So I sat there, in the last row, but first seat, right next to the teacher's desk. I look around, see students in groups talking and laughing with each other. While I just sat there, not talking, not moving, and barely breathing. I'm staring straight down at my desk, pretending to be concentrating on a drawing I have in my binder. Their talking echoing in my ears. I dare not look up, I'm scared to see if they're looking and talking about me.
It stays like that for about 3 minutes, until, I'm sure, footsteps echo in everybody's ears. Everybody got to their seats without word and looked at the door until the teacher came in. "Turn to page 394." he said. I sat there, not knowing what to do. He went and sat down on his big black computer chair right behind his desk. He looked at me, and my heart stopped. Please don't point me out...
He speaks into the silence 'I believe we have a new student." I look to everybody and everybody's eyes on me. I give the best smile I could, which probably wasn't one, and everybody looked back down. I felt like I was going to melt. At this point, I wish I would. "Megan," he said. "Welcome to the class. I nod and look down. Maybe this wasn't as bad as I was making it seem, I convinced myself.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there. An old piece that never got a second opinion? Clearly this is the sort of situation review day is meant to remedy!
Because this is such a short piece there's really only a few things I can say about it. First, let's talk about the premise. It's a very simple premise, and for something this short that's not really a problem. And because it's a slice of life situation it's something that a lot of people relate to, and I like premises like that. Short and simple.
Most of the issues here are technical in nature, and there are two things in particular that you appear to have trouble with. One is tense shifting, the other is commas. Let's start with tense shifting first.
What do I mean when I say tense shifting? Tense shifting is when the narrative switches tense with no logical reason. Take this example from your work.
See the two words I put in parentheses? The word "sat" is in past tense, but "look" is in the present tense. Now it is possible to switch tenses without it being a problem, but that only happens in specific instances. Determine which tense you want to narrate with and stick to it. A good way to check if your tenses are consistent is to read out loud and hear for any problems.
Another problem you have is with commas, periods, and independent clauses. Let's look at this example from your story.
"I dare not look up" and "I'm scared to see if they're looking and talking about me" are independent clauses, meaning they can stand alone as their own sentences. This generally means there should be a period between them, but if you want to link them together you use a conjunction and a comma if necessary.
You could also use a semicolon, which is used to link to sentences together but to give them a degree of separation that a conjunction and/or comma wouldn't provide.
And that's really it. For a piece this short and simple there's really nothing wrong with the idea behind it, you just need to work on some of the technical aspects of your writing. Have fun!
If you have any questions or comments feel free to contact me.
--Dover
Well, I really liked this piece, and there's really very little for me to point out.
It excels in giving you that feeling of nervousness, and angst, that one feels on their first day of school - even worse if you're a new student!
The only thing I can point out here is: "I look to everybody and everybody's eyes on me." Perhaps change this to: "I look to everybody and everybody's eyes fell on me." Other than that there's little I can do to help, you did perfectly for describing this situation
I realise that this is a pretty dead account, but just so you know, we're all a family on YWS so you're welcome back any time!