Published January 5, 2008
I was sitting on my bed
I couldn't fall asleep
I was watching TV
Untill midnight started to creep
I got exceptionally scared
And then I heard a sound
I didnlt want to open my eyes
But still i looked around
I wandered into the hallway
Then past some eerie rooms
I had the feeling that something was going to happen
Like stumbling across some tombs
I thought it was a dream
So I started to rapidly pinch myself
But my dumb body
Didn't move an inch
I thought up something crazy
Maybe this is for real
Suddenly i was in bed
And safe did I finally feel.
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140,626 Literary Works • 673,567 Reviews
it's rather funny because you pretty much described me and every other kid, teenager, and person, to an exact piont. I think this was exalently written
lulu
My only complaint is that you keep alternating between capital and lower-case i's. Other than that, I found that this flowed well and was enjoyable to read. While the imagery wasn't spectacular, I think you got your point across. Good job. Keep writing.
Just so you know, you have misspelled words--"untill," "didnlt," and various times, "i." When this site has a spell-check built into it, this is unacceptable. I refuse to take you seriously as a poet until you spell everything correctly.
I thought it was good except for the phrase
Like stumbling across some tombs
I'm not really sure what that means, but the enitre poem is kind of creppy.
First of all, you need to seperate out your stanzas, it will make it flow better as well as be easier for the reader to read. Second "i" is always capitalized when referring to yourself. I'm sure you will find the lower cased places when going over it yourself.
There are a few akward lines that can be fixed by taking out a few of extra, unesscessary words. Ex:
instead you could try:
...OK, this line just doesn't work.
Again, if still feels like some of your lines are there just for the sake of rhyming. (Although I must say that this is a big improvement!)
Lastly, I think you could make the ending more clear. Did you mean for it to sound like the speaker had really dreamed it all? I think thats a good idea, and it would certainly make your poem more interesting. But if thats what you meant to do, exaggerate it more than you have.
Anyways, keep writing. The more you write, the better you get.
Quick question: Did you review your own work? I noticed this on one of your other pieces as well...
Gothgirl, I'm a bit confused why you critiqued your own piece. It is of course normal for authors to say what they like or don't like about something they wrote, but they never say "If its a story put it in a story form." Instead they say, "I think I may put this in story form."
In any case, the poem does need work, but don't give up on it! The first issue you need to resolve is the grammar. All you need to do is run a simple spell check; something that takes only a minute to do. Then make sure you have correct capitalization because you have some lowercase I's in there that really should be uppercase.
You kept to a rhyming structure in this poem, and you did a good job with that. However, three lines struck me as very out of place:
But my dumb body
Didn't move an inch
I thought up something crazy
In almost the entire rest of the poem, you have a ababcdcdefef structure. But then all of a sudden it goes efefghijkjklmlm. The ghi are those three lines right there.
So keep on working at it, but don't give up on it! If you want to write a story about it, then go for it.
...I liked it! Loved it!
It's pretty good, but I didn't like the line "like walking across some tombs" it seems out of place and irrelevant. Other than that, the concepts a little cliche, and I don't really see a climax in the poem, since it's a story.