Published December 27, 2004
One day I counted you friend
The next you were my foe
All because of a few words
Cool stares in my direction
Cruel words behind my back
I better get used
to the cold side of you
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Canary word: Present
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
Hmm, it was short and sweet but I couldn't really feel what you were writing there. Like Firestarter said, you need to add more depth to it, because I couldn't really get your message.
The shortness I liked and it was a really good read, very simple, but it really just confused over a while, if you get my idea.
I found it quite empty. I saw someone on one poem say that it could have been written by anybody, and I think this applies here. You need to develop your own style and make this personal to you, a couple of details, imagery, anything to make it memorable. Experiment.
Meh. Just...meh. I'm sure you're sick of hearing this, but it needs depth, it needs pizzaz...it needs revision.
Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying its a bad poem. It has the potential to be a very good poem, actually, as everyone keeps saying; but there is no sense of place, no emotion, no impression of a story. It feels like a fragment of something, a brief glimpse, like a murder without either victim or murderer, lol. Its missing something. I think you should make it longer, build it up more. Its bones right now - give it some body.
It feels like you cut it off right in the middle of the poem. Like you were writing it, then got up to get something, then forgot the poem wasn't finished when you posted it.
A good beginning to what could be a great poem.
I'm agreeing with most of already said.
Not enough depth, to be honest. Add a bit more to it and it could become good.
Well, I understand where you were going, and I can relate, but the poem itself just didn't stick to me. I mean, I read it and almost immediately I forgot what it was about. I don't think it was because it was short, because sometimes you can learn life's lesson through a short poem. However, for the subject, there wasn't really any depth. Perhaps you should add a few more lines--maybe even stanzas just for the sake of depth.
I am going to be blunt because I am tired. I think this has a lot of potential but as it stands it is very two dimensional. You don't really capture the spirit or feeling of the situation. This poem hints at the talent you have, so please use it and give me more
short, "sweet" and to the point. very ture, too.