Published January 31, 2009
One more step
and we'll be together.
One more step
and we'll hold hands.
One more step
and we'll love each other.
A step I can't take
because you're too good
to be real.
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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
it's simple and sweet!
cool...
if you feel it lacks power, change some of the words or tweek the scenario
but don't try to stretch it out.
a long poem isn't always agood poem.
if anything, a long bad poem is worst than a short one.
because it's all the more suffering for the reader.
it's bad for the writer because it never gets comepletly read.
I have a lot of good ways to improve this poem, but I'm not you so I have no right,
but hopefully you understand whatI'm suggesting...
a few words can go a long way, and a stronger vocabulary makes emotion relevent.
that is my advice to you.
I'll leave all of the grammatical stuff to the rest of the readers.
I really liked this. Its short and simple and gets right to the point.
I agree with Evi and you should move the ands to the next line. Just to make it flow a little better. I liked it and good luck writing!
hey, I really liked this, a little corny, but short, sweet, simple, and to the point.
I agree with what Evi said, you need to put all your "and's" on the next line. For some reason it feels a little anti-climatic if you don't.
And also, I'm not a bog fan of the "'cause", I think you need to make it "because"
Over all, good work!
Keep on writing!
Hi! First of all, I rated your work G. So now it has a chance to be on the front page and seen by hundreds of people an hour. Cool, no?
Anyway, this is totally anticlimactic:
A step I can't take
'cause you're too good
to be real.
I mean, out of all the possible reasons, this one? That's lame! You need more drama and stuff, otherwise it doesn't feel like the poem is substantial. I mean, you set it up to look like a perfect romance, but then you blow it off, so the narrator appears to be an insecure jerk, which I don't think you want the narrator to seem like! So is there any other conflict besides this that makes you feel that the romance is too perfect? By describing this, it will give the narrator more credibility and we'll be able to sympathize with him more.
Anyway, hope this helps!
So! We don't have much to work with here, do we? It's short and sweet. I don't think that's a bad thing; in fact, lengthening it would, in my opinion, ruin it.
I think that you should bring all the 'ands' down to the next line. So, it would look like this--
One more step
and we'll be together.
One more step
and we'll hold hands.
One more step
and we'll love each other.
I just think it flows better and is a tiny bit smoother to the eye. No reason really, and it's not a big thing at all, but just a suggestion.
Also, on the third line, consider:
One more step
and we can hold hands.
Instead of 'and we'll hold hands'. The repitition of 'we'll' could be changed up a little.
I liked it. Simple, but with a good message that's easily relatable. Good luck!
~Evi