-Confessions About Being in Love with Jekyll and Hyde-

Hello!

I won't go into details here as i can see my previous reviewer has already gone into them. But, I would like to appreciate for what you've done here! It's very realistic and I can relate to it fairly well. So, well job there! I don't have much to criticize but just bit suggestion with the length. It's too long, try editing a little. If it's concise, it'll attract the lot more.

So, well done overall. Good luck with writing.

ok for one thing this is too long what i think you should do is split it
I have spent a lot of time desperately searching for anything that

Would prove my fears and assumptions wrong and

I keep coming up with empty hands, epiphanies slipping through the

Cracks in my hands like sand, invisible, important, fleeting.

You don't know how much time I actually spend thinking about you and me

And us and why and answers and reasons,

You don't know this because I don't tell you.

You wouldn't believe me.

I have replayed conversations, reactions, and silences over and over

Searching each time for a new angle,

A crack in the battle armor that exposes the man underneath it like a window of opportunity,

A different opinion that somehow sheds a ray of light on

The constant screaming and fighting.

Being perfectly honest for the first time in months,

I have wasted hours digging excuses for the things you do from my own chest until my fingers bled,

Only for each and every one of them to not be good enough

To masquerade convincingly enough to disguise the less attractive truth.

I used my own tears to write you false alibi's,

Spent immense time and effort trying to build a good defense when it was my

Every right to play the prosecutor.

But I don't want to place guilt on you

Even when it's earned.

And I don't want to believe that any of it could be intentional

Even though all of the evidence points to premeditation.

When reason outsmarts fantasy,

and my handbuilt city of denial begins to crumble,

I can always declare incompetence, self defense, insanity.

And in a way,

I'm right. You know not what you do,

You have reasons, I'm positive.

I just wish that I could find them, understand them,

Fix them. Sometimes I wonder if I did find some motive buried deep underneath

Your thick barrier of skin,

Would they weigh evenly to the scale of the crimes?

What truly warrants purposeful cruelty?

Beyond reasonable doubt, begs for intentionally causing harm to someone

That doesn't even comprehend what they did to deserve it?

Even if I managed to sort through the wasteland of my body and find enough in tact pieces of me

That are dependable enough to rely on as a shelter in

The middle of your hurricane season,

It would not help me to be any less afraid of or hurt

By your storms.



"like right here split it and post this and up separate then after a little post the next part "


I always used wonder why these families on the news

Went to live in cities and towns that were known around

The world for unpredictable, inherently vicious,

And unimaginably destructive disasters,

Talking about how horrible and painful it is to have

Everything you have loved or known ripped away from

You by something you cannot even attempt to control let alone fight,

But still, instead of fleeing in terror,

Instead of using any basic survival instinct,

They rebuild their massacred and tattered homes on the same foundations

That betrayed them countless times before.

Why would you purposefully choose to put yourself in the

Path of almost certain pain?

Why would you choose to build your life, your one place of

Safety and serenity, on ground that you knew

Would try to destroy you every chance it got?

And after all of that aching torment,

Why stay and risk it again?

Some sort of morbid dance number with abuse and disaster,

Flirting with chance and probability with a complete lack

Of self preservation,

You made me understand that.

I empathised with receiving unwarranted violence accompanied

By blind and misplaced aggression and being able to suffer it gracefully.

It's a matter of having something so drastically important,

On a physical and emotional level,

That you could not ever see yourself let go of until your dying breath.

Some things are just too important to give up on,

Even if doing so guarantees safety, stability, and being able to sleep at night.

I grasp the concept that certain things are just worth suffering for so

Heavily that my knuckles are white and my hands

Are long seized by arthritic disfigurement that pulses

Pain deep through every one of my bones.

I shouldn't feel this old.

This shouldn't feel so similar to

gripping at straws.

I shouldn't be able to relate what we have so easily

To one sided metaphors that remind me of our conversations,

Or be able to use Submitting or Sacrifice as a synonym for Relationship.

I've always been a logical person, seeing every side,

Taking every known detail into account

Before forming a hypothesis as to eliminate the risk of

The data just not adding up right and re-doing,

Re-thinking, re-writing,

I've always despised the idea of rewinding.

I know that I make up excuses for you when you hunt me down

Just to remind yourself that you still have that skill and I

Recognize the fact that I shouldn't because I'm enabling you.

I'm telling you that no matter how badly you treat me,

Regardless of how much you hurt me,

Despite the way you make me feel like a small little girl

So brutally petrified of the whole entire world

That I am not physically capable of leaving the safety of under the blanket,

In spite of the fact that you blatantly do things intentionally that you

Know will find my weak spots and carve into them like precise

And clean scalpels until the agony becomes so unendurable

That I cannot fight you anymore and can no longer defend myself,

Until you have crushed me so tight under your thumb that I cannot breathe

And I let you manipulate me like a doll,

Playing house and keeping it quiet and keeping it to myself and putting the

Blame of your bloodthirsty, sadistic, yet impossibly strategic attacks

Solely on my own shoulders because it is too

Ugly a thing for me to even consider associating it with you.

My reflection is a stranger I have never met and even if I was able to form

The words to describe this masochistic Stockholm Syndrome,

They would fall upon the winds of the void in my stomach

And be carried to no one because

When it finally becomes an ultimatum, I pick you over every other person

Who threatens your position of complete control over every

Aspect of my life,

Every person you unfeelingly forced me to push away and betray because

You can't deal with the possibility that I be able to rely on anyone

Other than you because, in your eyes, that's one foot out the door that

Leads me to leaving you behind, too risky,

And you've never been a gambler.

I love a good high stakes cash bet every now and again,

It makes trying to predict your mood swings more like a game

And less like a constant anxiety that is tearing the very seams

That hold together my being because I can never guess which boyfriend

I am kissing, which lover you will be in the next passing minutes,

Hours, seconds; The loving, funny, easy-going, smart, passionate,

humble, selfless, invigorating, romantic, spontaneous and

Sweet rebel that was the first person to ever actually make me believe another human being

Was capable of loving me.

Taught me how to live fast without the agonizing pain of societal restraints and expectations

Pulling so hard and tight in my skin that I thought it might slice clean through.

The boy who loved me truer than anything else, who has always loved me,

Who eases my pain with a smile, who drips static electricity and

Exudes lust so intense it rips through both of us like a desperate carnivorous beast,

The attraction so nuclear that the space between us becomes radioactive,

And a love so necessary to the both of us that it replaced the priority of oxygen.

The most addictive and mind-altering drug I have ever taken,

A drug that is as visually stimulating as it is chemically brain manipulating.

The Mind-blowing boy that taught me about love at first sight by making me

Experience it. My bestfriend, my soul mate, my equal, my protector and my savior.

Or,

Am I getting my alpha-male, dominant, controlling, scary, gruesome,

Hateful, aggressive, explosive, insensitive, self-proclaimed dictator

Of right and wrong and true or false, famous blame artist who paints the blame

On anything outside of his control regardless of facts or justice,

The man who makes me afraid to speak at all by twisting and warping all of my small and

Meager, desperate words into weapons that you

Shamelessly beat me down with until I am once again so hurt, so

Broken, so small that I can't muster the energy or courage to

Fight for justice at all. My master. My boss. My top priority.

The man who uses my body like a weak rag-doll that only exists

To bring him pleasure, no matter how much it hurts me in the process.

The man who made me feel disposable, unimportant, and took away the small, pitiful amount

Of self worth I had left. A man I am afraid of, who finds release in purposefully causing

Me harm, who I cannot trust, who I cannot even talk to. My nag, my lecturer,

My worst critic, my nightmares when I close my eyes as well as my nightmare when I open them.

Which version of you am I pretending to sleep next to tonight?

I'm so afraid of the answer that I cannot relax into the curve of your chest and

Fall into dreams so effortlessly like I used to. I am awake for what feels now

To be an eternity, avoiding sleep because it's better than lowering my guard.

I have lost all ounces of control over my all-consuming anxiety that suffocates me

In the stale quiet of 4 a.m. while you murmur incoherently, peacefully confined in your slumber,

Disturbingly unaware of the purple bags under my eyes, the panic attacks

That sneak inside of me like wispy shadows and fill my lungs with lakewater

Until I'm convinced that this is finally the time I run out of breath, the

Sobbing that explodes out of the dam in my chest and into our bed creating rivers

And streams over the canvas of my pillow.

You are actually incapable of comprehending the amount of things I

Bottle inside and handle only when you are not there to see,

You will never begin to know the universe of emotions and opinions and

Desires and wishes and needs that I keep permanently hidden from you.

There once was a time that I felt I could be vulnerable

And honest and show these things to you without fear of anger and

Blame and disrespect, being dehumanized with every condescending mockery of my audacity to think my thoughts matter.

Not anymore, I can barely have a conversation with you that does not

Result in an argument that I never intended or expected.

And to hear you say that truly believe that you are not responsible for

A single one of our problems in any way at all, that is one of the most confusing aspects

Of who you are and your true intentions. You extradite all of your guilt and blame to live inside of me,

Without even flinching, you deny any responsibility for your impossibly brutal choices and

Phrases and actions towards me. When you cast yourself in the roll of victim and accuse me of treating you exactly the way that

You treat me, it makes me feel like the equivalency of unwelcome garbage.

I sit for hours alone in the dark ripping myself apart trying to convince

Myself that you love me and you have reasons and opinions and motives for completely destroying me

And not even being able to admit that you are doing it,

Let alone have a real conversation with me,

Let alone try to fix it,

Let alone try to change,

Let alone hear my words,

Let alone acknowledge the pain your torment causes me,

Let alone apologize.

I have simply stopped trying. You love me, I know you love me,

You have to love me, I really can't deal with you not loving me.

It doesn't matter how you treat me, how you speak to me, how you make me feel,

How you hurt me, How you bring me misery intentionally and

Sociopathically accept no responsibility, no blame, and feel no guilt.

I no longer have the energy, or confidence, or power, or strength left within myself

To try and make you see, make you understand, make you feel remorse,

Make you empathize, make you treat me the way any human being deserves to be treated,

Make you respect me, make you at least consider compromise instead of barking orders.

It's a useless and ignored every time. I'm tired. Too fucking tired.

And it hurts too much to fight it.

It's easier and less painful to roll over and take it, to just

Forget myself and who I am completely and be what you want me to be.

It hurts less to say what you want to hear and be the submissive girl you want,

To pretend I'm okay rather than let you know what's wrong,

To sit with a pretty face on while you scream insults into me that feel like fermenting, rotting filth in my core,

And accept every mean name, every mistake even if it isn't mine.

I kiss the lips that spit acid in my face when I'm least expecting it like they are not the at all the

Cause of my anguish, but the cure for it.

It takes every muscle inside me to lay quietly on my back while you ease yourself into places that once belonged to me

Before you came and conquered them only to claim them greedily after, making my

Self worth so low that I couldn't look in the mirror and making my body something I don't want human eyes ever seeing.

You have made me ashamed, and weak, and worthless. Boxed me into a abuse victims head

Without ever raising a hand to me.

I have stopped trying to wrap my head around the concept that the one person I love and

Cherish above everything, is the same person who torments and brutalizes me.

The constant back and forth between my lover and my demon has become so random

And fast that it gives me whiplash.

One second you make me happy,

The next you attack me with the ferocity and reasoning of a rabid dog.

I don't know who you are anymore.

I don't know which face is your true one.

And the sickest and most disgusting part of it all is that,

I'm okay with that. I will let you do it again and again and again.

I will always forgive you when you ask.

I will always take you back no matter what you did wrong.

I will always let you push me around and walk all over me and use me and abuse me and hurt me

And ruin me, and control me and change me and take away my identity and let you

set me up only to knock me over and beat me to a bloody, unrecognizable pulp with your cruel, unforgiving words.

I would always choose it.

Every day for the rest of my life. Always.

I'll be whatever you want me to be, whatever it takes to make you happy,

As long as you stay with me and love me.

I would sooner deal with all of this in silence, slowly killing myself from the inside out,

If it means that I still get to see the love of my life when the clouds creep away

And the vicious monster burrows back down into your gut

And lays dormant.

It is then, that the suffering becomes another instinctive part of surviving

And you gently trace my cheek bones and kiss me

And make sure that I still love you,

That I don't mind the abuse.

I would carry the burden 1,000 times over, every day for the rest of my life,

And do so happily because even though evil lives inside of you,

So does the closest thing there has ever been to heaven.

You are all I want, no one else, and without you I would die, or, worse

Than death, be empty and hollow and absolutely nothing for the rest of

My miserable life. Giving you up is not an option,

Whether that is good for me or not,

Whether it is what is best for me or not.

I would die endless painful deaths to see a smile play on your lips

Just for me. You will always be above me.

Your worth.

Your importance.

Your life.

I gave up mine so I could focus better on yours without the distraction .

At the end of it all,

Nothing is worth having to say goodbye to you.

Not even my happiness.

I will continue to try and be better for you,

Be what you deserve,

What you want.

Because every time I get the strength to realize that I am strong enough to live

Without you and shouldn't have to be treated this way by anyone,

You kiss me and remind me how stupid I am to think that any of that is true,

And you mean it when you tell me you love me,

And hate hurting me,

And the idea of me being anything without you is the funniest thing I've ever heard,

And the only thing that brings happiness or worth or joy to my life is loving you and being loved by you.

I'll wait the rest of my life for the day that you return to only having one face,

The one I have loved before I was even aware of consciousness.

My soul mate.

And if that means dealing with the risk of slowly losing my heart forever and being prisoner

To a monster with the face of my first and only true love,

Well,

Isn't it worth the risk?


and so on and so one just split it a different places and post them one at a time bc there are people who would but not many people will take this much time to read such a long poem
but i is really good none the less with lots of description and visual text.the grammar is good and spot on so keep writing just it so long