Broken Heart

silented1 wrote:

SilentEcstasy wrote:A puppet pulled by her heart strings, Unless the strings do something out of the ordinary, you don't need to mention that the puppet is pulled by them, that's what makes it a puppet and not a doll, afterall. Or vise versa, if you mention strings you don't need to mention the puppet, here atleast.
And suffocated by a thing by love; her core,
Writhes in pain. She wishes no more.
She does not want these petty things. What things? And is this line needed? Does it help explore your ideas? Because we already know she's in pain, it's safe to assume she doesn't want it, so I don't think this line is needed.
Love does not give her emotions wings.
It tears her down to separate parts.
The strings that make up her very heart.
Those three words she hears. It stinngs.
‘I love you.’ In her broken heart, it rings.

rhyme:Okay, you have a lot of words inbetween your rhymes, so it is a little hard to tell if it's forced, but unfortuantly, I do believe that it is forced. You do combat that in some nice ways, like breaking up your lines properly. Where you split her core and writhes in pain.

Over all:
You don't need to capitalize everyline.

And you're not really saying anything here, you're describing how destoryed his puppet - girl is. But there's nothing to relate to, it is mostly vague ideas and the "he left me" kinda deal. But you don't describe that, you describe her reaction to all of this, that doesn't make for a great poem. Like when you do math, you go through the problem to get the answer, and it's just not the same if you have the answer and no problem. It's boring then, right? (Assuming you like to solve math problems if you don't, sorry.)

And you should try throwing some similes and metaphors, they could really help you make this into something more complex that can tell parts of stories that are not even touched on once. Like having an overall theme, and covering certain parts, like your puppet metaphor for example. It's never metioned but it's there. And by simply saying "heart strings" it could imply that the strings are your emotion but later on you kinda disprove that. If you could tie in all your subtlies and ideas into an overall theme you could really have a nice piece here.

Good luck, keep writing.
Pm me with any concerns;
Silented1.

Okay here's the thing, I quoted the above review becuase I have to agree. Your poem is under the title of "Broken Heart" but you did not show enough greif and sorrow that love might cause to a person. You need to work on your provided images and relate them to a person who was devastated by loss of love; otherwise, it is pretty much irrelevant.

So either work on the poem again, or change the title into a suitable one. Good job, I'd be glad to review more of your work.

SilentEcstasy wrote:A puppet pulled by her heart strings, Unless the strings do something out of the ordinary, you don't need to mention that the puppet is pulled by them, that's what makes it a puppet and not a doll, afterall. Or vise versa, if you mention strings you don't need to mention the puppet, here atleast.
And suffocated by a thing by love; her core,
Writhes in pain. She wishes no more.
She does not want these petty things. What things? And is this line needed? Does it help explore your ideas? Because we already know she's in pain, it's safe to assume she doesn't want it, so I don't think this line is needed.
Love does not give her emotions wings.
It tears her down to separate parts.
The strings that make up her very heart.
Those three words she hears. It stinngs.
‘I love you.’ In her broken heart, it rings.

rhyme:Okay, you have a lot of words inbetween your rhymes, so it is a little hard to tell if it's forced, but unfortuantly, I do believe that it is forced. You do combat that in some nice ways, like breaking up your lines properly. Where you split her core and writhes in pain.

Over all:
You don't need to capitalize everyline.

And you're not really saying anything here, you're describing how destoryed his puppet - girl is. But there's nothing to relate to, it is mostly vague ideas and the "he left me" kinda deal. But you don't describe that, you describe her reaction to all of this, that doesn't make for a great poem. Like when you do math, you go through the problem to get the answer, and it's just not the same if you have the answer and no problem. It's boring then, right? (Assuming you like to solve math problems if you don't, sorry.)

And you should try throwing some similes and metaphors, they could really help you make this into something more complex that can tell parts of stories that are not even touched on once. Like having an overall theme, and covering certain parts, like your puppet metaphor for example. It's never metioned but it's there. And by simply saying "heart strings" it could imply that the strings are your emotion but later on you kinda disprove that. If you could tie in all your subtlies and ideas into an overall theme you could really have a nice piece here.

Good luck, keep writing.
Pm me with any concerns;
Silented1.