Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Through Jasper's eyes
Jasper walked quickly away from the alley, darting one lasting glance to the rapidly retreating figure behind them. A faint wisp of wonder about the girl entered his mind but he cleared it quickly. Now was not the time to be distracted by idle thoughts. His long black coat swept around his legs as he walked down the crowded streets, the silver of his the weapons resting loyally on his hip glinting in the morning sun. He grimaced slightly in the heat, but made no move to remove his coat. A slight breeze ran its long fingers through his dark brown hair, showing more of his hazel eyes. His companion walked in step beside him, having to walk twice as fast to match his long strides, but not the slightest sound of complaint escaped his lips.
"Jasper." His friend lay a hand on his arm.
Jasper halted with an slightly irritated sigh. "What is it now Ryker? Are you going to reprimand me for the way I treated that girl?" His voice was snide.
A small smile touched Ryker's pale face. "No, my friend." He turned and pointed down a narrow alley that was a few paces behind them. "I just thought I'd let you know we passed our destination."
Jasper pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Let's go." He turned and set of for the surprising dark alley without another word.
A headache had sprung in Jasper's head, a slow throbbing that began just behind his eyes. He tried to shake it but the annoyance remained. A small shiver of relief ran through him as they stepped back into the shade. The days were slowly growing warmer as the summer months slid by and the city was the hottest place to be during this time. Unlike the bustling streets they had just left, the alley Jasper and Ryker entered now was heavily shadowed by towering buildings around them. Grimy looking windows dotted the walls here and there and a occasional door leading out the back. He made his way through the narrow street, his eyes scanning the shadows around them. Ryker carried on about two paces behind him, his breathing silent and his footsteps in match with Jasper's. Finally he stopped at one of the doors; it had been pushed ajar just so, a faint bar of golden light spilling out its cracks. He turned to Ryker, his eyebrow raised in silent question.
"You're sure this is the right place?" His dark eyes locked with Ryker's gentle aqua ones.
"I'm sure." Ryker's voice was steady.
Jasper paused for a moment to survey his partner. Ryker had shaggy black that fell down into his aqua blue eyes, one eye barley darker than the other. A white shirt stretched across his narrow shoulders a pale blue clock hugged his slender frame. Pants similar to Jasper's hugged his legs, ending in a flare just below his feet. He gave his friend a slightly reluctant smile before pulling a thin blade from his belt.
"Wait here." His voice turned crisp once more.
Ryker nodded, switching back to their given bynames. "As you wish, Night."
Jasper grimaced slightly. These names are ridiculous. "I'll be back in a few minutes Star." The name still felt foreign on his tongue.
He moved closer to the open door, his slender blade in his hand. He pressed the other against the dark oak, nudging it open with a gentle dip of his hand. Gently and very quietly, Jasper pressed his eye against the small opening, looking into the room; inside was a disaster. Broken bits of furniture were scattered all over the room, shards of shinning glass glittering in every direction. The entire room reeked of smoke, a small bundle of clothes and other worldly possessions alight in the far corner. The only light that came into the room was from a rusted iron chandelier that swung precariously from the ceiling. What had once been a nice, well respected and upscale tavern, had been demolished to splinters and ashes. Three men stood in the room, all dressed in black clothing and a hood to hide their faces. Between them they held a bound young girl, her blond hair falling across her face in sweaty strands. Her chest was spilling out of her dress, which had been crudely cut to do just so. The skirts of the once luxurious fabric were torn to bits, the gentle pinks and purples muddied with soot and mud and the soft white of her petticoat shinning through. The corset around her waist was tied just a little too tight; the left over string used to tie her hands behind her back. This is going to be harder than I thought. He thought with a small sigh. One of the men held a blade to her throat, needle points of blood building up against it.
"Just tell us where the money is, girl." The second one snarled, yanking her head back but the soft strands of her hair.
"I-I told yo-you." She stammered, tears spilling down her otherwise fair face. "I-I-I d-don-don't kn-know!" A hiccup finished the end of her sentence.
The third man leaned in closer, blocking the other's view of the door and Jasper's view of the girl. "I say we teach her a lesson for lying to our Lord."
He chose that moment to slide in. Opening the door just wide enough for him to slither through, he carefully closed it again behind him without a sound. In one fluid movement he slid into a pile of shadows that lurked in the corner, blending in naturally. He waited for another moment, wondering about this 'Lord'. He knew very well that something shady had been going on in the city for a while now, but this is the first he would have a chance to gain real information. Besides, He thought to himself, Her problems won't go away unless I eliminate the source. This was his fifth job dealing with goons such as this. Usually it was a family member or a nosy neighbor who reported the crimes; but this time it was the girl's fiance, to cowardly to go in himself. Jasper knew all to well the damage that these criminals could inflict. Most of the time it took him two to three days to get to a job or to even hear the message. By the time he arrived most of the time the goons were long gone, leaving nothing but a bloody mess and barley breathing body. This time they were lucky. Ryker, or Star as he preferred to be called during business occasions, had received the message late last night at the pub they were staying. They set out instantly, leaving the fiance, a young writer, back with their other companions.
Jasper stepped out of the shadows, his hazel eyes glinting in the low light. The three men were now totally engrossed in a conversation of what to do to the poor girl. He spared a glance down at his blade, admiring the high quality silver. His entire weapons set had been a gift from a grateful blacksmith in a small town west of here when he saved the man's daughters from an overly vengeful witch. The hilt had been engraved with the blacksmith's insignia, two wings on either side of a laurel wreath. He ran his finger against the edge of the blade in slight wonderment, wincing slightly as it slid easily through his finger. Since he relieved them, over a year ago now, he had completed over seventy jobs and he had naught once had to sharpen any of them or have the steel replaced. He raised it above his head, throwing it straight in to the base of the third man's neck, the knife sinking in with a sickening thud. He wobbled for a minute before falling to the side, blood pooling around his head. The other two looked up in shock at Jasper, the only think visible about them was their eyes. One had a dark brown eyes that were tinged with fear while the other had a pair of stubborn hazel eyes, very similar to his own.
"I suggest you walk away; unless you want to end up like your friend here." His voice was calm as he pulled another blade form his belt. This one was longer, about half the length of his arm and slightly heavier than the last.
"Who the hell are you?" The man with hazel eyes asked, narrowing them to pointed slits.
Jasper gestured with his thumb back towards the door. "If you ask the man standing out there I'm Night." He took another step forward. "Personally, I don't like that name but its not really my choice." His voice was casual as he moved closer to them.
Both men backed away from the girl hesitantly. "You have no business here." Came the arrogant voice of the hazel eyed man.
Jasper's eyes flashed slightly. "On the contrary. I was contracted to retrieve something of high value for my employer." He stopped now to stoop down and pull the blade free of the third man's neck. "And you see; I don't really appreciate when people get in my way."
"You're an assassin." The man with brown eyes finally uttered, a slight tremor sneaking into his voice.
"Ah; that is such a distasteful word." He couldn't help the sly smile that slid over his face. "Now, who's ready to fight?"
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Hey there, Junel here for a review day review! Normally I try to at least skim previous chapters, if not review them, but I'm not doing that today. So if I say something stupid, that I should know from earlier in your story, please forgive me.
First the boring nitpicks and suggestions for edits:
First off, a few of your paragraphs are REALLY long. This can cause eyestrain and quickly deter and scare readers away. It's fine once in a while, but here you should probably try to split some of this up a bit.
Are you talking about their hair? If so add that in.
This made me laugh and like your character, so good job.
Although another comment about the names right after feels repetitious and kinda ruins it.
This whole thing kinda is much longer than it needs to be and so it comes off as repetitious. Additionally, even if you weren't to shorten it, you use the words slide or slid quite a few times, so maybe find a new way to describe their movements.
I can't say a ton of your story or character building (since I haven't read the first chapter), but this story really caught my interest, I'll have to try and remember it and come back to read the beginning some time. I hope this review is helpful to you and in your writing endeavors. Good luck!
Sláinte -Junel
Hey, Joe again. Let's get down to it.
I'll be honest with you here- this chapter is not as strong as your prologue or first chapter. I get the feeling you didn't spend as much time on it, length aside.
Over the course of the story, I've noticed you have a tendency to describe peoples eyes a lot, and you use three commonly: hazel, aqua, and silver. In this chapter alone, you used "aqua" twice and "hazel" five times. To avoid this in the future, my suggestion is always to let writing ferment for at least a day, or longer if you can stand it. Don't look at it at all. Then, when you do, read the entire thing start to finish out loud. Distance can help you develop objectivity.
While I've complimented your brisk and concise imagery in previous chapters, in this chapter it's actually a distraction. The worst offender here is when you take an entire paragraph in the middle of an action scene to describe Jasper's knife. I'm always preaching about momentum in a story. You'll hear that word from me time and again. When you start gaining speed, you need to either grow it, maintain it, or back it down. When you start throwing lengthy and irrelevant descriptions into action sequences, your story is going from 60mph to 10mph and then back up to 60mph. Cut the frills. Don't describe the knife; just throw it already.
All of that being said, the over-arching story is gaining speed and I like where it's going. Realizing Jasper is Night has suddenly drawn all the characters and their brief interactions together, and I look forward to the webbing tightening and the conflicts that will arise when it does. I love the voice of the story. It's full of mystery, tragedy, and humor all at once.
I'll be following you and keeping up with the story as long as that's all right. I'd like to see what comes of it. Reply to this review if you ever update this chapter and I'll be happy to take another look.
Keep writing.
Joe