The Package

Hi there!

This is an interesting little story you've got here. I like the way it ends so ambiguously, with "the package is ready" followed by silence. I also liked the use of periods to indicate silence on the line.

I'm a little confused as to why Uncle Russell would admit the caller was him, however. Finding out does add to the creepiness at the end, because there might be someone dangerous in the narrator's home, but the way we find out is funky. It seems like it would make more sense for her to simply recognize the number after a while or realize that it's the same as Uncle Russell's number. Or perhaps, after thinking about it, she recognizes his voice. Or maybe she recognizes his voice and that's why he fesses up about it.

It also seems a little over-the-top to me that, after the first phone call, the narrator immediately thinks "the package" might be a kidnapped child or the body parts of an enemy. I can see someone thinking the call was weird or even creepy, but I think those thoughts would make more sense after the second call - because while you might get a strange call from a wrong number once, for the same number to call again about the same thing is pretty suspicious.

Finally, the idea that Uncle Russell tried to have her sent to an orphanage to set her mom up with someone new is also melodramatic. If that's the case, why would mom even let Uncle Russell stay with them, even if she needs help? It was just sort of strange to me, although in that case I guess it does give us a little insight into why he might be calling and presumably referring to the narrator as "the package."

Hello, SilpaS, PastelSlushie here for review number 39 for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it! Also, welcome to YWS! It's great to see you've already posted something.

The one that confused me the most about this was closer to the end when our main character is getting a call from her uncle. The dots after every time something is said confuses me in terms of format and why it's there - is it supposed to represent something? Another thing I'm not the biggest fan of is how some sentences are in all caps. It really stands out from the rest of this, and I really wouldn't say in the best way.

Other than those two complaints, I liked this. I've been reading a lot of novel chapters and it felt really nice to read something short and sweet and simple. This has a mysterious aroma that lingers from the beginning to the end, especially since we don't know 100% what exactly the package is. It makes the reader have to fill in the empty spaces with their big imaginations! However, I feel that telling us that the main character's mother is not well seems really placed at random and seems very out of place. I feel it could we reworded to: "My mom and Uncle Russel went to a nearby restaurant to pick up food since she wasn't feeling well and not being able to cook." It goes along a lot smoother and the information doesn't seem placed at random.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,

Pastel

This is very well written. I particularly enjoy the specific descriptions of what the narrator was doing in their ordinary life, because the story seems to try to form a homely feel that is constantly unsettled by the narrator's intrusive thoughts and the phone calls. I do feel, however, that there was a bit of dramatization when the narrator explains that their Uncle Russell tried to give them away to an orphanage, but it could be easily reworded to make
more sense or sound less odd. The ending is a little bit weird, as in it has a bit of a messy conclusion, though maybe the author wanted to leave the ending open to interpretation or eventual realization of what happened to the reader. Overall, I think that the story is very interesting and has the potential to be even better with some rewording and clarity of the plot.