Published February 1, 2010
The silence fills my soul,
I've never felt so free.
I am floating upward over the troubles,
My wings are spreading,
I'm flying,
Soaring.
But I am still held to this Earth,
I'll never abandon my loved ones.
I hear their cries,
Their agony tearing through them.
But I hold them,
I'm there, I'll always be there.
We all feel alone at times,
But you never are.
I'm still here...aren't I?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,472 Literary Works • 674,496 Reviews
Hi! I thought this was quite sweet. However, I think it sort of lacks rhythm. Maybe it's because some lines are quite a bit shorter than others, I'm not sure. I'd like to hear more about who you are - what silence, why? I think it just needs a little more detail. Apart from that, it is very sweet. I'd just like to see more of it.
Hi SilentOllie!
This is very sweet; it made me smile at the end. It reminds me that somehow, even if you're pursuing your grandest dreams, those you love somewhat keep you grounded. It's a good idea.
In some parts the rhythm gets off-- "I am flying upward over the troubles," "I'm flying," and "Soaring" are too long, too short, and too short respectively. Maybe you could try to adjust your lines a bit so they're all more or less the same length and tweak a word here and there to make it flow nicely. It's free-form, so you can do that without having to change the whole thing.
I'd look over punctuation a bit. There are places where you've got a comma where you should maybe have something else--the first line, for example, would be better with a semicolon or period, perhaps.
If you can, make some of your wording a bit stronger.
Other than that, I don't have much. As I said it was a nice, sweet poem. You have a great start and I'm looking forward to seeing what else you can do.
Take care and keep up the good work!
~Freyja