That cold October,
when my life was nearly over,
The look, they laughed
They laughed as I was nearly run over.
The car stopped just in time,
I got up with tears streaming down my face,
They stared as I walked away,
as I thought "Why did I have to be born into the human race?"
I got home and put my bag on the floor,
I reached out for the knife waiting on my table,
The knife peirced through my skin,
and I bled and bled untill I was bearly able
Bearly able to stand,
I walked to bed and waited,
I waited for something to happen,
I was the 'Hated' one
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
That
was
interesting...
well
then
I
suppose
I
enjoyed
it
was
coherent
sorry
about
the
way
i
am
typing
I agree with Once Upon a Dream. The beginning story part was a good lead into he last part, but in the last part, the powerful emotions you were leading up to were not expressed enough. They were just... there, not expressed in a unique way, not instilling any intense emotion in the reader and not making a firm point.
Besides that, I also noticed some spelling issues and stuff like that.
Firstly, the 2nd line and the 4th line seemed off-rhythm and you use 'over' twice which bugged me. But I did like how you repeated 'they laughed'
Okay, you kind of change rhyme schemes here. The 1st stanza was AABA and this stanza is ABCB, so you might want to look into that. Also, the last line is really off-rhythm and a little long. You could replace it, 'Why must I be of the human race?' to make it shorter and closer to rhythm, but I'm leaving that up to you.
You use I to begin the 1st and 2nd lines. Perhaps you should say 'reaching out for the knife' instead if 'I reached out for the knife' I think you should omit the 'though' in the 3rd line so it just says 'the knife pierced the (my might work better here) skin'. Lastl, bearly should be barely in this situation.
Again, it should be barely. You use I three times here. Here's how I suggest you change it around:
I walked to bed and waited
Waited for something to happen
And then keep the I on the last line so it looks less repetitive. And you lose your rhyme scheme on this last stanza. I didn't think the ending was very powerful here, but I've mentioned all that above.
I suggest you work with this and it might have some potential. Please keep writing.
Yeah i'll go with what ''Once upon a dream" said and I think it doesn't quite belong in Lyric Poetry but better in Narrative Poetry but then ofcourse that's just me..
Otherwise its pretty good I especially like this Stanza
Oh yeah the repeated word "over" in this stanza well it makes it go a bit of rythem
Again otherwise its pretty good nice one..
The rhyme scheme sounds forced most of the time. I think this could also be made more emotional by expanding on your thoughts and the emotions you want to express. There's potential here, though.