The Night

4uiwouldie wrote:omg ayra + monki why r u so mean? those are bad reviews and they will hurt gothfirls feellings this is actualy an amazin poem guys why u so mean?????????????????????????????????

gothgirl01 wrote:Night to me is scary This is a pretty weak line... and night being scary even just sounds like a preschooler. After studying this for a bit, I realized you might mean night as a metaphor for depression or something, in which case this is a very bad line for something like that and especially for helping the reader understand that it's a metaphor.
Night isn't very nice This line sounds even more like a preschooler's poem, at least change it to something more powerful like "the night is evil".
It takes away what we love the most This line comes as close to a good line as you have ever gotten in your "career".
Which is daytime. And then this unspeakably awkward, ridiculous line ruins it all.

Sometimes I like the night and...
When ever I want to be left alone You didn't describe the night much like something you'd want when you want to be left alone before, and there isn't any space between when and ever in the word whenever.
Also I like it when I am depressed
Or even angry at the world.

But most of the time
I hate the night
Because there is no light
To help me get through the day.

So I pray that the night
Never comes back
To play with my emotions
Or just to scare me out of my misery.

4uiwouldie wrote:omg ayra + monki why r u so mean? those are bad reviews and they will hurt gothfirls feellings this is actualy an amazin poem guys why u so mean?????????????????????????????????

gothgirl01 wrote:Night to me is scary This is a pretty weak line... and night being scary even just sounds like a preschooler. After studying this for a bit, I realized you might mean night as a metaphor for depression or something, in which case this is a very bad line for something like that and especially for helping the reader understand that it's a metaphor.
Night isn't very nice This line sounds even more like a preschooler's poem, at least change it to something more powerful like "the night is evil".
It takes away what we love the most This line comes as close to a good line as you have ever gotten in your "career".
Which is daytime. And then this unspeakably awkward, ridiculous line ruins it all.

Sometimes I like the night and...
When ever I want to be left alone You didn't describe the night much like something you'd want when you want to be left alone before, and there isn't any space between when and ever in the word whenever.
Also I like it when I am depressed
Or even angry at the world.

But most of the time
I hate the night
Because there is no light
To help me get through the day.

So I pray that the night
Never comes back
To play with my emotions
Or just to scare me out of my misery.

4uiwouldie > I'm sorry, but a critique is going to contain mostly negative aspects on your writing most of the time. If you don't like it, I don't think this is the site for you. Although we do wish you would stay! Just abide by the rules and if you are going to post your work, expect to get at least some horrid critiques once in a while. In reality, it really is a poorly written poem. And we're not being 'mean'. It's the job of those on this site. It is a responsibility. We're supposed to do this. I suggest you read the rules.

omg ayra + monki why r u so mean? those are bad reviews and they will hurt gothfirls feellings this is actualy an amazin poem guys why u so mean?????????????????????????????????

Hi, gothgirl. Umm... If you were hoping for a good critique, I'm afraid you're not going to like this one. If you were hoping for a bad critique, then enjoy! (Don't take these as put-downs, take them as an experience to form your own personal writing style.

So... on to the critique. Shall we? (My critiques shall be in bold.)

gothgirl01 wrote:Night to me is scary
Night isn't very nice<---I'm sorry if this sounds horribly mean, but these first two lines sound like a second grader wrote them. Maybe even a first grader...
It takes away what we love the most
Which is daytime.<---Really, really bad flow. And... where'd the rhyme go? (Lol. I made a rhyme!)

Sometimes I like the night
When ever I want to be left alone
Also I like it when I am depressed
Or even angry at the world.
Okay then, no rhyme here?

But most of the time
I hate the night
Because there is no light
To help me get through the day.
I see a part-rhyme here, and part no rhyme. Which is it going to be missy?

So I pray that the night
Never comes back
To play with my emotions
Or just to scare me out of my misery.<---Okay, I must admit that the last two lines were actually very... sophisticated. I'm not sure, but they were very good. But, they don't go with the rest of the poem, because the rest of it sounds childish.

This poem is very bland, are your words are very.. boring. I'm sorry. I don't want to be mean You probably tried on this, but the truth is it doesn't look like you did.
"But most of the time
I hate the night
Because there is no light
To help me get through the day.

I get what your saying, but you aren't descriptive in the least. "I hate night?" Replace 'hate' with dread and use another word besides night! "When darkness coats the skies"
"When the vanilla moon reappears." USE METAPHORS! SIMILIES! They are your friend!!
Keep writing!

Hahaha! This is an almost hilarious poem. It's told in such a stately fashion, yet it is so childish, that I might just snort.

Well, here are the elements you're lacking: (contributing to Ayra's magnifcent and honest critique)
(Just google them, I won't tell you what they mean:)

1. Imagery
2. Metaphore (it works well with imagery: try it without context first and you'll fall in love with these two!)
3. Style (You're not lacking style, you're lacking an interesting style)

Your main problem is that it's just a random list of why you don't like Night. Now, I'll take your first stanza and transform it into a beauty!

"Night to me is scary
Night isn't very nice
It takes away what we love the most
Which is daytime. "

EQUALS

"Night is a tomblike terror--
it will only extend its hand
to steal the light of day--
our infinite and scintillating amore."

Mhmmm? PM me if you need some help.

The first thing I'm going to tell you is to show me, not to tell me. Instead of telling me that you find night frightening, suggest it to me through night imagery. Also, I'd recommend forgetting the word "nice" completely every time you sit down to write a poem. "Nice" is flimsy. You might as well not say anything.

You've hinted at powerful emotions, but try to unleash them more. Again, try not to say you're angry or depressed or anything. Show us. Maybe try reading poetry. I think this will really help you.

Hope this helps. Keep at it, it will all come together for you with time and practise.

Hey, gothgiril01.

Well, unfortunately... I'm going to have to agree with Ayra. You didn't grasp my attention and make me want to read more. I stopped about halfway through. You didn't show us any imagery to make us care about how you feel about night. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that there are other people who don't like the night as much as the day, but what's so special about that? When writing poetry, it's important to provide a hook for your readers to latch onto.

You don't have said hook.

Paint a picture, rather than telling us why you dislike the night. Throw in some similies and/or metaphors to compare your feelings with so that we may feel the same way as you. Get into our heads and try to make us see what you see. ^_^ This has great potential, but it needs some tweaking.

Best wishes!

~*Syd*~

The funny thing about my reading this poem is that I like the night. I like the mystery of it.

Sir Wozzel I think did a masterful job of critiquing and I have no real experience in much poetry writing, but I will say that I did enjoy the poem. With perhaps a little editing, it would be quite the piece of work.

~GryphonFledgling

CAUTION: I may as well just slap you in the face - this review will be harsh. Harsh and honest. Read on at your own risk.

gothgirl01 --

I'm sorry, but this is a bad poem. There, I said it. Please don't take it personally, but this is lacking in so many aspects that...that it isn't good. Shall I explain why?

Firstly, it's boring to read. Even though it is very short, I was tempted to stop reading because you just didn't grab my attention. So what if you like and don't like the night? Make it more colorful and alluring to the reader by adding imagery. Describe the night and tie those descriptions to your feelings about it. For example: 'The night is a vast, dark blanket; it wraps me in fear' or something. I'm aware that that was probably a horrid example, but hopefully you get the gist of it.

Secondly, I don't feel anything as I read it. I know I've had moments when I wished the night was over, but you didn't make me (as the reader) relate to my own experiences at all. Tell us (or preferably, show us) exactly why you don't like it instead of saying, 'there's no light'. For example, describe how you wish you could sleep but you can't, and how you watch the hours slip away, wishing that dawn would come.

Anyways. You actually have a really cool idea for a poem, but it needs quite a bit of work. Please PM me if you don't understand or have questions/comments, or if you want help.
Why don't you look at the work of some of YWS's great poets? Try Incandescence's portfolio, or Cade's. Some other good poets on YWS are whence, Amelia and xanthan gum.

Good luck!
- Camille

wait, why is this rated PG-13?

"Night to me is scary
Night isn't very nice
It takes away what we love the most
Which is daytime. "

the first two sentences were great, had awesome rhythm, and the third was good also...however, the "daytime" part was a little awkward. i don't know if anything else would work there, but it would be nice if there was something else...i liked this verse

"Sometimes I like the night
When ever I want to be left alone
Also I like it when I am depressed
Or even angry at the world."

grammatical error: change "When ever" into one word. this verse was more awkward... the second line was a bit too long, i think. the first and third line were very good, but the last was again awkward--ditch the "even", it'd be much better.

"But most of the time
I hate the night
Because there is no light
To help me get through the day."

loved the night/light rhyme. very good. this was my favorite verse, and i don't have any edits for it.

"So I pray that the night
Never comes back
To play with my emotions
Or just to scare me out of my misery."

this was good, but the least rhythmical, i think. i don't know how, exactly, but this could definitely be more rhythmical, especially the last line.

overall, i liked it, and i liked the subject. keep writing, it's good! lol