Hi my name is Margaret and this is my story about me.my mom and my father. Lets go back to last week where all the trouble began ok. Alright it was 6:30 in the morning the normal breakfast time for our family but nothing was cooking or done. I was amazed to see that because of how long we kept that tradition going. So when i arrived in the living room my mother was sitting in the chair crying that is when i asked, "What is wrong mother?" But she didn't answer so I asked her again, "What is wrong mother?" I started to get frustrated because she wouldn't tell me. Then she suddenly spoke, "You don't want to know what happened!"
"It can't be that bad" I replied
"If you must know your father shot himself. I called the police and they are on there way." Mother sobbed
"Why? How? How could he do this mother?" I asked"
"Well I don't know Margaret dear but all I know was that he had been acting really strange for the last couple of days." Mother replied
Soon after the police arrived to take the dead body away. It grossed me out a lot. One police officer went to my mother to ask her some questions and I heard the one question which was, "Did you shoot your husband?"
I walked up to him to give him a piece of my mind and I said, "Hey! Why would you think my mother would of shot her own husband you idiot!"
When he left I was relieved because I knew my mother didn't shoot my father. But the big thing was she actually did shoot my father. When i finally realized that she shot him i got really angry and called the police to tell them i had proof that my own mother shot my father. When the took her away I was sent to a Foster home but not even a month later I was adopted and living happily in California.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Okay, this story needs to be edited heavily in order to actually stand as a story. There are so many problems with the narration, the dialogue, the plot and the characters. In order to weave a good story out of all the elements you have introduced in the short piece, you need to keep some things in minds.
First of all, slow down. It felt like the entire story was told in a single breath. There was no space, no gap, no moment for the readers to take in the character and the setting or catch up with the plot. Things just seemed to keep on happening on their own accord. The pace of the story was like a hurricane that sucked in everything good about the story. First, we do not get to connect with the character before we already swept away by the heavy plot of the story. And then once the plot starts to play itself out, there is no break until the very end. We do not get the chance to accept one plot development when another has already come in its place. As a result, the dialogues and the narration all merge into one and it is difficult to care about the story.
Also, the plot was a little unbelievable. The reaction to the father's death was not at all realistic. No wife, even one who has murdered her husband breaks the news to their child by saying: "If you must know your father shot himself." The way she brings up his death is almost in an irritated, nonchalant way, like it is a mere inconvenience that she has to go through now. There is no feeling of grief or loss or shock in her. Even if she is trying to act innocent, this only proves that she is a terrible actress.
But then, things just keep on happening. How does the narrator find out that her mother killed her father? And why again did she kill her husband? There are so many pot holes in this story - you really need to fix them if you want it to be believable.
Now, let's move on to the typos:
The 'i' will be capitalized every time, and you need to space out your dialogues. Otherwise its just a clump or text and your readers are not going to have the patience to sort through it.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Pace. That's a heck of a lot of stuff to say in such a short space. We want a story, not a summary. Slow it down. Pay attention to details and emotions. Don't rush through the darn thing.
As Acoustic Sensitivity said, spacing would make this easier to read.
Being realistic. This is what you really need to work on. I found not one speck of realistic characterization, plot, or dialogue in this thing. For crying out loud, how does a real person react when she finds out her father's shot himself? I sincerely doubt that she says, "How. Could. He. Do. This." You need to incorporate the sudden shock, the rush of emotions, the grief...a character's speech and actions should reflect what she goes through as she receives the news of her father's death.
And, "It grossed me out a lot"? Please...that's something you say when you see a frog dissection in sixth grade biology, not something you say when you see a dead body being hauled off to the morgue.
Overall, the poor control of this pieces technical qualities, i.e. spelling, punctuation, grammar, all indicate a very immature control of writing. Next time, write the piece in proper English to show the reader you care about your piece.
-Colleen
Arrange your lines and put at least a space within the dialogue because it's kind of hard to read. Also put a margin on the first lines of each paragraph. Other than that, nice story but it's not spectacular or something.