Untitled part 1

Hey! Well, I agree with those that who have posted before me… but, I’ll try to be as helpful as possible with this review. This story is confusing and seems kind of random, this review is probably not going to help you with that, but I hope that it can get you started with being able to edit and make this story that much easier to read. It’s up to you to write it so it doesn’t seem to be so random.

I copied and pasted the story in here and edited the best I could. My comments are bold and in parenthesis.

Hi my name is Emily and I am 16 (sixteen, you should also spell out numbers smaller then 100) years old. I want to tell you about something amazing that happened to me last year in 9th grade. (new paragraph))t was a cloudy morning like usual in Kentucky. I knew today (wrong tense, try saying something like this: I knew that that day wasn't going to be a good day for me because every time I did one thing, something bad always happened.) [s]wasn't going to be a good day for me because everything I did turned out to be bad[/s].[s] For example[/s] (this is confusing... is this part of the story that you want to talk about?If so, you have the wrong tense again, see above) today I was making cereal. [s]You think how can anyone mess up cold cereal[/s].(try saying something like this: I know what you're thinking, how can anyone mess up cereal, right? Well, I can say that I'm one of the few that can't even make a bowl of cereal without making a mess [s]But I sure did[/s]. I spilled all of the cereal out of the box and spilled the milk. I was thinking "can this day get any worse?"(this should only be italized, quotation marks are only used for when characters are speaking) But it did. [s]I lost my lunch money I lost my all my homework for every class and I missed the bus.[/s] (Try: That day, I lost my lunch money, forgot my homework for my classes and if that wasn't enough I missed the bus) So, I had to stand in the pouring rain for a half hour (waiting) for my dad to pick me up. When iI got home I said to dad, "Today was the worst day ever."

(new paragraph)"You said that yesterday. What happened this time?" Dad asked

(When a new character starts talking you always start a new paragraph)"Well I lost all of my homework for my classes. Then I lost my lunch money. Then I missed the bus." I replied. [s]When we got home I was relieved that I didn't have to suffer through this day again.[/s] (You said up there that she was already home)

(when you start a new scene you need to start a new paragraph)The next day was a lot better. (no period connect these two paragraphs with a semicolon) I made a new friend named Jerry. He is really cool. (add a ,but to this so it looks like this: He is really cool, but I think he likes me)I think he likes me [s]though[/s].

(double space in order to get a space between paragraphs)I hope (this is still supposed to be in the past, right? If so this should be changed to I hoped) we could be more than friends one day but I don't didn't want to rush into things just yet.

(new paragraph)[s]When I saw him in the hallway I said, "Hey Jerry what is up?"[/s](this sentence is awkward, try rephrasing it: When I saw him in the hallway on my way to class I made sure to acknowledge him, "Hey Jerry, what's up?"

[b](new paragraph)"Nothing much. how about you?" Jerry replied (not a logical answer, if this is occurring at school wouldn't he be heading to class?)b]

[b](new paragraph)"Me neither. Are you signing up for the talent show?" I said. (same problem as above. Also, what's this talent show? You need to explain this to your readers, right now, it just seems kind of random.)

(new paragraph)" I don't know yet. Are you?" Jerry[s] said.[/s] (asked)

(new paragraph)"No way. I have no talent." I replied.

(new paragraph)"Come on Emily you do to have some kind of talent in you somewhere." (add something about Jerry here) [s] Suddenly I heard something fall so I ran to see what it was. It was a guy that collapsed on the ground. Someone said he wasn't breathing. So I started CPR on him to try to get him to breathe. When I saw him gasp for air I knew he was going to be ok. One peson said, "Wow that was amazing! Where did you learn CPR from?"[/s] (this whole thing doesn't make any sense at all, it seems kind of random really... I suggest that you reread this and rewrite it. You need more detail and a better transition between Emily's and Jerry's conversation and the sudden collapse of the man.. instead of hearing him fall, why don't you have her hear the surprised gasps as he suddenly collapses?)

(new paragraph)"A friend of mine."I replied.


(new paragraph)When I saw the man trying to get up I asked him, "What happened sir?" (awkward sentence: try rephrasing: After a few seconds, the man tried to sit up, that's when I asked him, "What happened?"

[b](new paragraph)[s]"I don't know. I don't even know where I am." He replied [/s] (try adding some description of the man here, like have him say: "I don't know" he started as he looked around, a very confused look on his face, before he glanced at me again, "I don't even know where I am." he said.)

(new paragraph)[s]When the paramedics arrived they took the guy to the hospital. Then this kid came up to me and said, "Thanks for saving my father." Then I said, "Oh no problem. Well I have to go."[/s]

(again, weird paragraph, try: The paramedics arrived soon after that and took the poor man to the hospital. I could only hope that they would be able to figure out why he had suddenly fainted, since the man didn't seem to have a clue. I was watching the paramedics leave with the man, when a boy I didn't know came up to me and said, "Thanks for saving my father"( if you still want this to happen, Emily has got to have a more realistic response, she should be really surprised that she just saved one of her classmate's fathers' lives.)

(new paragraph) When I started to walk away Jerry ran up to me and said, "See you do have a talent."

(new paragraph) "Yeah, what is it then?" I asked.

(new paragraph) "Saving people's lives." Jerry said. He was kind of right. i(I) saved [s]that guy's life right there on the spot. I was excited but I then thought I still have no talent to enter the talent show with.[/s] (this is just weird, I suggest you either reword it or take it out altogether)

(yet again, a new scene equals a new paragraph) [s]When school was finally over I was happy. This time I didn't miss the bus, I got there right on time. I told my parents what I did today. They were amazed that I could do that kind of thing. I knew it all along. I knew them CPR lessons would pay off someday.[/s] (this whole last part seems rushed…)

Hehe, well, Crysi doesn't know where to start, so in a way I'll finish her post.

Consider buying or finding these books at your local library:

Writing Fiction by Gotham Writers Workshop
Characters, Emotion and Viewpoint by Nancy Kress

In general if you go to Amazon and search "Writing Fiction" you'll find a lot of helpful books (the first is 2nd on the list, and the second is a few down).

Also the internet is a great place for things:

About: Basic Plot
Fiction Factor - This site is full of writing tips. I use it a lot when I am starting a project to get my thoughts going, but it might be good for you if you wandered around a while. ^_^ I did that a lot when I started writing.

I had a more specific article that summarized how to write fiction, only I cannot find it any more? But if you google "writing" or "writing fiction" you'll find a lot. [Also, Google hates me now. They look down upon the use of google as a verb i.e. to google.]

1. Double-space between your paragraphs so it's not so clumped together.

2. Double-check your spelling and punctuation.

3. This sounds more like a journal entry than a story. In fact, I'm sure I could pull out my old journal entries from middle school and at least the first half would be nearly identical. Readers don't want to read middle school journal entries. You rush it far too quickly. Why should we care? You need to make us care.

I just... honestly don't know where to start with this. It has no plot, no interest, no value. No description, poor dialogue, no character development. You need to practice actually developing the story, fleshing it out.

Better luck next time.

i ment to say it has to be i was not iwas