Young Writers Society

gothgirl01 --

(Prepare for a very harsh review)

I was wincing as I read this. Grammar has been pointed out, and spelling, but the poem in general is just not doing anything for me.

Why should we care about the narrator for this? You haven't made me feel anything for this girl as I read this. It's very flat and unemotional.
Poems can be unemotional, but I don't think you intended yours to be. Some great poems are purposely unemotional because it sets up a mood. In your poem, all it does is bore the reader.

Now for the rhyming.
The rhyming ruins the whole poem. You can make this better by just scrapping the rhymes and breaking free, you know? They're constricting you, confining you to a few simple rhymes. And that isn't good.
Yes, there are lots of good rhyming poems. Yours isn't one of them. If you want to see a good rhyming poem, check out Rain Dancers by Riedawriter23.
So my point is that your rhymes are forced and inelegant - not to mention a pain to read.

Ideas.
This is an okay idea - it could be a lot better when presented by a more able poet. But I think, even if you don't appear to be the most able of poets, that you can do a lot better with this.
At the moment, all you're doing is listing reasons why you don't like rain and stringing them together. Anyone can do that. So, you should find a more original way to present your ideas - elaborate, more imagery, more emotion. Everypoet might be of some help.

Overall...
No offense, but this isn't any good. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I hate being dishonest in critiques just to make the poet/writer feel better. There's a ton of room for improvement here, but don't be discouraged! You can only get better. ^^

I would suggest that you go to your nearest library and read some published poetry, or buy it from a book store, whatever you prefer. It helps a lot to read professional works (I know from personal experience).

Never give up!

- Camille

P.s. Any questions on this review? PM me.

ok. my first post was about the beginning of the poem. being the grammar freak that i am, i have to call you on the "why don't it rain...". i hope you know that that particular use of "don't" is extremely incorrect. also, you can't use "which" after you say "that's when i started drinking beer". you can say "i don't care" or some other variation of that but you CAN'T say "which i don't care". i suppose you could say "which i don't care about" but that might screw up your rhythm. i can't even say anything about your last stanza. it's just not very good. the beginning of the poem is about you, but the last stanza changes to be about other people and has nothing to do with the beginning. keep working on it!
~abby~

this was a little dry and many of the rhymes seemed forced (example: day---may). you have a lot of problems with subject/verb agreement (rain vs. rains). i would go over the entire poem and just read every line over and over and work with them and fix them until they flow correctly. You also have a couple comma issues, the most prominent being "I will not go outside never". it doesn't make sense unless you add a comma between outside and never. i think the poem would be much improved by adding/fixing these things and adding more imagery and feeling. it needs work but if you are willing to put more time into it, it could be okay.
~abby~

Um, the rhyming is a bit dodgy, I think it's unintentional, but things like:

Rain is the worst thing ever
I will not go outside never

All I want it to do is go away
It always rain in the middle of May.

I think this needs a bit of work. I'll start with typos:
1.

It always rain in the middle of Mat.

its like someone is crying

which i don't care.

It always rain in the middle of Mat.

Some people got hit on the head.
By lightning but soon they were dead!

I will not go outside never

Why don't it go somewhere else?

It always rain in the middle of Mat.

which i don't care.

Rain is the kill joy
Rain is the worst thing ever
I will not go outside never
I hate the rain

Rain doesn't bring happiness
It just brings darkness
All I want it to do is go away
It always rain in the middle of Mat.

Why don't it go somewhere else?
To torture other souls.
The rain hurts,
its like someone is crying

It rained for a couple of years
That's when i started drinking beer
which i don't care.
The rain made people scared.

Then one day a storm hit.
Some people couldn't take the fit
Some people got hit on the head.
By lightning but soon they were dead!