eye colors.
Here is a simple example.
"Mr. Stern's squared chin rested in his large hands. His soft heart began to show again, threw his hard countenance."
Anyway I hope this was helpful, you are an excellent writer and I hope to read more soon!
-AdelVise-