Published October 2, 2011
8 years ago…
She dashed as fast as her legs would carry her, grinning to herself. After 5 miserable months, it had been done. Was that sulfur she smelled? Was that a five year olds voice screaming “Daddy? Daddy?” Or was that just the crackle of fire?
Suddenly, she felt the concrete drop underneath her. She dropped right onto a bean bag and immediately looked around, her eyes landing on a figure sitting on a throne that looked like it was made from scrap metal.
“Teresa,” he said in a quiet and deadly voice,” Is the execution….executed?”
No matter how many times Teresa saw him, he always unnerved her. “Yes,” she replied.
“And the boy?”
“Alive just like you wanted,” Teresa answered.
“Excellent. We can now move onto stage two. Alert Malazar and Benozite. Fire up the Machine. Oh, and, keep an eye over the boy. He is crucial to my plan.”
“Yes Master,” said Teresa, “I will not disappoint you.”
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,750 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
That's a rather chaotic first paragraph that we've got here, you just get a sense of things happening one after another in a cascading series of evetns almost there, with how short these sentences are the general sense of excitement gong on here. The imagery itself is a bit confusing, we have running, a five year old calling out and then concrete and falling onto a bean bag. That one's a bti harder to follow but for the most part, this is a decent start that certainly gets your attention.
Well isn't that rather mysterious, execution can mean a lot of things, but judging fromt the way that the question is asked in this context I can't help but think this is all about some form of murder and this was a target that this person had to eliminate, and perhaps the five months and the five year old girl is connected to this.
Hmm, well it looks like whatever target was removed perhaps had to also do with acquiring this boy that was left alive. Well, you certianly get a sense of some kind of grand scheme in action and the first step of it is what was completed with the murder of this one person and what I assume is potentially kidnapping this other boy...well, this is certainly a very intriguing start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! I always get stuck on titles myself, so don't worry too much about that x) I'm sure one will come to you in time!
It's really a minor detail, but in stories, all number should be written out. So 5 should become five.To be honest, this beginning was a little confusing. It would be better if you opened the story up with some description of where Teresa was. All we know is that she's running (happily I assume because you mention her grinning) Then she smells sulfur, then she falls down a trap door, next thing we know there's this King in front of her and they're talking about some kind of Weapon and Benozite and whatshisface... it's just a lot of information to give the reader right up front. I get the feeling like this is an awesome, epic plot, but it's coming at me way too fast. Try to ease out way into it, and slow things down with detail and description.
Keep writing! And let me know if you need help or anything
blacksheep
Hi there Silkworm! Welcome to YWS and that's also a very pretty username
So, due to the fact that this piece is extremely short, there won't be a lot to say. However, I really felt that you did well in writing this good, albeit a little short, prologue. You have done well in writing suspense and adding that always needed hint of intrigue. A pat on the back for you!
However, you should really consider switching up some wording. It's kind of like you wrote this on the go and didn't look at it afterwards and just posted. Using an expanded vocabulary can really be fantastic in even the shortest of creative fiction pieces because it personalizes it for the audience and/or reader. For example:
Most definitely this needs a rewording and I think you might already know that. Sometimes, in order to write a story, it takes something to grab a thesaurus and look up a synonym (or, if need, an antonym). Also, there are many thesaurus-like websites out in the internet that are easy to find. Just search 'online thesaurus' in a search engine.
Lastly, I know I seem to be working backwards, but that's how I roll at one in the morning
I think it's a really nice start and I hope you write tons more!
Yours,
Lavvie
P.S. When writing a novel, it's usually suggested to choose a title after you've written the entire thing since the story may change drastically from what the author originally intended it to be. A lot of people title their stories and novels beforehand, but then some of those titles are only temporary so it can be differentiated from all the other things being posted here on YWS. So, either you can choose a temporary or permanent title (technically, it's always temporary until you finish the whole thing and then decide whether to keep the title or not) or you can simply keep on titling your posts as something related to 'Untitled'. I'm also a strong believer that only the writer should come up with titles for their pieces since the author knows best most of the time.
Well.. The matter is little less, gives a blurred picture of exactly what is happening in the story. Though what you wrote is nice and secondly when you travel back in time just move it with the flow of the. Though i know every story has its own. My story also travels back in time. But first i wrote what is happening in present and the most important factor is
WHY IS THE STORY BEING NARRATED??? WHY DOES THE NARRATOR DECIDE TO TELL HIS/HER STORY is it because of some incident which reminds her past or something like this. Which ever way you take but adding this detail it will make your story a little more informative and interesting. You can read mine if you want any suggestion
The bright side is , i like the atmosphere you created in the story. Specially the second paragraph where you describe the room
“Excellent. We can now move onto stage two. Alert Malazar and Benozite. Fire up the Machine. Oh, and, keep an eye over the boy. He is crucial to my plan.”
who is or what is Alert Malazar and Benozite here and i guess there should be no comma after and it should be
Oh. and keep an eye...
I guess so
Don't loose hope, other than that keep up!