Hello I am Max Madison. What your are soon going to be reading is a little awkward because it can't really happen. At least that is what some people have said.
Some people thought I was crazy, but I wasn't that is for sure. Alright it was the beginning of my junior year of high school and I was really excited. I was a really smart student I never got below a B-. I always got an A in chemistry because it was my favorite subject.
Then when something horribly wrong caused the school into flames everything changed since that day. I died trying to save a friend but actually I wasn't dead. This weird guy in a mask told me that if I wanted to become human i had to drink the blood of the person who started the fire. My chemistry teacher caused the fire and it was bad to.
Well if you want to know more PM me and I will tell you.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay well that's an interesting start there. I don't believe I've seen a warning quite like this before and I'm not sure if its a good idea to have a warning like that at the start. Its not the sort of thing that makes you want to know what's going to happen, it just seems a bit odd and while it does make you question what's going to happen, those questions aren't as good as they could be so perhaps a rephrase there would be a good idea.
Uhh considering the title there I have a feeling this is going to take some sort of turn but this seems to be wandering a little too much of a tangent there given how sort of loaded you made the start. The flow of the piece doesn't really work out in that scenario and so this sort of stopping to give these other details is making this piece not as interesting as it could be.
Well that started to get a bit interesting there but now we kind of have a bit of an abrupt cut off there, so well I'd say this was definitely headed in the right direction there but it never really got a chance to actually reach said destination so you should think on this a bit more. The idea does have potential though.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Wait.... what?
This prologue doesn't really make sense. At all. Throw away this prologue and come up with the interesting story instead. This doesn't tell you anything, it doesn't inspire the reader to continue reading, and otherwise doesn't catch. The idea promises to be good (about the chemistry student turned vampire) so continue with this story, but the prologue is icky.
I agree with Bella and teenweirdo that this would be a very intersting story...if only you legthened it and put some action in it.
This is WAY too short to critique fully but I did catch one thing:
This needs to be reworded or add a comma after wasn't. Or you could split this into two different sentences like this: Some people thought I was crazy. But I wasn't, that's for sure.
Umm, otherwise, you have a good start here but you definitely need to stretch this out to make this more of a story.
I think this could be interesting so PM me if you decide to continue it cause this sounds like a very good read!
Keep Writing!
I agree with all of Bella's changes that she made. It really does sound interesting, though. I would want to read more if the mistakes were fixed. I hope the rest of your story goes well!
(My changes are in red, suggestions in indigo)
This sounds pretty interesting, but could definately use some work. I highlighted what I saw.
A few questions/suggestions, although I may be reitterating:
-This could be lengthened. A lot.
-I think you should go into detail about the scene. The narrator is in the middle of the fire. How is s/he feeling? What does it look like?
-Going along with that, what about this weird guy? What does he look like? How does he act? How does the character respond to this guy? Personally, if some guy told me I had to drink blood to live, I would tell him he was insane.
-What's it like, drinking this teacher's blood? Does it taste a certain way? Can the character smell it?
You could use some character development. If you're going to write in first person, your narrator needs to have a distinct voice. If s/he doesn't, it will be unpleasant, boring, and somewhat confusing for the reader. Right now your character seems unsure, contradicting of his/her self, and so on.
If you want have any questions, or you want my opinion on something else, feel free to PM me.
Merry Writing!
~Bella~
Hello!
While this could be an interesting story, there are way, WAY, too many grammar, and punctuation mistakes for it to be taken seriously. It's possible that you are from a foreign country, which might explain the disjointed English, but anyways.
This could be something worth the read. Just tighten up the grammar and punctuation.
The Drowsy Kaye