The mild hand of Autumn had begun to release its grip on the ever frozen Alaskan coast. The ice that covered the sea bound waterfall grows in strength, as what was left of the warm climate disappears with the sun. On these steep cliff faces the only trees that are seen are closer to the frosted sea, where the ground is at a safer angle. It was an extremely remote, yet beautiful place, one of the few that had not yet been disturbed by humans.
The setting sun cast the trees long shadows up the cliff, and among those shadows hovered a being, which took the shape of a man. He was tall, well dressed, and from what one could make out, quite handsome. Surrounding him was a thick black haze. He seemed to only walk among the shadows, never once stepping into the light. He was not the only one on the cliff face; on the other side of the waterfall was a wolf who was making its way to the top of the waterfall. It’s stunning green-brown fur illuminated in the setting sun. Its ice blue eyes did not see the man among the shadows and it continued to approach the waterfall. the moment it was close enough to notice the man's presence. One of the long shadows seemed to stand up and wrap its limbs around the wolf, pinning it to the rocks, only inches away from the waterfall.
“Who do you think you are!” The wolf growled in plain English. “You have no right to attack me like this Silas!”
The man stepped out of the shadows.
“You know good and well why I’m here, Kactine” He sneered.
“I’m afraid I don’t.”She snapped.
He laughed.
“You really think I had no idea what you did 8 years ago? You mock my powers dear Kactine, bringer of Fall.” Silas began, “ I see all that causing disruption in nature, and your affair was no exception.”
The wolf’s cold eyes faltered with the knowledge Silas had.
“It was nothing. No wrong will come of what he and I did.” She stated.
“Alas, the child, he is of powerful blood, and his human mind can be manipulated to do wrong, or right.” Silas continued. “ So I am required to take your powers until you retrieve the boy so he may be taught good. By the law of Mother Nature herself.”
He pulled out a clear orb for within his shadowy cloak.
“No!” She Roared, struggling against the shadows holding her. “ I don’t know where he is!! He and his father disappeared, as hard as I have tried, even after eight years of journeying across this world as autumn I have yet to find Enapay and his dearest father.”
Silas paused. “Well, you're just going to have to try harder then.”
He held the orb close Katcine’s muzzle, and muttered an incantation under his breath. She howled in pain, and the orb began to glow. Katcine’s body began to shift, changingiits shape until it was that of a human. Silas stopped the process, and turned away.
“ I shall leave you with what very little power you have left. “ He said calmly. “I bid you adieu, and good luck, you’ll need it.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there. This piece has gone too long without a second opinion. Allow me to remedy that.
I agree with Yoda down there. This piece has potential, but there are some things that need to be fixed before it can shine.
First I'd like to start with the formatting. I was having a bit of a hard time following your story because you didn't put more space between paragraphs. This is a minor thing, but it can really help your readers follow along and prevent their eyes from going @_@
Also, I think you were a bit heavy with the description about the weather in the beginning, though if you could clarify something to me about it I'd much appreciate it. Near the end of this prologue Katcine says "eight years of journeying across this world as autumn." This implies that she's actually a force that controls the weather. Is this why you chose to focus on the weather so much in the beginning? As for how you could write that part better, well, I think Yoda covered that pretty well with his example snippet. Watch and learn, grasshopper.
Now, the way I see it prologues are meant to intrigue your reader into going further into your story. Did this prologue accomplish that for me? Well, yes and no. The only thing that has me intrigued here is the fact that I'm wondering if this Katcine character really is controlling the seasons and how that kind of magic applies in your world if that's the case. Otherwise I'm not particularly interested, and I think it's due to the fact that things are just so vague here. There's mention of some child these two characters are apparently searching for and it's really important, but the way they talk is just so vague that I don't get invested in what's happening. I don't know, this may just be me, but I'd suggest being a little less vague and spending a bit more time on each character. Perhaps if you switch out of omniscient viewpoint and actually got into the heads of one of your characters?
All in all I see the potential in this piece, but to be completely honest I can't put my finger on what's preventing me from getting invested in the events you have here. I think it may be the fact that the plot related talk is too vague for me to care about (why bother trying to understand it when it will probably be more clearly explained later, my brain says) and I just didn't get to know your characters enough. Maybe by getting into one of your character's heads I could connect easier to these events. Food for thought.
I hope this helped a bit. Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.
--Dover
Hello Silverclaw
You have great potential, but you lack the structure needed to write a true masterpiece. Your English is decent, and your idea is also fair, but a large part of telling a story is the order and design that should maximize intrigue and tension.
Watch this:
That is how I would have written your story. First you eliminate unnecessary description, and stop trying to sound fancy. You get rid of as many adverbs as you can, and you only use the dialogue tag said. You eliminate exclamation points and ensure your prose is entirely invisible. And then you show whatever needs to be shown to bring the scene to life. This does not include the weather or landscape description that you swamp us with in the beginning.
I hope this helped.
Good luck!