Hello, Silmarillion! Welcome to YWS.
I hope you don't mind if I review your story today; it's a very lovely start! I just have a few suggestions for things that you might change to make it better.
Her dad, Joe Morgan, was trying to catch her eye while still watching the road, but wasn't doing too well on either task. She had been resolutely looking the other direction for the last half hour, and twice now he had swerved off the highway completely in his attempts. The silence between them was deafening, but Jenna had no intention of breaking it.
Here, you establish a great sense of tension. However, since this is written in Jenna's perspective, I'm not sure this is the best time to slip her dad's name in there. Think about how often you think of your parent by his/her full name--I bet it's not very often! Calling him 'Dad' should be enough.
Also, in the second sentence here, there's a bit of confusion. You write that Jenna is looking away, but that her father is swerving off the highway because of it. Is he looking away rather than her? Are both of them avoiding eye contact? It's also possible that you might want to add "nearly swerved off the highway", because actually swerving off the highway--especially in the rain--is a pretty big deal!
Speaking of roads...
It wasn't until they turned again onto a winding dirt road that curiosity got the better of her.
I'm not sure that there would be a dirt road right off a highway? But maybe they're out in the country where the highway is just a little two-land thing that's a lot easier to pull onto and off of. This makes me feel like we should be seeing a little more of the scenery! You do a great job of describing the storm, and it's probably blocking what Jenna would be able to see, but it would be nice to have the context of city/country space, mountains or plains.
"Incidents that had nothing to do with me."
"They had everything to do with you."
"I told you what happened, but you won't believe me."
"I wonder why that is."
"I'm NOT insane!"
"You could fool me."
I like this exchange between Jenna and her dad, but maybe you could include another dialogue tag or two? Maybe just something like, "'I'm NOT insane!' Jenna spat." to break it up a little and show some of their emotions.
Éxodos Pénte, Vóreia Plevrá.
Cool! I love that Jen is reading a sign in a different language. However, I think she might not call it gibberish so much as saying it's a different language, and wondering if they were in a different country? Gibberish for me would be something including numbers and figures that don't even register as words in my mind.
Great start to this story! I particularly loved how the tension between Jenna and her dad at first seemed related only to her mother and the changing of schools, but how some supernatural/fantasy elements slowly emerged.
One thing I would like to see a little more of here are Jenna's thoughts. I understand that you don't want to give away too much in the first chapter, but maybe when she sees the road sign, there's a moment where she remembers similar things happening. Or maybe a little memory of her mom, or when her dad didn't act like he does now. Just a little something from her perspective to give us some insight into her character. c: Along with that, maybe a little description of her car--is it familiar or unfamiliar? Is it new or old? Just a little detail about the seat she's in might give some context if you want to weave that in there as well.
Nice job with writing this! If you have any questions about my review, or about YWS in general, feel free to reply here or send me a PM. I'd be happy to help! Also, if you post a second part to this and want me to review it, feel free to tag me.
Have a lovely day!
-Q
Points: 5966
Reviews: 498
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