Her eyes glowed a fierce red, her damp body leaning against a wall as she held her hand to her waist to stop the bleeding. Her breathing heavy and Legend stood before her, unscratched. "You put up a pretty good fight." He said, slowly getting closer to her. "but not half as good as your pityful little boyfriend." He snickered. "My sullen, you're in prety bad shape." He took a step closer to her shaking body. She stood up, grimcing at the pain in the multiple spots legend stabbed her. "C'mon, take a blow." He said, holding his arms open to what ever attack she uses. "You're weak. You don't have the guts to attack, do you? You've let me win all this time, huh.. Tell me, where is this boyfried of yours? You may be weak, but at least you're not a coward." He said, his eyes sly.
Sullen's eyes flickered and she ran towards him, lashing at him with her knives. Legend dodged and cut her thigh. Sullen ignored it and went towards him again, only for him to cut her shoulder, close to her neck. She stopped, the pain drowning her, blood soaking her. Legend stood there, unscathed still. Sullen looked into his non-glowing eyes. How could someone be so powerful, without even unleashing their power? Sullen thought. "Well?" He said, looking straight into her eyes. Sullen stared back. "If you wont go, I will." Legend almost sang. Sullen still looked in his eyes. An image appearing. Legend stood there, holding a man by his neck, sword though his heart. Glowing red eyes, just a little lighter than Sullens going dim, and Legend drops him.
"STOP IT!" Sullen shrieks. That was her borther, Tristan. Legend had caught him off guard, and Sullen layed there, helpless as Tristan. There was nothing she could do but lay there and watch her brother die. Sullen dashes to him, but stopping as a familiar voice runs through her head. "Sullen stop!" It says. Sullen looked up. Nathaniel. "Well, look who it is. Finally decide to come help your girlfriend? You're a little late." Nathaniel ignored his comments and went to Sulen. "I'm fine," She said, "I'm fine." Sullen gripped her knives and Nathaniel's eyes glew a deep grey. "Well then." Says Legend. "Fun's here." He said, and his eyes grow a spectacular green.
One at a time they went to him, dodging, getting cut, stabbed. It was a full fight, unleashing every amount of power they had. But there wasn't more Sullen could take, everything was becoming fuzzy and she felt she could collapse. As Sullen back up she watched them fight for a few seconds. Then she reconized what Legend was doing, and it was the scene with her borther all over again, except it was Nathaniel. "Nathaniel!" She shreiked, and got in front of the attack. Nathaniel pulled her back just enough for Legend to cut her shirt below her belly button. It's a lovers natural instinct. It happens so fast. "Sullen!" nathaniel said grabbing her. Her eyes were starting to dim. "he fights the same," she said. "Tristan, it was almost you this time.." Nathaniel looked up at Legend.
"Gosh, you two are boring me already." Legend said. "It's not 'the way I fight', it's a way I fight. There's a big difference between us. It's power." Legend said, not smiling, snickering, his eyes dimming. "I was going easy on you two. Actually, you did put up quite a fight though, I'm surprised. You guys trained well. But now I'm bored." And in a split second his eyes flared back up again. Then Sullen realized. There's no point in fighting him. Legend's right. Nobody can win against him. Her and nathaniel are going to die tonight. That's that.
Sullen thought back to when she and Nathaniel first met. She thought he was crazy, and was actually afraid of him. He had told her of these "kinds" of people who had great strength. Their eyes glowed, and their colors reflected them. Sullen's was red. "Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination, as well as passion, desire, and love." Nathaniel explained. First she thought he was some nerd geek guy, but when she found out he was serious she tried to avoid him. But she found out was the truth, from Tristan. She never really excepted it until about year of knowing and training for this day. How well that went. Sullen looked up at Nathaniel, grey eyes flaming. She could tell he knew it too. Her red eyes were dimming.
Nathaniel layed her down and walked to Legend. "Still willing to fight?" Legend looked him up and down. Blood soaked, all three of them. Nathaniel would not leave until he ended up like Sullen. Which was bound to happen. He walked over a kneeled down to her. "I love you." He whispered, and kissed her cheek. Sullen closed her eyes. "I love you too." She said. Nathaniel went back over to Legend. Sullen fought herself to not go to sleep, for fear she would die before she saw the end. yet she could not bear to see nathaniel fight so viciously with someone who couldn't be cut. Things looked so familar now. She saw Nathaniel as Tristan, legend's green eyes glowing with no emotion but the joy of killing. Sullen once told herself she would not lose another person she loved. But even now she was losing herself.
Then it happened. Legend slashed Nathaniel across his stomach sending him down. But Legend caught his neck and pierced his heart. Sullen cried out. That's two people by the hands of one. He dropped Nathaniel and looked over to Sullen who somehow found the strength to stand again. She tried to run but stumbled. She fell against Legend's chest, crying. Once long ago he had a heart. Once, long ago he had loved Sullen with that heart. But she couldn't love him back. That's what turned him cold. Sullen's eyes were back to normal, and so were Legend's. "I don't have to kill you." He said. Sullen was crying hard but she looked at him with distain. He had been her best friend who meant everything to her. Legend saw it in her eyes. The pain, phisically and emotionally, anger, loss. He didn't want to see it anymore. He hugged her and whispered in her ear, "I still love you." So this is how my life is going to end, Sullen thought. Then Legend took his sword and stabbed her. Laying her down carefully beside the person he hated, but she loved.
But perhaps it would've been cruel to keep her alive. Without Nathaniel, and seeing the two people she loved most die by what used to be her best friend's hands.
"I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts I can not repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt."
-Johnny Cash, Hurt
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Em here for the review I promised.
Grammar and Spelling:
‘“but not half as good as your pityful little boyfriend."’ ‘but’ should have a capital b since this is a new sentence. ‘pityful’ is spelt ‘pitiful’.
‘"My sullen, you're in prety bad shape."’ ‘prety’ should be spelt ‘pretty’.
‘She stood up, grimcing at the pain in the multiple spots legend stabbed her.’ ‘grimcing’ should be spelt ‘grimacing’.
‘He said, holding his arms open to what ever attack she uses.’ ‘what ever’ is one word, ‘whatever’.
‘You've let me win all this time, huh..’ you have an extra full stop here.
‘Tell me, where is this boyfried of yours?’ ‘borfried’ is spelt ‘boyfriend’.
‘"If you wont go, I will."’ ‘wont’ is missing an apostrophe, as it is will not ‘won’t’.
‘That was her borther, Tristan.’ ‘borther’ should be ‘brother’.
‘Legend had caught him off guard, and Sullen layed there, helpless as Tristan.’ ‘layed’ should be ‘laid’.
‘Nathaniel ignored his comments and went to Sulen.’ I believe you left an l out of ‘Sulen’.
‘." Sullen gripped her knives and Nathaniel's eyes glew a deep grey.’ ‘glew’ is not a word, I think you either meant ‘grew’ or ‘glowed’.
‘Then she reconized what Legend was doing, and it was the scene with her borther all over again, except it was Nathaniel.’ ‘reconized’ is ‘recognized’. ‘borther’ again is ‘brother’.
‘She shreiked, and got in front of the attack.’ ‘shreiked’ is ‘shrieked’.
‘It's a lovers natural instinct.’ ‘lovers’ should be ‘lover’s’ to show possession.
‘"Sullen!" nathaniel said grabbing her.’ ‘nathaniel’ should have a capital n, since it is a name.
‘. Things looked so familar now.’ ‘familiar’ should be spelt ‘familiar’.
‘Sullen's was red.’ I think ‘was’ should be ‘were’ since she has two eyes (I assume).
‘Her and nathaniel are going to die tonight.’ ‘nathaniel’ needs a capital n.
‘Nathaniel layed her down and walked to Legend.’ ‘layed’ is spelt ‘laid’.
‘yet she could not bear to see nathaniel fight so viciously with someone who couldn't be cut.’ ‘yet’ needs a capital y, and ‘nathaniel’ needs a capital n.
‘Things looked so familar now.’ ‘familar’ is spelt ‘familiar’.
‘. The pain, phisically and emotionally, anger, loss.’ ‘phisically’ should be ‘physically’.
‘Full of broken thoughts I can not repair.’ ‘can not’ is one word; ‘cannot’.
I did find some sentences were written strangely and were a little difficult to understand, and you did change tense a little bit, but don’t worry, all you have to do is read through it and say it out loud. You’ll find the mistakes.
I thought this story was beautifully written, and I really liked reading it. You have a great idea brewing here. Honestly I didn’t find anything wrong with the text. It was awesome and these kind of stories give me reason to go on YWS and visit the browse section. Great job.
From Em
P.S. if you want me to explain something, or to review anything else, PM me anytime.
WOW that's a lot of mistakes!! xD Ok, I'm on a website called Writing.com, and I posted this story on that website (If you want to find me my username is ScuulenScene) So I'll proabaly edit that one instead. Thank you so much too! I honestly thought this was crap, but I guess some people like it(:
This wasn't crap! This was really cool, like way better then my stuff. And the fact that you wrote it while falling asleep or whatever it was, just adds to the wow factor. Keep it up!
Its a really good story, I was instintly hooked by the first sentence and had a jumble of questions in my head until the end. Legend sounds pretty ruthless and it's sad that the three of them die at his hands. You should indent though, It helps stories look more neat and I'm wondering right now what legend was or Sullen, well all of them.
You should definintly keep writing, your really good!:)
Thank you so so so so so so so so much!(: I know, I probably should indent but the words in my head just come out and I just keep writing and writing xD And I myself don't really know what they are, lol, just kind of made it up I guess:P I would write more but I'm out of points and I'm not good at reviewing >_< lol but you can also find me at writing.com. My user is SullenScene(: Thanks again! ^_^
Her eyes glowed a fierce red, her damp body leaning against a wall as she held her hand to her waist to stop the bleeding. Her breathing heavy and Legend stood before her, unscratched. "You put up a pretty good fight." He said, slowly getting closer to her. "but not half as good as your pityful little boyfriend."
I thought this was very good and this:
"I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts I can not repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt."
-Johnny Cash, Hurt
I think you are very talented and you should continue!
Thank you so much(: I had a friend named Legend, and he's kind of where I got this idea from. Where it starts to say "Once Legend had a heart," to "He whispered in her ear 'I still love you'", is kind of what happened between me and him. So I give credit to him xD just kidding, I think? Lol:P
This was really cool. I really enjoyed it. I found a few grammar and spelling mistakes and I can point them out if you like in a review.
P.s. I love your picture XD
xD Oh cool thanks(: Sure, you can point them out. I was REALLY tired writing this so I'm not surprised that there's mistakes:P