Published January 2, 2008
I hate my life
I hate it so bad I wanna cry
I never want to be anyone
I just rather be gone.
"Please dear God,
Save me from this place.
A place people call home.
This is a place to be alone."
Life sucks this I know
Work sucks I hate that so
I wanna go some place far far away
I just want to leave this place some day.
People drive me crazy and mad
They think i am all bad.
This is why my life sucks
Cause all the people in my life hate me
Some people think I am crazy
That is what your immature minds think.
You think your better than everyone else
This is why I hate life
I hate my life!
I hate my life!
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Lessee...well I'm going to try and not just repeat what everyone has already said about your emo "poem", but I might unintentionally. Sorry if that happens here.
First of all, however, if you're going to post a poem or story or ANYthing on a website like this, don't EVER get defensive again. We are all out here giving our honest opinions and trying to help you improve your writing, which is what we all assumed you wanted. When you start rejecting that help and dismissing our opinions with a "They just don't understand", you're going to ultimately get nowhere fast, and none of us are going to be willing to help you anymore. Sound good? Alrighty, moving on...
If you're going to write a poem, ANY poem, you need to have a message, or at least an image you want us to picture and see the same way the writer sees it. Please don't tell me your message/image is "my life sucks" because for me that does nothing whatsoever. You used no images, you made no connections, and like most have said, it just sounds like you ranted on a page. I know I'm being harsh here, but I really want you to understand why this doesn't really count as poetry so that the next time you try, you have a better understanding of what to do and you improve. Think of a different way to convey your emotions other than "I hate my life" (ultimately THE most cliche emo phrase you can ever find). How can you make the reader feel what you're going through? How can you make them picture an uncaring household? How can you make them smell it, taste it, hear it, etc? Think of these things next time you try to write a poem like this. You should definetly keep trying, too: dont give up just because this poem is receiving less than favorable reviews.
I hope you'll take these comments to heart. Best of luck!
i get what your trying to say... i mean not every poem in the world is going to be the same...... there have got to be some poems showing some emotion...hello.....
she has a point.....may people do think their "all that"...well anywayz... i really injoyed it its something different than what i usually read.. thank you for the difference!!!
express yourself, and stand up for what you believe in!! remeber this .....
Look no further than your hand, make a choice and take a stand!
keep writin is all i got to say!
Hmmm, sorry to break it to you, but I really don't like this one! I mean, this could be considered "good", because you used standard conventions well, but I just don't find it a very interesting read. The whole emo angsty poetry isn't really my thing at all. And besides; everybody has heard this poem before. Not this specific one, per se, but the concept "oh why am I here, I just wanna die" sort of thing.
And why should we care? I mean, WHY do you want to die? WHY do you hate life? Maybe if you gave us reasons to sympathise, it would be an entirely different poem!
The whole "poor me" thing is way too old, though. We have all heard it about a million times.
I don't mean to offend you, and if this is the way you are I'm sorry and I hope things start looking up for you!
The problem with this poem is that it's not different. I personally have seen this poem before. About a hundred times. It's cliche, it's over done, and you wrote it for you. I think this is really a Diary poem that you thought other people might like. However I tend to agree with the many other posts that say it is simply bad.
Sorry to be so harsh. But that's my honest opinion
Next time don't tell us about your terrible life, show us. Why doesn't your house feel like a home?
Best wishes,
OverEasy
This has several conflicting messages. The narrator hates life and yet he would be perfectly happy if he goes to another place? Confusing! So this guy obviously doesn't really hate life... if he did, he would rather die than be a part of it. Instead, he hates the situation he has put himself in.
So.
Because of these conflicting ideas, your poem REALLY doesn't carry that much weight. I suggest moving away from the narrator. No offense, but your narrator is really dragging things down because his viewpoint is too narrow... he cannot possibly see the world. This poem doesn't make us feel like there's nothing left for him, which is a problem.
Here's a place where subtlety is key. Compare your poem to this one: The Mill by Edwin Arlington Robinson. This is a poem where your poem is blatantly obvious while Edwin's is much more subtle and you have to read it a couple of times to realize how much despair and emptiness is in the main character's life. And yet, I would have to say that Edwin's poem is by far the best because the reader is immersed in despair -- and stays in there -- unlike your poem.
Best of luck.
NO. You do NOT do that. No no no no. This is even worse than when you critiqued your own work.
Moving on from that...
This poem is bland. You repeat the same life-sucks theme all the way through, and don't really offer any new ideas, or any ideas at all.
"Its just differnent."
I, honest-to-god, laughed out loud when I read that. This is NOT original or different. This is the SECOND poem of this [s]nature[/s] exact same wording I've critiqued today, and I've only critiqued two poems today. I've seen THREE poems of this sort, but the other one was so bad (not one of yours, but I'm not going to name who so as not to hurt feelings) I didn't bother.
Like Sureal said... Actually, let me demonstrate what Sureal said. Entering the phrases "I hate my life", "emo poetry", and such...
Aha. Ohhh, this is rich. I entered "i hate my life emo poetry" and if you'll believe me, the third result was... THIS PAGE. Doing a search for just "emo poetry" we get... ahh, I'm not going to bother quoting, you do a search and see all the poems identical to this you get.
...sorry, got carried away. I promise now I'll just stick to the actual critique.
This poem is bland. You repeat the same life-sucks theme all the way through, and don't really offer any new ideas, or any ideas at all.
Emo poetry is, despite what many think, not original, not good, not intriguing, certainly not different. I have found, in my life, ONE piece of emo poetry that was in any way good. Regrettably, I have lost this.
As for grammar, remove the quotation marks around
A poem (such that it may be) is supposed to be you talking to the reader, especially in emo poetry. Unless it's someone else saying that line, and I don't see why that'd be, no quotes. Meep caught all the other grammar errors, so... that's about it.
Honestly, I'd just suggest scrapping it. Write something cheerier. I'm not saying that dark and depressed poetry is all that bad, Shakespeare's "To Be Or Not To Be" speech in Hamlet, contemplating suicide, is an excellent example of such, but often, when a young writer is stuck in the rut of emo poetry, the best thing to do is jerk out of that rut with something cheerier, and then write dark and depressed, but NOT emo, stuff, not ease from emo to dark and depressed.
Wish you luck,
~Aet
i think you need to be a little bit more optimistic
lulu
[1] What do you mean by "I never want to be anyone"? Like, you don't want to do anything special/you don't care if you drop out and don't get a job? What?
[2] Is this supposed to be a play on "Jesus loves me, this I know"? 'Cause if not, it's just awkward.
Okay, so that was ... boring. *yawns* I don't think there was an original idea or expression in this. It was boring, it was emo, it was navel gazing. Honestly, if this wasn't YWS, where I like to review things, I would've clicked the back button so fast my head would spin.
This is a really hard topic to deal with in an original and interesting manner, because every teenager goes through this phase and most of them write poetry about it. I know I did. (That poetry will never, ever see the light of day again.) It is possible to write about commonly felt emotions without it being boring and cliché, but you failed in that respect. This was just boring. I didn't feel the sense of "oh-my-God-I-hate-my-life" that you were trying to convey here. I didn't feel much of anything besides, well, bored.
Also, your rhyme scheme was really forced in some places. (Not that I can talk ... I write free-verse, but if you're gonna try, you've gotta do it right.)
This is not the way to approach reviews. I mean, I'm not saying you have to agree with every change anyone makes to your work - it is, after all, your work - but you do have to look at it from their/our point of view. It's true that you need to write for yourself, but you need to edit for your audience.
... and I have to respectfully disagree and say no, no it doesn't express any emotion.
The poem is neither confusing nor is it in any conceivable way 'different'. To the contrary, it is simplistic and it is cliched. I can type in the words 'emo' or 'teen poetry' into google and get hundreds of poems that are identical to this.
If you like the poem, that's fine. But that is no reason to reject the critiques you have recieved here. They have given you really good advice that would help your poetry an amazing ammount, but I fear you're just going to reject it all under the self delusion of being a misunderstood genius.
It is kind of confusing , but it was good!
The poem is confusing I know because I wrote it. But it isn't terrible like ya'll said. Its just differnent. I agree on some of the critique but not all. So I don't care how terrible or not terrible it is I like it. It expresses some emotion there.
This is really good, but deep with details. For people who've thought about life and how much they hate it, and or how much it hates them, they can relate to it. Even though people who can relate to it, may've had a dfifferent life style, you're never alone. Keep up the good work.
I agree with Kion....I can relate to this and if I heard this on the street it would seem a bit ramble-like......but I can feel your hatred through the words but it is a bit faint......try harder next time and I'm sure you will succed ^^
-Uo The lady in gray
I think I could only relate to the story, but I wasn't drawn in. Only because if I heard while walking down the street I would think someone was ranting to themselves, not speaking poetry. I suggest making the poetry almost a conversation? Answer invisable questions as if you're addressing someone in a conversation.
But I honestly thought it was okay, only because I could relate. It's sad when only people who relate like it.
I like it! Very constructive and you put a lot of feeling into it.
How I think you could have cut these two verses.
I hate my life
I hate it so bad I wanna cry
I never want to be anyone
I just rather be gone.
I hate my life!
I hate my life!
Keep writing
~Loz
o and cade: yes you are a very capable poet
and brad=incandecence, just an fyi for those who didnt know (i forgot because he signs his real name in his critiques)
smorg and everyone else basically covered it. this isn't poetry, sorry to be blunt but it isnt. keep the emo in your diary.
seriously, "i hate my life"? at least be more articulate than that
here comes the constructive critisism: to write real poetry, avoid clichés like the plague ^.^ excuse the pun. and when you MUST tackle emotions such as love, death, and pain then use concrete things to support the emotion at hand (such as 1st hand examples).
i suggest deleting this before Brad gets ahold of it.
I don't know if my big red EMO stamp has seen anything this juicy before.
I completely agree with smorg. What he said is totally correct (and I'm flattered that he listed me as a "capable poet"). But really.
Next time you want to write a poem about how life sucks, show us, don't tell us. The difference between telling and showing is the difference between saying, "This pie is yummy," and shoving a piece of pie into someone's mouth. As a poet, you don't want to say, "Life sucks"--that does no more for the reader than saying, "The pie is yummy."
But if you capture the harshness and pain of living in one moment, one image, we'll infer that life can, well, suck sometimes. So next time, instead of talking about how mean people are, give an example. An event. A moment in time. And for all our sakes, cut the cliches. We're all teenagers here, and we don't find any of this new and refreshing.
-Colleen
This had little insight beyond the fact that the subject dislikes his/her life. Honestly, it read like a whiny rant. There's little meditation on what's so bad about said life, and that's where this runs into problems. Right now, it's all about the subject "you" (the "me" in the poem) and while that might work well enough for "you", the rest of "us" aren't left with anything. Seems a bit one-sided, eh? ^_^
Try rewriting this without the rhymes and maybe concentrate more on a specific incident. You might also want to spend a bit of time reading poetry, to see how others have pulled it off. If you like, I'm sure that I or others could recommend some!
Poetry isn't meant to be a "woe-is-me" fest. True it is an expression of your emotions, but is an act of sharing them with the reader, not crying on them and trying to see if they'll relate to you. Why does your life suck? Why is everything so bad? You would have to be more exact and less abstract and, honestly, less whiny for me to actually care about what you had to say if you were going to write a poem like this.
This is like a blog post, not a poem. Poetry should be beautiful and share something with the reader. I am terribly sorry for being so harsh, but it is the horrible truth. Try picking up a book on poetry and reading through it, or go look for something by Longfellow, he's an amazing poet. Read poetry, and find out what it is really all about, before picking up your pen again. You're a new poet, I can guess, and poetry is a very hard thing to do. You have to prepare and learn what it is before you can try to write it.
I'm afraid that I agree with smorgish here. This is...not very good. I get the feeling that you wrote this in an angry mood and just posted it to vent your feelings.
There's nothing wrong with venting your feelings into poetry. But really, it should be in the blog. I, as the reader, feel no sympathy towards you as I read this. I can't relate. You wrote this way too much for you, as oppose to your audience. You need to give us reasons to care about your problems, or else we won't.
I don't think you can save this. -_- But better luck next time, and maybe think a little more before posting?
- Camille
Terrible. If you can't see the forest from the inside of your navel, don't write poetry.
My instinct wants me to leave it at that, but I'll try to tell you why this is so bad. But I advise you to heed my advice, because you'll just keep running blindly into this trap.
I. Why should the reader care a fig about the writer? If you don't provide a compelling reason for your work to be read, then it won't be read. Ask and you shall recieve.
II. This topic is cliched. If you cannot provide a new angle on such an overdone topic, it ain't worth writing.
III. There is no imagery. There is no alliteration. There was no turn of phrase. It can work, but usually, telling it like it is, is boring.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, read some other poetry before continuing. Cade, Incandescense, Rigel, Penguinattack, Cyrsi, Gadi, are all capable poets. Dig up some of there work, heat up some hot chocolate and learn.
P.S. Never heard the expression "can't see the forest for the trees"?
P.P.S. Emo poetry gets reivews fast!
I couldn't find anything to critique. It was very good.