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24 Hours [January short story]

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Dakota usually appreciated Danny’s advice. He was Dakota’s most trusted knight, of course.

His advice was impeccable for whatever difficult situation he was faced with. When his princely duties came up with some task that was so convoluted Dakota didn’t even know where to start, Danny was the one who helped him breathe.

Right now though, he was only confusing him more.

“You need to loosen up,” he said, leaning into Dakota’s personal space so he could hear him over the chatter. He slid Dakota’s glass across the table, closer to where his hand rested.

“I am perfectly loose,” Dakota hissed. “I don’t see what my disposition has anything to do with the financial plans for next month.”

“Dakota, we’re at a party,” Danny said, the corner of his mouth curling up. “Relax a little, will you?”

“You’re my advisor,” Dakota said. “I need your advice.”

“Yeah, and my advice is to chill out. Worry about the plans in the morning. Right now, just try to have some fun.”

Dakota huffed and stared at the table. Danny leaned closer, their shoulders brushing. He was always more touchy when Dakota’s father wasn’t around. At least he had some sense.

“Look, why don’t you go find someone to dance with? There’s a pretty girl over there, I’m sure she’d appreciate the prince trying to-”

“Danny. I told you not to try and play matchmaker with me,” Dakota grumbled. Danny raised an eyebrow at him.

“Sure, but it might do you some good. Maybe if you fell in love you wouldn’t be so uptight all the time.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Dakota said, resting his chin on his hand. He looked away, hoping he’d get the message and leave him alone. Danny always tried to do this whenever they attended parties. Dakota was starting to get sick of it.

He picked at the grains on the table for a few minutes, trying to zone out the chatter of conversation around him. The chair on his left was empty, his father away on a visit to the next kingdom over. Danny sat on his right, chatting with one of the other knights. This feast was in his honor for returning safely from a quest. Dakota didn’t really know the details; Danny was in charge of those things.

Danny’s chair squeaked against the floor as he stood up.

“A toast!” he called, and the room quieted down. “To Sir Adam, for his bravery and endurance. May he remain a hero!”

The room cheered. Dakota raised his glass halfheartedly. Danny resumed his seat, his face glowing. From the attention or the wine, Dakota couldn’t tell.

He set his glass back down without drinking, thinking he might excuse himself and go to bed early. Parties were never really his thing. The noise strained his patience. His ears were starting to ring.

He switched his gaze to his glass, where his wine was rippling. The ringing grew louder, almost like a distant scream. Was he going to faint?

The wine sloshed like the table was shaking, but it was motionless underneath his hands. The chatter around him faded out, until all he could hear was the faraway screaming.

His wine glass burst, spraying shards in every direction. He jolted back, shielding his face with his arms. The conversation hushed.

“Dakota? You okay?” Danny said. Dakota lowered his arms, his heart racing. All eyes were on him.

He cleared his throat. “I’m f-”

Something slammed into him, knocking his chair over backwards. He hit the ground with a crash, his head knocking against the ground. Cold hands closed around his throat.

“YOU!” someone screeched. He blinked the stars out of his eyes. A gnarled old face appeared above him, twisted in an ugly snarl. They looked more like a tree than a human.”YOU’LL PAY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE!”

Dakota didn’t have time to blink before they were gone, replaced by Danny’s foot. They tumbled sideways, letting out a horrid screech.

“Are you okay?” Danny said, offering him a hand. Dakota took it and he pulled him to his feet.

“BOTH OF YOU ARE SINNERS!” the hag screeched, pointing a crooked finger at them. “YOU’LL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!”

“Arrest her!” Dakota commanded. The hag muttered something under her breath and disappeared in a poof of smoke.

“Search the grounds. See how she got in,” Danny ordered the handful of knights who’d pulled their swords. They ran off after a handful of “yes sir”s.

Danny placed a hand on Dakota’s arm. “Are you okay?”

Dakota rubbed his neck where her cold hands had been. “I’m fine.”

“I won’t rest until she’s arrested,” he said. Dakota turned away.

“I don’t think you’ll find her.”

He began walking away. Danny ran to catch up with him. He waited until they were in a quiet corridor before pulling Dakota around.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I- yes. I want to turn in for the night. Can you leave me be?”

“No. I can’t. You were just attacked out of nowhere. I can’t just leave you unguarded.”

Dakota sighed and rubbed his temples. His head ached. Danny reached up and grabbed one of his hands.

“You don’t have to pretend to be okay around me,” he said gently. Dakota reluctantly met his eyes.

“She said we’d both pay. You’ve certainly done nothing, and I’ve never seen her before. What could she have done?”

“It’s a witch. You know how unpredictable they are. I’ll send for a cursebreaker tomorrow to double-check.”

Dakota sighed, feeling a little relieved. As long as Danny was around, he could breathe.

He tried to let go of his hand, but nothing happened.

“Danny,” he said, exasperated. He tugged on his hand to make him let go. Danny continued to grasp his fingers. “Danny. Let go.”

“I... I can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

Danny pulled on their clasped hands. “I mean, I can’t. It’s stuck.”

Dakota stared at him in confusion. He tugged on his hand, struggling to pry out of his grasp. Danny tugged too, but their hands remained stuck together.

Dakota tried to swallow the panic rising in his throat. He dug his heels into the floor and pulled, but their hands didn’t budge an inch.

He dropped his hand after a few moments of useless struggling. “This can’t be happening.”

8:17 a.m.

Nine hours stuck together.

A sharp rapping pierced through the silence in his mind.

Dakota groaned and pulled his pillow closer, squishing it on top of his head.

“Come in,” a familiar voice called, groggy with sleep. Dakota peeked out from under his pillow, disoriented and confused.

“Sirs, the cursebreaker is here.”

“Thank you,” the voice said. The door closed with a click. Dakota raised his head.

He was lying in his bed, still dressed in his party attire. He felt gross and sticky, but more importantly, he wasn’t alone.

“Danny?” he mumbled, voice thick with sleep.

“Good morning, your highness,” Danny said, the corner of his mouth pulled up into a smirk. Dakota glowered at him.

“Why are you in my bed?”

“I think the more important question is: why are our hands still stuck together?” Danny said, waving their linked hands around.

The events of last night came flooding back. Dakota groaned. He covered his face with the crook of his free arm.

“This is absolutely mortifying.”

“It could be worse,” Danny said, voice as light as if they were talking about the weather. “This doesn’t harm either of us.”

Dakota lowered his arm to glare at him. “This absolutely harms both of us. My father is coming home today.”

The smile fell off Danny’s face, but it returned a moment later. “The cursebreaker is here. There’s nothing to worry about.”

Dakota continued to stare at him. How could he be so calm about this? In fact, he seemed almost cheerful.

“I don’t understand how you can be so chipper,” Dakota said. Danny shrugged, still smiling like a doofus.

“It’s hard to be serious when you have such an intense bedhead.”

Dakota’s face grew hot. “That’s not something to laugh over!”

Danny snickered and held up his free hand. “Sorry, your highness.”

Dakota ran his fingers through his hair while Danny sat up.

“Your bed is much more comfortable than mine. I wouldn’t mind if our hands got stuck together more if it meant I could sleep here more often.”

“This isn’t something to joke about!” Dakota said. Danny glanced at him, fighting a smile.

“Why so upset, Dakota? I’ve done worse things than share a bed with you.”

Dakota spluttered, his face feeling hot. “You’re invading my privacy.” Danny raised an eyebrow at him. “What?!”

“Remember that one time? With the bog witch?” he said. A dark pit of horror opened in Dakota’s stomach, draining all his blood out of his head.

“We swore never to speak of that again,” he hissed through his teeth. Danny shrugged, looking innocent.

“I’m just saying. After that, there’s no point being modest with each other.”

Dakota’s nostrils flared. “Forget it. Let’s just go talk to this cursebreaker.”

Danny shrugged, still grinning. “Whatever you say, my prince.”

“Shut up.”

9:03 a.m.

Ten hours stuck together.

The cursebreaker stood up when they walked in.

“Prince Dakota, sir.” They bowed. “It’s an honor.”

Dakota studied him. He was a young man, with short brown hair. His outfit was simple, but elegant. Probably the best he could afford.

He straightened up after a moment of silence. His eyes flickered to their linked hands. “Ah... I was told what happened. Have you caught the witch responsible?”

“Not yet,” Danny said. “She uses magic to elude our search parties.”

“Witches can be hard to catch,” the cursebreaker said, turning to his bag. He dug through it and pulled out a large book. “I wish you luck in finding her.”

“Enough small talk. Can you break this curse or not?” Dakota snapped. Danny tugged on his hand. When he glanced at him, he raised an eyebrow. Dakota scowled at him.

“I’ll try my best, sir. Curses can be hard to crack by someone who isn’t the original spellcaster.” He placed the book on the table and flipped a few pages.

“Have you not seen anything like this before?” Danny wondered. He glanced up at the two of them, pushing his giant glasses farther up his nose.

“Um... well, you see... I’m actually only the cursebreaker’s apprentice. My mentor is out sick today.”

“So you don’t know what you’re doing,” Dakota stated flatly. The boy’s face flushed pink.

“Well... I’ve seen my mentor at work. As far as I know, a spell like this isn’t that complicated.”

Danny squeezed his hand. Dakota glanced up at him, and he gave him a reassuring smile. It didn’t improve his mood.

The boy flipped a few more pages and then stopped. “Aha! Okay. May I see your hands, please?”

He held out his hand. Dakota didn’t move, but Danny lifted their linked hands without much hesitation. The boy pushed up his glasses and recited a spell. The air hummed with magic.

He finished after a minute or two. Danny and Dakota glanced at each other.

Dakota tried to pull his hand from his, but nothing happened.

“It didn’t work,” he told the boy. He frowned at his book.

“This looks like it should be it... unless...”

“I steal food from the kitchen when no one’s looking,” Danny blurted out. They both stared at him. He looked confused, and then his eyes widened. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“Oh!” the boy said, punching his fist. “I get it. This is a stopwatch spell.”

“A what?” Dakota said. The boy was smiling, but then seemed to remember who he was talking to. He frowned.

“Um... A stopwatch spell can’t be broken by an outsider. It’s running on its own clock, and will break when times runs out. Or when the conditions of the curse are met.”

“And how long is this clock?” Dakota said.

The boy rubbed his chin. “It could be anywhere from a few hours to a few months.”

Dakota slammed his hand on the table. “I can’t wait a few months!”

The boy looked at him with wide eyes. Danny placed his free hand on Dakota’s shoulder.

“Thank you for trying,” he said. “Is there anything else we can do?”

The boy gave Dakota a fearful glance. “Um... You can try to figure out the conditions of the curse. The witch probably wanted you to do something. If the conditions are completed, the curse will break.”

“The witch wanted me dead,” Dakota snapped. “I let my dog eat important paperwork I don’t want to do.”

He clapped a hand over his mouth.

“How long are we going to be blurting secrets?” Danny wondered.

The boy gave Dakota another fearful glance, like he was afraid he’d have him executed for giving him bad news. “I don’t know. Probably until the curse breaks.”

Dakota rubbed his face with his free hand. He wanted to die.

“Thanks for your help. If there’s nothing else you can do, you’re dismissed,” Danny said.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do better,” the boy said, bowing his head. He started collecting up his things.

When the door closed behind him, Danny turned to Dakota.

“What are we going to do now?” Dakota grumbled. “I can’t face my father like this.”

“We could elope,” Danny said. Dakota glared at him through his fingers.

“Not funny.”

Danny shrugged. “It was just a suggestion.”

There was silence for several moments, and then: “I can never remember the difference between a mole and a weasel and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.”

Dakota fought down a smile. “Your secrets are dumb.”

9:30 p.m.

Twenty-two hours stuck together.

“He’s coming!”

“Everyone, to your places!”

Dakota inched a step farther in front of Danny, their linked hands hidden behind his back. If he could greet his father without turning around, they’d be in the clear. Hopefully his father wouldn’t question his arm tucked behind his back.

Danny squeezed his hand. He kept doing that, but it wasn’t exactly calming if Dakota couldn’t pull away. It’d been so long since he’d moved his fingers, he could barely feel them anymore.

All day had just been struggling to complete basic tasks with only his left arm. It had taken him forever just to change—with his arm attached to Danny’s, he couldn’t get his shirt off. He’d gotten so frustrated that Danny had grabbed the nearest sharp object and cut him out of it. (Of course, this meant he couldn’t get a shirt on, either. They had to call a seamstress just to sew some fabric onto him.)

Needless to say, his nerves were feeling a little fried. More than anything he just wanted some time alone. And maybe the use of his right arm back.

He was brought out of his thoughts by the front doors opening. His father’s bodyguards held them open and a familiar figure strode through.

“Welcome back, your majesty,” the head servant said, bowing deeply. King James’ eyes scanned the faces until they landed on Dakota.

“Welcome back, father,” Dakota said, forcing a light tone. “How was your journey?”

“I’ll tell you over dinner,” his father said, waving him off. His gaze moved behind him. “Daniel?”

Danny’s grip on his hand tightened. “Yes, your majesty?”

“All was well while I was away?”

Danny’s expression was calm. “Yes sir. Although, Dakota and I have managed to-”

Dakota broke out into a loud coughing fit. Danny leaned closer. “Are you all right?”

Dakota glanced at him. Danny mouthed thank you at him. “Um... yes. My throat’s a little dry, that’s all.”

“What were you saying, Daniel?” King James said. Danny straightened up to face the king.

“Oh, it was nothing of importance.”

King James eyed him for a moment. He seemed to deem it unimportant, because he turned to leave.

“I’ll talk to you at dinner.”

“See you there, father,” Dakota said cheerfully. He plastered a smile on his face until his father left the room.

“I can’t believe I almost spilled it right away,” Danny said, smacking himself in the forehead.

“This is a problem,” Dakota agreed. “Who knows what one of us could say to him as long as we’re still blurting secrets?”

“How are we going to get through dinner?”

“We’ll need to cause distractions for each other,” Dakota said, frowning at the floor. “Maybe we can leave early if I pretend to be ill.”

Danny rubbed his temples with his free hand. “Let’s hope.”

10:10 p.m.

Twenty-three hours stuck together.

Danny and Dakota were already seated when King James walked in. Their clasped hands were safely tucked under the table, out of view. Still, Dakota’s heart raced with nerves as his father took his seat next to him.

They were all silent as the servants set the table. Dakota tried not to bounce his leg, but he was feeling jittery with anxiety.

“Tell me about your journey, father,” he said, forcing a relaxed tone. King James frowned at his plate.

“It was long and uninteresting,” he said. “Our neighboring king manages to make even the most fascinating subjects boring.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Dakota said. “When I was younger, I wrote a love letter to his so-”

There was a loud clang next to him. Danny cursed and picked up his goblet from where he’d knocked it over. He gestured for a servant, who ran over with a napkin. They began mopping up the spilled wine.

“I’m afraid I might’ve ruined your tablecloth,” he told King James. He waved him off.

“Accidents happen,” he said, absorbed in his food. Dakota breathed a small sigh of relief.

Thank you, he mouthed at Danny. Danny made a vague series of gestures that possibly meant Hurry up.

Dakota quickly scarfed down his food. After a few minutes he sat back in his chair.

“I’m afraid I must excuse myself early. I’m feeling a bit ill,” he said.

“I’ll escort you to your quarters,” Danny said immediately. They stood up in unison. King James didn’t notice or care.

Dakota relaxed a fraction as soon as they left the room.

“I don’t think I can take much more of this,” he said, rubbing his temple with his free hand. Danny swung their linked hands.

“That could’ve gone worse. I don’t think your father suspects anything.”

“But how long can we keep this up?” Dakota said. “The cursebreaker’s apprentice said it could be months.”

“Or a few hours. We’ll just have to wait and see, and we’ll deal with it as it comes,” Danny said. They paused outside Dakota’s room.

“How do you always know what to tell me?” Dakota wondered. Danny shrugged.

“I don’t. I just say the first thing that comes to mind.”

“I think you’d be a better prince than me,” Dakota muttered to the floor. Danny tilted his chin up with his free hand.

“I’m only here because of you, Dakota. I’m only what you need me to be. I’d be a clueless prince because I wouldn’t have you to follow.”

Dakota gave him a small smile. “Thank you.”

Feeling returned to his arm. Danny’s grip on his hand loosened. They both moved at once, yanking their hands apart.

“Thank god,” Dakota said, shaking his hand out. Danny wiped his hand on his pants.

“No offense; I love you, but I am not holding your hand again for a long time.”

[END]

Comments & reviews · 3
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Carina
Review
Carina wrote a review · Sat Jun 09, 2018 11:14 pm

Heyyo! I actually saw @Tenyo's status about this piece and thought I'd give this a read. And I'm glad I did. It was a fun, light, and enjoyable read. <3

My review will pretty much echo Tenyo's review, but I thought I'd also bring up specifics. There were some scenes that were dialogue heavy, but I only noticed that maybe...two, three times? The rest of the dialogue scenes were balanced with sensory details or thoughts. But! That's not it; I noticed that there were a couple action scenes that were too action-heavy and lacked supporting details. By action, I mean sentences like, "Danny did [this], and Danny did [that]," without the sensory details like, "the room smelled like honeysuckles" or something, lol.

Here is an example (there were many!) of what I think is a good "action" scene that mixes the details pretty well, which results in a nice, natural flow of words:

He was lying in his bed, still dressed in his party attire. He felt gross and sticky, but more importantly, he wasn’t alone.

It tells four things without saying it directly in a blunt manner: Dakota was laying in bed, he was still wearing the clothes from yesterday, he wasn't alone, and he felt gross. Compare this to the next quote, which also tells four things: Dakota was walking away, Danny ran up to him, they were quiet, and they spoke in private.
He began walking away. Danny ran to catch up with him. He waited until they were in a quiet corridor before pulling Dakota around.


It's the little details like the first quote that make a story come to life, engulfing the reader into the story. For the most part, this was done nicely, so good job! :D

The best part of this story, however, would be the dialogue. Gosh, it was so amusing. I loved Dakota's "I hate everything" personality that mixed with Danny's "just chillin' and makin' jokes" personality. The comedy genre certainly checks out. Overall, it was nicely done. :) I also lol'ed at these lines:
There was silence for several moments, and then: “I can never remember the difference between a mole and a weasel and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.”

Dakota fought down a smile. “Your secrets are dumb.”


Pfffft. xD

One last piece of critique that comes to mind is with the hag and the curse. I felt like the scene with the hag was a bit rushed, and it seemed like Dakota was disturbed by her appearance, but I didn't really catch those vibes earlier on. So perhaps adding creepy sensory details about her looks, smell, etc would help. Or adding a few sentences about what Dakota was thinking or feeling. Was his heart racing? Did he have a moment of sheer panic? Did he get an adrenaline rush? Stuff like that. Also, I think the whole blurting secrets part of the curse could be better explained, but it only legit just need a sentence from the curse breaker boy saying it was a side-effect or something. Just an FYI, since I was caught off guard by this addition.

Anyways, that's all the critique I have! Honestly, I'm glad I read this piece; it was such a fun and light read! I agree that the ending is perfect as is. I also thought that there would be some kind of romantic scene of the end, and there kiiiind of was, but it was subtle and not in-you-face, which suits the story well. Well done.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading more of your monthly short stories! :)

Thank you for the review! I'm glad to hear the dialogue was good! That's what comes the most naturally to me when writing.
I agree with you on my sentence flow and the pacing--that's something I struggle with. I'll try to be better in the future :)

Yay! That's good. And sentence flow is definitely a common problem that a lot of writers struggle with, so you're not alone. It just takes practice, which you are already doing by writing a short story every month. :)

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Lives4Christ24
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Salutations, Lives is here for yet another review. I hope I don't offend anyone with my reviews, my only intent is to edify other writers by encouraging them and offering constructive criticism. I agreed with Tenyo that the title should be changed. I read this a week ago, but I don't remember why I didn't review it. I was confused what the title meant and I wasn't sure what to expect. I really like the story though.

User avatar
Tenyo
Review
Tenyo wrote a review · Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:43 am

Hi SimpleBicycle!

This made me laugh so hard. Why has this been buried at the bottom of the green room for a week? I think it could do with a different title perhaps. 24 Hours sounds really blunt and serious, and although it's thematic to the piece it doesn't really capture the quirkiness or delight of it. The [January Short Story] addition also doesn't help much.

This piece is so much fun to read. I love the characters and their interactions, the bond they have really comes through despite the difference in their personalities. I also particularly like the impracticality of the curse in such a rigid and formal environment, you've written it really well so that those underlying themes come across whilst still keeping it light hearted. The style is simple but still very well written.

It gets a bit dialogue heavy at times, especially the parts where there are successions of five or six one-line paragraphs. There isn't a huge amount of environmental description in this piece so you could balance the two out by allowing the characters to interact with the environment. In such a quirky story you could easily carry some of those peculiarities outward into the setting.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It's really light and fun. I was quite caught up in the mystery of whether there would be some cheesy romantic intonation between the two in which at the end they chose to stay holding hands, or if they would just be glad to be separated, and I think the separation actually makes it even better. There are several changes in the dynamics and the ending rounded it all off brilliantly.

Thank you for posting =]

Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it! I'll try to add more description in the future--I tend to get carried away with the dialogue haha.
The title IS a bit confusing, I apologize. I've been naming my monthly short stories with whatever first pops into my head XD



Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist