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The trek

by SilentSiren


The trek was worth it for the view, the solitude, the peace. I knew the risks, though not taken as it should have been. There was the possibility of slipping off the tilted break wall preceded by drowning, or any of the injuries that can occur when gravity is feeling vengeful. Then there was the risk of scrapping against the rusting steel cords that once held the break wall together. 

After climbing onto the top of the break wall, there was the tightrope walking along the jagged stone. After continuing to walk on the wall, parallel to the land, it’s easier to see that the walls have shifted, and the water has risen. There is a section in which waters surround the wall are at least waist deep, and the wall itself remains at least 4 feet above the water. 

Upon finding the perfect section, time to settle on the edge and allow a foot or two to relax beneath the water’s surface. It's not the most tranquil spot, nor is it comfortable or special, yet when this spot is discovered it’s like there is an invisible shield. Within this protective bubble the rest of the world washes away with each crest hits the wall. The air changes and feels like the blanket that scared the monsters away from the childhood bed that now only lives in the past and childhood pictures.


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20 Reviews


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Reviews: 20

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Tue Mar 31, 2020 9:56 pm
IIUMBRELLAZ wrote a review...



Hello!

This is a really neat story.
I like your use of descriptive words.
The topic is one that I don't think I've ever seen before which is cool!
I could feel everything as if I was the character in that story.

I see this in some reviews and I have to agree with them when they say that a few of the sentences didn't make sense. I'd say that your weakest point here is writing vivid descriptions. Some things are questionable like, what is a break wall? I as a reader would like to know how certain objects operate or the positioning of the item.

Overall this is a really good story!
I hope you keep up the good work and as always, KEEP WRITING!
:)




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124 Reviews


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Reviews: 124

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Tue Mar 24, 2020 12:42 am
JesseWrites wrote a review...



This is very interesting. You used a topic i never saw before. It is a cool idea. I could feel all the emotions. It was like I was there. i also had a few bits of criticism on this piece.

Some of the sentences didn't make sense. I got confused and I had to reread a couple parts. i could feel the emotion, but I couldn't imagine the setting.

Good story.
Keep it up!
~S.M.Locke~




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29 Reviews


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Reviews: 29

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Sun Mar 22, 2020 8:48 pm
Lia5Giba wrote a review...



Hello! This is a cool piece. I can feel tranquility with that last paragraph. Especially the sentence "Within this protective bubble the rest of the world washes away with each crest hits the wall." I can feel that.

That said... I do have a few suggestions. Many of your sentences, in my opinion, need a bit of a touch-up. For example, the sentence I just put on here? Right after the word "hits," put a "that." And in the sentence "I knew the risks, though not taken as it should have been," well... I just don't understand it too well. I get the sentence, but it takes a few reads. I might change it to: "I knew the risks, though I did not heed them as I should have." I think that is what you were trying to write. If not... you still might want to fix the structure of that sentence. Because if I don't really understand it, chances are others won't, either.

I also am having trouble visualizing all of this. For instance, what is a break wall? I don't know the definition, and I don't feel like using a dictionary. What does it look like? What is its function? What do its surroundings look like? Is there ivy creeping up one side? Is it wedged between two trees?

The sentence, "There was the possibility of slipping off the tilted break wall preceded by drowning, or any of the injuries that can occur when gravity is feeling vengeful," is slightly confusing to me. It seems a little ( and I'm sorry for saying this, really I am) messily worded. "Preceded by drowning" seems a little... weird. "Preceded" means something comes before. Does that mean you'll drown even before you fall off the break wall? I think you're trying to say that drowning will come after you fall off the break wall, no? Maybe choose a different word other than "preceded," then. And the last part of the sentence, "or any of the injuries that can occur when gravity is feeling vengeful," I might change that a bit. Think about it like this: if you switch the sentence around, it might read like this: "There was a possibility of any of the injuries that can occur when gravity is feel vengeful." I don't know about you, but that seems a little... clumsy to me. Maybe switch that part of the sentence up, then?

The sentence "After climbing onto the top of the break wall, there was the tightrope walking along the jagged stone," also makes me a tiny bit confused. Yes, I get what it means, but I see an actual tightrope, not the narrow break wall. Maybe change the sentence to: "After climbing to the top of the break wall, the was the obstacle of walking on the the wall's thin, jagged stone edge." I don't know about you, but I think that might work a bit better. Plus, that gives some imagery.

Just keep this (I don't like saying this) muddling of language when looking this over. And remember, keep everything in past tense. Only use one tense. It just makes it easier to read.

I am not a professional writer, so if I got it wrong (and I'm sure I have) let me know. Otherwise, please look over these suggestions. I like this story. With some pick-me-ups, it can become even better.





If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison