Through Ari's Eyes
She awoke to the sound of the bell, the noise ringing around her head, echoing inside her. Her body trembled as it vibrated through her, stroking her bones with a deft hand. Groaning slightly, she rolled onto her stomach, burrowing her face into her filthy, makeshift pillow. One more minute. She thought, shivering underneath her thin, tattered green blanket. One more minute Mom and I swear I'll finish my chores. A rough hand shook her shoulder, the bitter smell of whiskey filling her nose.
"Ari, time to wake." This voice was masculine, rough but not unkind.
She forced one eye open, staring out the dingy window that illuminated the world around her. "I want to sleep." She whimpered.
The man wrapped his arms around her waist, gently lifting her off the ground. "Come. You must work today."
Tears of frustration sprang into Ari's eyes. Who was this old man?! Why couldn't he understand that all she wanted to do was sleep?! She shook herself free, glaring at him with anger filled eyes. His face hit her, and the memories crashed upon her once more like a breaking tidal wave. He had dark, sunken blue eyes and a receding gray hair line. His chin was specked with a dark, but faint, stubble, shining with filth against his pale skin. His skin hung in folds off of his gaunt face, his black shirt too big on his scrawny shoulder blades. A fresh tear leaked down her face, breaking a clear line in the grime that hid her features.
He pulled her into a rough embrace. "Don't cry." He said grimly. "You can't let them see you cry."
"I know." Her voice broke as she pulled away, her silvery eyes wandering around the room.
The room was dark, the only light filtering in from five, small and horribly dirty windows that lined the wall behind her. Stone columns scattered throughout the building, holding up the cracking roof, preventing it from falling down upon them. Maybe it should just fall. She thought bitterly. At least that way I can see my family again. Shaking her head, she forced a smile at the old man, kneeling down next to her bed roll, pulling a boar bristle bush free from the folds of her blankets. Her hands trembled along the handle, marveling at the wealth she had once belonged too. A gasp escaped her mouth as the memory bore down upon her, fresh and bleeding raw.
She jumped for the handle of her door, stopping to grab a high-polished oak wood brush that sat upon her night stand. Of all the things she could have grabbed...her jewelry, the framed picture of her family. She chose the brush that her mother had bought her that very day.
"Ari!!" The voice of a boy filled the air, high pitched and full of fear.
"Adrian!" She threw the door open, a blasting heat striking her across the face.
Terror ran through her body as her eyes darted around the flames, trying to find an opening.
"Mother!" She screamed.
No reply. Ari sobbed, her hand tight around her brush. She jumped back as a flame touched her skin, the smell of burning flesh entering the air. A scream of pain was torn from her lips and she was driven to her knees. Ari lay there, her breathing quick and shallow, to desperate to move. Finally, by some sheer luck, she glanced up just as an opening emerged through the flames. Leaping up, she raced for it, a bird of hope taking flight inside her.
"Adrian! Hang on! I'm coming!"
She shook her head, banishing the memory before it could complete itself. Throwing another strained smile at the man, she ran the brush through her once silky brown curls, wincing slightly as a ripping sound filled the silent room, tearing several strands of hair along with it. A few dark bundles turned their pale faces to stare at her, gaunt and sickly with hunger. Sighing heavily, she straightened her grimy black dress, reaching into the brown burlap bag that she had been using as her pillow. She pulled out a silky gold apron, her eyes darkening with longing as she fondled the luxurious fabric. Slipping the apron around her neck, she stood and slipped on slim black flats, tying her hair up with a dark green ribbon that had previously been tied around her pale wrist.
"Smile, girl." The old man grunted, sitting down onto his bed roll once more, staring up at her with slanted eyes. "You know they like you better when you smile."
Her heart twisted with gratitude. She knelt before him, pressing her hand to the side of his face in an expression of affection. "I know, Daron. Rest today, okay? I will bring you some food later if I am in the neighborhood." The promise of food brought a hungry gleam to Daron's eyes.
"Aye, Ari. Be safe." He pressed two fingers to his lips, touching them to her forehead gently.
She stood once more and made her way through the dozing people, nodding to the few that were stirring, readying themselves for a day of hard labor. Compared to them, the life of a servant wasn't all that terrible. Her footsteps echoed softly around the stone room, the damp chill of the building sinking into her skin. The unshakable drip-drip of water filled the building, a consistent utterance that she had long since become accustomed too. After two years however, she had still not grown used to the rotten smell of sickness and decay that defiled the air. Ahead of her lay a beaten down wood door, wrought iron bars the only thing that kept it together. Grabbing the handle, she swung it open, wincing as the ear-splitting crack that shot through the room. She rose her hand in a silent apology as she slipped out, pulling the door shut with some difficulty behind her. Immediately, the sun began to warm her skin, thawing the invisible sheen of ice that settled over her throughout the night. She raised her face to the sun, a reluctant smile spreading across her face. Gentle pinks spilled out over the sky, splashes of red filling thin spaces here and there.
She closed her eyes, feeling the wind stir through her brown curls, a sigh of a laugh escaping her throat as the ends of her hair tickled her neck. Her hand strayed up to the ribbon, slightly worried that the breeze had undone the fragile bow. To her relief, it remained intact. Her eyes slid open, and she was off again, her feet marching up the three stone steps that led to the 'outside' world. Ari kept her head down as she entered the thong of people, allowing herself to be swept up in their wake. A few snickers followed her, some rude comments hurled in her direction. She ignored them, following the familiar path that had been drilled into her mind months ago.
The rich, tantalizing smells of fresh pastries filled her nose, enticing her to look. Raising her head, Ari eyed the small bakery shop that stood at the end of the street, her hand straying to a hidden pocket that lay within the folds of her petticoat. Her small hand closed around a tiny handful of coins, the frigid silver settling into her palm. Daron would love a pastry... She thought, her mouth filling with saliva. Suddenly, she shook her head, breaking from the trance that had engaged her. No. Ari ripped her hand from her pocket, releasing the silvers and listening to them clash together in her pocket in a desperate appeal of protest. He needs real food. She ducked her head once more, quickening her pace.
She hardly glanced up as the atmosphere around her began to change. The people that walked beside her faded form every-day workers to rich nobles and Kingsmen, their fancy clothing sweeping the ground beneath them like elaborate, jewel adorned brooms. Even the floor beneath her brown-clad feet had changed. It had gone from a trampled dirt road to an elaborate mosaic of painted tiles. Bitter resentment swept within her as she eyed the street. How can these people live with themselves? While sickness and poverty is sweeping the world around them, they remain here and sit in their silk cushions and eat their fancy pastries when they could be helping! Of course, she knew it was much more complicated than that. The King's new "social reform" had taken care of that.
She raised her head as she grew closer to her destination. Slipping out of the crowd, she turned down an alleyway, realizing with rising anxiety that she might end up late. A startled scream escaped her lips as she ran headlong into a solid mass, sending her flying back onto her rump. Anger blossomed within her and she glared up at the one who had caused her fall, her eyes widening with slight fear as he gazed down at her with a blank expression. His dark hazel eyes bore into her's, long, shaggy black hair falling around his tanned face. A lump formed in her throat as she scrambled to her feet, brushing of her dress rapidly. He was hardly older than herself, perhaps seventeen, but the aged lines that ran along his smooth face made him appear that much older. He wore a long black coat, a dark gray shirt hugging his torso and black pants wrapping around his thighs. A heavy weapons' belt glinted at her, drawing her attention to the multiple knifes that were strapped to his waist. His gaze froze her in place and his silence suffocated her. She dipped into a trembling curtsy, straining to remain upright.
"My apologies, sir." Ari murmured, her lips frozen with a sudden terror that she could not explain.
She glanced up as he remained silent, gazing at her with his steely look. Suddenly, another man appeared at his side, appearing to be just a year or two younger than the first. The newcomer had wide, welcoming aqua-blue eyes when they met with hers, causing her to relax visibly. Golden blond hair framed his face, a soft smile playing on his pastel lips. She watched at his hand closed around his companion's, tugging his arm gently.
"Come, Night. Jessie will be wondering where we've gone off too." His voice was pleasant and sweet to her ears.
Night nodded stiffly, sweeping past Ari without a passing glance. Her shoulders dropped with relief and she sagged against the alley wall, her breath coming out in great gaps. Her eyes followed their receding backs until she lost them in the crowd. Who were those two?
Through Winter's Eyes
There's something truly magical about this morning. Perhaps it's the sky? Winter scrunched his nose, looking out the window at the heavens, painted with the softest pinks and the most daring reds. Perhaps it's the food? It certainly was delicious - a fine delicacy only obtainable through wealth and class. A maid deftly refilled his glass, empty of the fruity wine he had been rather enjoying. He caught her eyes (such a pretty shade of blue) and winked, causing her to blush before scurrying off.
No, it's definitely these little maids. Oh so many girls, so little time. Smirking to himself he picked up his fork and continued surveying the room. A cough to his right brought back his attention and he turned to find his dear (and quite possibly best) friend, Chad. The boy had an air about him that was hard to describe. He radiated power and he could control a room with one look. He seemed as though he belonged with the gold plates and pressed clothing. His facial features only added to that- a straight nose, his high cheekbones and dark hair that matched his equally dark eyes.
Nothing at all like Winter. No he was more of a ladies man; soft features and a pale, almost sickly, frame. But his confidence and signature smirk brought them in, time and time again. "Yes? What is it?"
"Don't seduce my workers- I wouldn't want any of them to become as filthy as you. Even having them in the same room as you is tainting them." Chads tone was sharp, and his eyes (always something about those eyes) cut into his very soul. But after years of putting up with his behavior, Winter had learned to find the small hint of teasing in his voice.
Feigning hurt, Winter brought his hands to his chest and sniffed slightly. "Your words wound me, dear friend! How dare you accuse me of- oh well aren't you a pretty thing?"
The maid he had referred to squeaked at the sudden attention and continued to go about her duties. He didn't mind though, this gave him quite a view. "Exactly what I am talking about. They can hardly move after you flirt with them!" Sighing, Chad picked up his glass and took a long sip, hoping for some relief of a monstrous headache. (Caused by a much too enthusiastic Winter that had woken him up at an ungodly hour)
Winter gave a casual shrug. "That's supposed to be my problem?" He grinned again as another young girl slid by, trying desperately to avoid his gaze.
Chad balled up his napkin and placed it on his plate in a docile but stern movement. "Let's go."
A small frown touched the corner of Winter's lips. "Come now, don't be like that."
Chad pulled his friend to his feet. "I must speak with you in a more...ah...private surrounding."
Winter huffed, wiping his mouth in a quick manner before throwing the soft cloth onto his plate. "But I haven't finished my drink." He reached for his glass once more, savoring the liquid as it slid down his throat.
Chad curled his lip in slight annoyance. "I must be home soon for my lessons and this cannot wait."
With a heavy sigh, Winter pushed his chair back and stood, stretching his arms high above his head. He let his eyes wander again, ignoring Chad's impatient teeth clatter. People of all high social status gathered here; silk green dresses mixed in with more placid creams and blues. A quiet murmur fluttered through the room, conversations floating through the air like this wispy clouds just out of reach. Tall oak doors stood to the right, the handle elaborately leafed with gold and silver. The walls were washed with a faded gold, a dark brown wood trim lining the edges near the floor. Pure white, opaque lace curtains blew gently inward with the breeze, the golden light bounding off of dust particles as it filtered in as thin streams into the room.Tired of waiting, Chad turned and headed towards a different set of doors, slightly smaller than the first set but stainless glass. Winter took the first few steps to follow him but paused at a small sound behind them.
"Master." The voice was small and feminine.
Winter turned, a flirtatious smile already plastered on his face. In front of him stood a small framed girl, her brown curly hair falling gracefully from a silk green ribbon, a few strands slipping loose and framing her face. She hastily brushed her bangs from her wide gray eyes. A deep black dress hugged her body, a bright gold apron fastened around her neck and waist.
"Hello, my dear. Would you like to come play with me?" His voice was coy and his sea green eyes sparkling with glee. He heard a small chuckle from Chad and turned to his friend but paused as the girl responded.
"I may be a servant but I don't appreciate being talked down too as if I am just an object of pleasure. I am a human and would appreciate as being such, sir." Her voice was curt and stinging, but filled with a forced respect.
Chad walked forward and clapped Winter on the shoulder. "I guess I should have warned you about this one." His eyes shone with a true compassion for the girl. He walked forward and embraced her quickly before turning back to Winter. "Winter, this is Ari. Ari, this is Winter; he's really not as bad as he seems." He murmured in her ear.
A warm smile replaced Winter's flirtatious one. "Its a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lady. " In a complete change of attitude, he took her hand in a chivalrous manner and pressed it quaintly to his lush lips.
Chad slung his arm over her shoulders. "Come, girl, lets go." He said warmly.
Ari gave him a small, but passionate smile as she trailed behind them out the glass doors. Outside, beds of flowers trailed beside them, the shiny cobble stone path clicking beneath their feet. Chad fastened his arm firmly around Winter's shoulder and dragged him a few paces away, just out of Ari's ear shot. The girl waited patiently away, her hands folded neatly in her lap and her eyes focused on empty space.
"How is Jessie?" Chad's eyes flickered between Winter's, anxiety clear on his handsome features.
Winter gave his friend a small chuckle. "Fine; missing you, but fine all the same."
"When are you guys available?"
"Come with us, Chad. Forget your lessons for once. They can't be that important can they be?"
He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Mother has been saying I should take a day to myself..." He trailed off in thought.
Winter slapped his friend on the back with a bark of a laugh. "Let's go." He spared a glance at Ari. "Ditch her and we can go meet the others."
Chad's eyes hardened slightly. "Ari's coming." His voice was flat and unquestioning. He turned and waved the girl over. "Ari, we're not going home."
She dipped into a small curtsy. "Would you like me to find a messenger to tell your parents?" She couldn't help the taint of curiosity that slid into her voice.
He gave her a gentle smile. "Let me do that. I need to pay the bill anyway. Stay here with Winter." Turning, he vanished back inside without another word.
Winter turned quizzical eyes onto her. "I've heard a lot about you; Ari is it? Short for Ariel?"
She shook her head. "No, sir, just Ari." Her weary gray eyes traveled over him. "I have heard stories of you." She finished after a moment's pause.
Winter sighed slightly. Who is this girl to him? Looking her over, he could tell that the girl was well-nourished for her stance in society but the dirt and grime that covered what he guessed were pretty features said otherwise. She carried herself like a respected lady; her back straight and her chin raised ever so slightly. Her hands were clasped patiently in her lap and her lips were pressed together in a respectable fashion. A touch of a frown slid across his face once more. There's something different about this girl. He could see the faint outline of a sparkling silver chain that ran around her neck and vanished underneath the confines of her dress. Not something a servant could afford. He was startled out of his stupor when Ari spoke again.
"If you have questions, sir, ask. Please do not stare." Her voice was light and had lost some of its hostility that she had carried inside the restaurant.
He gave her an apologetic smile. "You are a friend of Chad's?"
She dipped her head in a nod. "The more accurate terms is servant, I guess, but yes, I consider him a close friend, sir." She added awkwardly.
He waved his hand. "Drop the 'sir' Ari, please. I hear sir and turn around to look for my father." Her name rolled off of his tongue smoothly. "Where did you guys meet?" He jumped as Chad's voice came from behind him.
"Her family was....affected by the Great Fire. Her mother was a seamstress that worked for our family. We thought Ari had been lost to the fire but a few years later she showed up at our door step asking for work."
A harsh realization hit Winter. Her entire family... He gave the girl a heavy look. "I'm sorry for your loss, Ari." He said softly.
The girl turned her eyes to the floor, but said nothing. Chad gave her a reassuring smile and pulled Winter along. "Lets go meet our friends."
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Hi, Joe again.
I'm here after reading your prologue, "Ryker's Dream". I mentioned there that I'm not usually a fan of dream sequences starting a story with yours as an exception. Assuming you plan on having the prologue paired with the first chapter in the final script, I have to voice a little objection to having a dream sequence, a waking sequence, and another waking sequence. Too often stories start with a character waking up. I'm sure you've heard the advice, "Start in the action." That has to be my advice here. There's a lot of great material here, but much of it could honestly be skipped and actually benefit the story. It could be as small as starting with Ari drooling over forbidden pastries, or as big of a jump as going straight to Winter flirting with this servant girl who doesn't act like a servant. While you have a lot of exposition covered in this chapter, I feel a lot of it is unimportant or, worse, neglecting the reader a good mystery. Leave some questions unanswered for now.
All of that being said, your writing is fantastic. It's vivid, it's compelling, it has great momentum, and it's peppered with intrigue. You set a scene beautifully. These two sentences stood out to me:
Instantly I could see this room in my mind. But the best part in my opinion was you didn't linger. You set up the scene with precision and brevity and moved on. I see the same thing throughout this chapter, and it is possibly one of your bigger strengths.
I'm starting to get slightly lost with characters, however. Ari, Daron, Winter and Chat stick out to me as characters with unique voices. But the other characters introduced so far- Night, his companion, Ryker, Jasper, and the yet-to-be-met-but-plenty mentioned Jessie- are still just blurs in my mind and I'm not sure how many more major characters I can process right now. I'll see how chapter 2 does, but I'm hoping to find more depth on the existing cast members than more introductions.
I'll be moving on to review chapter 2 soon. This is a great work with a lot of potential, and your writing is solid. Keep at it.
Joe
Hello on this wonderful Review Day! I really like this story a lot so far. You did a good job on integrating Ari's past and making it sound more genuine instead of just talking about the Great Fire as a sort of introduction. The only thing I'm a little confused about is the timeline. I'm guessing you'll be including some background on where she had been during the two years after the fire and before she met up with Chad again, but you mentioned "'a few years later'" near the end of this chapter. It was only a two year gap, right, as Ari referenced at the beginning, or is it longer than that? All you need to do is modify one of those parts to make both resemble the other.
One thing I recommend you do is divide your three longest paragraphs into multiple pieces. The introduction of Night was almost too long to be able to keep track of, and the other two begin with "Wirh a heavy sigh Winter" and "Winter sighed slightly." By cutting these down a little, you don't scare of your potential readers. People can get a little nervous seeing really long paragraphs.
One other thing is that I don't think you need to include the ellipses, since they don't really add anything in your story. For example, you could change the sentences "high-polished oak wood brush that sat upon her night stand. Of all the things she could have grabbed...her jewelry, the framed picture of her family. She chose the brush that her mother had bought her that very day" into "Of all the things she could have grabbed, she chose the brush her mother had recently bought for her." This way, you can combine your ideas, and get rid of unnecessary dividers.
Overall, this was really good! Your characters are interesting, an the plot seems very wide-open, which is a good thing. You have a lot of directions you could take this story. Good luck with future writing! I hope this helped!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Wow. Where to start with this. It was amazing. From the very first word you had me drawn in, picturing everything that was happening. Your characters were completely believable and you created such a sense of sympathy for Ari. Winter and Chad are just adorable. Winter, in fact, reminds me of my best friend. I fell in love with the way Winter is and how Chad acts. This story is just beautiful. I can see everything that's happening in my minds eye as it happens. The way Ari's hair moves as she walks. Chads dark eyes glinting. Winter's flirty smile. You have used descriptive language to perfection. The story line is just amazing. It is original and drew me in straight away. there is so much i could say about this....it's so amazing. I cannot wait to find and read the next chapter. Well done this was amazing!
Thank you :3 hopefully I'll have the next chapter posted in the next few days
Wow. Where to start with this. It was amazing. From the very first word you had me drawn in, picturing everything that was happening. Your characters were completely believable and you created such a sense of sympathy for Ari. Winter and Chad are just adorable. Winter, in fact, reminds me of my best friend. I fell in love with the way Winter is and how Chad acts. This story is just beautiful. I can see everything that's happening in my minds eye as it happens. The way Ari's hair moves as she walks. Chads dark eyes glinting. Winter's flirty smile. You have used descriptive language to perfection. The story line is just amazing. It is original and drew me in straight away. there is so much i could say about this....it's so amazing. I cannot wait to find and read the next chapter. Well done this was amazing!