z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

North Side

by Silmarillion99


Rain lashed on the car windows, the wipers moving furiously to clear the windshield. Jenna sat with her chin resting on her hand, staring morosely at the raging storm outside and drumming her fingers on the cold leather passenger seat.

Her dad, Joe Morgan, was trying to catch her eye while still watching the road, but wasn't doing too well on either task. She had been resolutely looking the other direction for the last half hour, and twice now he had swerved off the highway completely in his attempts. The silence between them was deafening, but Jenna had no intention of breaking it.

Finally her father coughed. "Jen," he said crisply. "It's going to turn out fine. Just three months, then you can come back if you like." There was no answer. "This is what your mother wanted and I don't mean to let her down."

Eventually Jenna spoke. "You really think mom would have sent me away like this?" Her voice was flat. Empty. Hollow. There was none of the vibrant emotion or lively energy that once defined her. "Mom wouldn't have pushed me away."

"I'm not pushing you away…"

"Then what do you call this?" she asked, turning to face him. "Two hours ago, you told me to pack my things and get in the car. Then you said that I was going to some boarding school for special kids for at least three months. Now you won't tell me where it is or why I'm even going. Why can't I stay at Chelsea Academy?"

"Because there have been too many incidents," he answered, turning his gaze back to the road.

"Incidents that had nothing to do with me."

"They had everything to do with you."

"I told you what happened, but you won't believe me."

"I wonder why that is."

"I'm NOT insane!"

"You could fool me."

Jen started to reply, then stopped. Her usually pale face was now flushed and a tendril of curly black hair had found its way into her mouth. Furiously, she spat it out, rubbed a hand across her stinging eyes and returned to watching the rain. The silence settled once more.

Ten minutes later, they turned off of the highway. She caught only a glimpse of the exit sign, but the words made absolutely no sense to her: Éxodos Pénte, Vóreia Plevrá.She was about to ask her father what it meant, before remembering her resentment. It wasn't until they turned again onto a winding dirt road that curiosity got the better of her.

"What did the sign at the exit mean?"

"What, can't you read?"

"Normal English, yes, but not that gibberish."

His brows contracted in frustration. "That gibberish is normal English. It said 'Exit 5, North Side'. Stop pretending you're illiterate."

She stared at him. Was he messing with her? Somehow it didn't seem likely. He had absolutely no sense of humor since Jenna's mom died. Why kill a two-year streak?

"The sign didn't read that," she said slowly. "It was gibberish, like a completely different language." He slammed on the brakes and the car came to a screeching halt.

"See? This is why you can't stay at Chelsea!" he shouted. Jen would have been mortified about other people hearing him, but the road they were on was silent and deserted. "You seem to see things that aren't really there," he continued, "and hear things that no one else does. Do you think that's normal? Do you think that's okay? Because it's NOT."

He revved the car again, not even waiting to see his daughter's reaction to the outburst. This was probably a good thing. Jenna never wanted people to see her cry like she did now. Especially her dad.


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Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:31 pm
Que wrote a review...



Hello, Silmarillion! Welcome to YWS. :)

I hope you don't mind if I review your story today; it's a very lovely start! I just have a few suggestions for things that you might change to make it better.

Her dad, Joe Morgan, was trying to catch her eye while still watching the road, but wasn't doing too well on either task. She had been resolutely looking the other direction for the last half hour, and twice now he had swerved off the highway completely in his attempts. The silence between them was deafening, but Jenna had no intention of breaking it.

Here, you establish a great sense of tension. However, since this is written in Jenna's perspective, I'm not sure this is the best time to slip her dad's name in there. Think about how often you think of your parent by his/her full name--I bet it's not very often! Calling him 'Dad' should be enough. :)

Also, in the second sentence here, there's a bit of confusion. You write that Jenna is looking away, but that her father is swerving off the highway because of it. Is he looking away rather than her? Are both of them avoiding eye contact? It's also possible that you might want to add "nearly swerved off the highway", because actually swerving off the highway--especially in the rain--is a pretty big deal!

Speaking of roads...
It wasn't until they turned again onto a winding dirt road that curiosity got the better of her.

I'm not sure that there would be a dirt road right off a highway? But maybe they're out in the country where the highway is just a little two-land thing that's a lot easier to pull onto and off of. This makes me feel like we should be seeing a little more of the scenery! You do a great job of describing the storm, and it's probably blocking what Jenna would be able to see, but it would be nice to have the context of city/country space, mountains or plains.

"Incidents that had nothing to do with me."

"They had everything to do with you."

"I told you what happened, but you won't believe me."

"I wonder why that is."

"I'm NOT insane!"

"You could fool me."

I like this exchange between Jenna and her dad, but maybe you could include another dialogue tag or two? Maybe just something like, "'I'm NOT insane!' Jenna spat." to break it up a little and show some of their emotions.

Éxodos Pénte, Vóreia Plevrá.

Cool! I love that Jen is reading a sign in a different language. However, I think she might not call it gibberish so much as saying it's a different language, and wondering if they were in a different country? Gibberish for me would be something including numbers and figures that don't even register as words in my mind.

Great start to this story! :D I particularly loved how the tension between Jenna and her dad at first seemed related only to her mother and the changing of schools, but how some supernatural/fantasy elements slowly emerged.

One thing I would like to see a little more of here are Jenna's thoughts. I understand that you don't want to give away too much in the first chapter, but maybe when she sees the road sign, there's a moment where she remembers similar things happening. Or maybe a little memory of her mom, or when her dad didn't act like he does now. Just a little something from her perspective to give us some insight into her character. c: Along with that, maybe a little description of her car--is it familiar or unfamiliar? Is it new or old? Just a little detail about the seat she's in might give some context if you want to weave that in there as well.

Nice job with writing this! If you have any questions about my review, or about YWS in general, feel free to reply here or send me a PM. I'd be happy to help! Also, if you post a second part to this and want me to review it, feel free to tag me. :)

Have a lovely day!

-Q






Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback and will definitely use you're suggestions. Thank you and good luck on any writing projects that you're currently working on :)



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Sun Oct 21, 2018 8:25 am
GAma1404 wrote a review...



Hi,
I enjoyed reading the chapter from your novel North Side. You structured it very well and certain words and sentences stood out for me such as "Rain lashed on the car windows..." and Jenna not reading the sign in English but in that language. Overall, I think you wrote your chapter well as there was lots of description and action through the dialogue and the characters were easy to imagine, they seemed real. Well done!

GAma1404






Thank you so much for the feedback!




"And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland