Published January 1, 2008
Rain is the kill joy
Rain is the worst thing ever
I will not go outside never
I hate the rain
Rain doesn't bring happiness
It just brings darkness
All I want it to do is go away
It always rain in the middle of May.
Why don't it go somewhere else?
To torture other souls.
The rain hurts,
its like someone is crying
It rained for a couple of years
That's when i started drinking beer
which i don't care.
The rain made people scared.
Then one day a storm hit.
Some people couldn't take the fit
Some people got hit on the head.
By lightning but soon they were dead!
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
gothgirl01 --
(Prepare for a very harsh review)
I was wincing as I read this. Grammar has been pointed out, and spelling, but the poem in general is just not doing anything for me.
Why should we care about the narrator for this? You haven't made me feel anything for this girl as I read this. It's very flat and unemotional.
Poems can be unemotional, but I don't think you intended yours to be. Some great poems are purposely unemotional because it sets up a mood. In your poem, all it does is bore the reader.
Now for the rhyming.
The rhyming ruins the whole poem. You can make this better by just scrapping the rhymes and breaking free, you know? They're constricting you, confining you to a few simple rhymes. And that isn't good.
Yes, there are lots of good rhyming poems. Yours isn't one of them. If you want to see a good rhyming poem, check out Rain Dancers by Riedawriter23.
So my point is that your rhymes are forced and inelegant - not to mention a pain to read.
Ideas.
This is an okay idea - it could be a lot better when presented by a more able poet. But I think, even if you don't appear to be the most able of poets, that you can do a lot better with this.
At the moment, all you're doing is listing reasons why you don't like rain and stringing them together. Anyone can do that. So, you should find a more original way to present your ideas - elaborate, more imagery, more emotion. Everypoet might be of some help.
Overall...
No offense, but this isn't any good. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I hate being dishonest in critiques just to make the poet/writer feel better. There's a ton of room for improvement here, but don't be discouraged! You can only get better. ^^
I would suggest that you go to your nearest library and read some published poetry, or buy it from a book store, whatever you prefer. It helps a lot to read professional works (I know from personal experience).
Never give up!
- Camille
P.s. Any questions on this review? PM me.
ok. my first post was about the beginning of the poem. being the grammar freak that i am, i have to call you on the "why don't it rain...". i hope you know that that particular use of "don't" is extremely incorrect. also, you can't use "which" after you say "that's when i started drinking beer". you can say "i don't care" or some other variation of that but you CAN'T say "which i don't care". i suppose you could say "which i don't care about" but that might screw up your rhythm. i can't even say anything about your last stanza. it's just not very good. the beginning of the poem is about you, but the last stanza changes to be about other people and has nothing to do with the beginning. keep working on it!
~abby~
this was a little dry and many of the rhymes seemed forced (example: day---may). you have a lot of problems with subject/verb agreement (rain vs. rains). i would go over the entire poem and just read every line over and over and work with them and fix them until they flow correctly. You also have a couple comma issues, the most prominent being "I will not go outside never". it doesn't make sense unless you add a comma between outside and never. i think the poem would be much improved by adding/fixing these things and adding more imagery and feeling. it needs work but if you are willing to put more time into it, it could be okay.
~abby~
Um, the rhyming is a bit dodgy, I think it's unintentional, but things like:
and
in the middle of the poem just make the rest seem a bit messy... like you've tried rhyming it and given up...
Just be careful with capitalinzing and things.
Apart from that though, like 1dering at the Stars (awesome name!) it could be good with a bit of work.
Except I like the rain...
I think this needs a bit of work. I'll start with typos:
Did you mean May?1.
2. In the beginning of the poem you always capitalized "I", as you should have, but towards the end it becomes lower-cased.
3. Each new line of the poem should begin with a capital letter:
and
Just capitalize the i and the w.
4. Should be: rain should be rains
Format:
1.
"By lightning" Should go on the line above, like so:
Some people got hit on the head by lightning
But soon they were dead!
I understand that it doesn't rhyme this way, but it doesn't work the way you have it. You could try:
Some people got hit on the head
By lightning
But soon they were dead!
But, that messes up the format of the rest of the poem.
Grammar:
1. Don't use double negatives! Maybe try:
I will not go outside! Never!
2. doesn't
Akwardness:
1. A bit random....
2. What? I think your trying to say you didn't care about drinking beer, but that line does not really make sense.
All together, I think this sounds really rushed and that some of the lines were there just for the sake of rhyming. And the whole thing doesn't really make much sense. It seems to start out in the present:
But then you go on to tell the story of something that happened in the past:
????????????
Anyways, I hope this helps! If you fix these things, I'm sure this could be really good, and i'd like to come back to read it again! Good luck!