Where have they gone?

"I can still remember, the words and what they meant,
as we etched them with our fingers in years of wet cement.
Days blurred into eachother, though everything seemed clear,
we cruised along at half speed...
But then we shifted gears...
We ran like vampires from a thousand burning suns,
but even then we should have stayed...
Identities assume us, and nine and five add up,
synchronizing watches to the seconds that we lost...
I looked up and saw you, I know that you saw me,
we froze, but for a moment, in empathy...
I brought down the sky for you, but all you did was shrug,
you gave my emptiness a name...
We're all ok, until the day we're not...
The surface shines, while the inside rots...
We chased the sunset, and we almost won..
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on..
We ran away..
Now all my friends are gone...
Maybe we outgrew all the things we once loved...
Run away..
What are we running from..?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one...
Where have they gone...? .."
                                                    -Audience of One, Rise Against
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Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review · Thu May 17, 2012 3:35 am

There were a lot of ellipses in this, and a lot of them were completely unnecessary. Overusing ellipses is a great way to make readers doubt your writing skills since overuse of ellipses is one of the most recognizeable hallmarks of an inexperienced writer, especially when the ellipses are not consistently written (you sometimes have ".." instead of "...").

The thing is, you have a very good flow and some strong images in this piece, and if you could vary your punctuation a bit more, cutting down on all the ellipses, you'd create a much more competent first impression. How a poem looks is very important, and the more polished your piece looks, the more people are likely to read it.



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