Published July 9, 2009
Illogical, but it makes sense
Broken Ideas
But they're in tact
It is truly the heart and mind of a psychopath
My blood is ice cold
I don't care about others
My mind has taken control
I can't stop the craziness
But i don't want to stop it
You might call me a psycho
I am just your normal psychopath
People fear me and might even hate me
i just don't care
I don't care about anyone, not even me
I wear the mask of sanity
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Canary word: Present
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The craziness and distraction of the psychopath's mind is great.The stone hearted description is completely correct.There were however some things that need attention:
A little more description of the psychopaths mind.
A central idea.
Just need some more effort next time.
I liked the first half of the poem a lot since it seems to reflect what I suppose a psychopath might think like. The central theme you were aiming for is good also. That said, I think it fell apart a little in the second half, after these two lines:
Keep this idea and just revise it a little
The first thing I noticed about this poem was that the only form of punctuation you have in it was the comma in the first line. Never forget, poetry needs punctuation too! Sometimes poets can get away with it, but it is my opinion that you shouldn't start playing with the lack of punctuation or other grammatical devices until you've mastered many, many other things about poetry.
The reason this poem was so hard for me to wrap my head around and enjoy is because it sort of dances around any central idea. You don't explain how the speaker is crazy. What do they do? Saying, "I am crazy," is one thing. Standing on a street corner shouting about how you ate a hamburger and now the tiny men who live inside your teeth are throwing it up in your mouth.... That is showing us you are crazy! You can't just tell us everything in poetry - you also need to show us. You do a lot of talking, and a lot of telling. "People fear me and people might even hate me." Why? Can you show me and prove it to me? Bring what you are saying to life, instead of just saying it.
Like I said, as well, you didn't seem to have a strong central idea. This can be forgiven if the poem is still well presented, but since you need to show-not-tell, it isn't too close to "well presented" yet. A good way to strengthen your poem though, is to have a central meaning, idea, theme - whatever you want to call it. As it is you are just saying, "I'm crazy." How does this affect the speaker and those around him/her? How did it happen? What point are you trying to make about this? A more important thing, however: how do you want to make the reader to feel about this? Do you want the reader to be frightened or curious? The main goal of poetry is to make the reader feel, think, or react in some way to what you are writing. How do you want your reader to react? Figure this out, and keep it in mind while you write.
Best of luck!