During a dark quiet night
With a small burning light
Way up in the atmosphere
I look, and find they are so pure.
A twinkle in the velvet night,
So beautiful and bright!
They are so elegant and free
What is beauty, I look up and see.
They are a song in the evening
I strain my ears to hear them sing
Dawn appears, they quietly sigh
A burning flame to burn on high.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I disagree with Smorgishborg, I don't think you necessarily to come away from a poem with a new understanding or changed outlook on life. Sometimes it is nice just to read the pretty metaphors people make up. Sometimes, describing something we see everyday, in a new way, renews our admiration for something that we've taken for granted. I think your poem did this wonderfully.
Really my only critique is your overuse of the word burn. You used three times, once in the same line.
With a small burning light
A burning flame to burn on high.
I think there could be a better way to describe them, then as burning. Even though, they are technically burning balls of gas. But that just doesn't sound that poetic.
Didn't do anything for me.
See,
Poems need to come to a point. There's got to be something I can take away from the poem. An understanding. Sadly, I just didn't get it from this poem.
Spoiler
A bunch of issues right off the bat:
1) The night is dark. It's implied.
2) Even though the title give it away, I think the beginning of this poem is confusing, because you don't do the description of stars justice. Are stars just "a small burning light?" That's like calling the night dark, it's obvious, we know what stars are, you don't need to tell us. You need to tell us what stars are... to you. That's the distinction.
3) Stars are not in the atmosphere. They're light years away from it.
4) The last line is a mess. I look (at what? at them?) and find (you find? how do you find?) they are so pure. (In what way? How are the stars pure?)
So maybe you're sitting there thinking "Well duh, the stars are pure because their light is really white and pretty". But NO, that is something you need to explain. Stars are pure. Ok. How are they pure to you?
I googled the term 'velvet night' and got 22,500,000 hits. Pick something I haven't heard before.
It's just.. you can't... you shouldn't just say things like "stars are beautiful" and call it a day. That's something you can say in conversation, but poetry- poetry is something you sit down and write, and so it demands some knowlege that is hard-won. Give us some substance.
Wait what? How so?
This poem is like 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' except that the famous nursery rhyme has more of an edge. Consider how the poet/singer is giving a command- 'twinkle'. This poem essentially says 'There's the stars. They are beautiful.' There's no personality. There's no anything. There's no image that I can take away from this. There's no thought that I want to keep from here. It's just there, and why should the reader pay attention?
PM me if you have questions!