Hello there Simba! Dogs here with your review today. Okey dokey, to start I'd pay attention to several bits of Trident's review, it has some valuable points in it. Well, more about the credibility of the narrator and some of the cliche lines that you use. Although I don't agree entirely with his review, but he does make some valid points. Anywho, back to ze review. I think you have some good points that you make in this poem, and certainly some excellent writing, but you get into trouble with the fluidness of some of those lines when you're trying to make a big point. Let's dive in now shall we?
"Rainbows star in my dreams."
I'm not entirely huge fan of this line either, it's a little stereotypical. Maybe say something more along the lines of "forbidden fantasies plague my dreams." Or some line that focus more on using "forbidden" instead of "rainbows."
"They say they're not ashamed."
Now this line is a little confusing, ashamed of what? Of not being gay? Because I've never met anyone who was ashamed of not being gay. Now, if you mean being homophobic here, than you have more places to take this line. Although, you haven't made it clear that that is what you're insinuating. Try to put a little more clarity to that line.
"That they're living better this way."
Try to omit all useless words whenever you can. Try saying: "That they live better this way" instead.
"I cry because I'm still locked down."
The "locked down" bit of this line is a little odd, because I think it's natural to say "chained down," but you're using "chain" in the next line so that option is knocked out. Thanks for not being repetitive there. I would suggest maybe saying something like: "I cry because I'm still fettered down."
"I will not give in to desires that plague my mind."
Now the rest of this stanza is pretty good, except this line is really throwing me off because it's far longer than all the lines in the rest of the poem. Therego really throwing off your rhythm. Maybe say something like: "I won't succumb to the desires in my mind." Still a little long that way, but it's a little better.
That fourth stanza really bugs me, it's a little overdone and it's cliche. I've heard the phrase "tear my heart out" and "broken hearted" in countless amounts of poems. Surely with your great imagery writing you could certainly find some stronger, less predictable, descriptions to show the reader the pain you're in. I think the focus of this poem should be less of saying how much pain you are in, and more of focusing on the cause of the pain. I want to see a little more focusing on your fight with the devil so to say. That could lead to something more out of the ordinary and really draw in the reader more.
"I'll let my tears mar the white of the sheets."
Again, this line is too long for the rest of the poem. Perhaps try saying: "I'll let these tears mar my white sheets," just to shorten it up. Omit all useless words whenever possible. I like the imagery of this line though, and great use of "mar."
"Just enough to stave off the heat of hell fire."
I read in your previous post that you were trying to insinuate that our narrator is a priest. Well, you have certainly made the reader believe that he may be religious because he's so worried about fighting the devil. But not indications that he is a priest, so go back through your writing and try to make that clearer if you want that to stick more. "A saint above them all." This is the only subtle indication that you have that he might be a priest, but it's far to subtle and the reader won't catch that. I only got it because I read that he was a priest.
"That's more than the angels can claim to have done."
Ok, this line is interesting, I can see both sides of the situation. Where I like how you've set up the kind of corruption in the religious world, but it seems odd that a "priest" would be noticing this and doing nothing about it, considering, that is, he loves his religion and is entirely devoted to it.
Those last two lines are really not doing it for me in this poem, 1: It sounds cliche. 2: You never set up how being gay is death. 3. You never really described why being gay is so bad. Those are three things you need to keep in mind for this ending and the editing if you so choose to do so. All and all this is a good poem, but just missing a few bits of information. I reviewed a little rough on this one because I know your writing is pretty darn spot on and you could seriously improve this to a masterpiece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh 
xx
Points: 52441
Reviews: 662
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