Published December 25, 2012
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
It tells something about loving one more time. It's cute and i like the flow of your piece..
Keep going..
ll
U
nice words, lines and meaning.. sounds genuine... yet innovate your attempts
Sigma!
You're new, and I'm Lumi! I'm a poetry buff, though I typically avoid pieces with structure and syntax like this. That said, you've done a marvelous job with this short span of lines, though there's always room for improvement. This'll be quick (I'm a sleepy Lumi), so brace yourself.
Titles Mean Everything
The very first issue I encountered with this piece is the immediate disconnection between the dialect of the title and the dialect of the written work itself. You jump from a 1900's common phrase for cars - Jumpstart - and dive into Emily Dickinsonian lines that boil down to a veiled expansion of the title. Essentially, I'd like the two to match. If this is done intentionally, whether to draw irony to the timey wimey disconnect between syntax, or to imply that the notion of a heart being jump-started flays chronological bounds, then it's cool; however, it doesn't feel that way, and I'd imagine it'll be off-putting to the reader/publisher down the road.
A Capital Nit-Pick
I always say to write intentionally. There is no exception to this rule. With that said, I feel very unhappy about your choice to capitalize the beginning of every line without cause. It's common in traditional poetry, and that can be cool, but it does nothing intentional to the piece, but rather nullifies the purpose of your punctuation. I'm a hypocrite for saying this, though! My habit? I leave capitalization out of pieces to draw more attention to the words themselves. It's intentional. So check on this - ensure that you capitalize and un-capitalize with intention, and never forget it. What's the rule? Write intentionally. Always remember.
The Good
A quick run-through:
My favorite lines are 3-5, the metaphor of your love's spellbinding persona, how it changes the inside of you. It's not particularly fresh, but it's well-done, and I applaud you for that.
The Nyeh
Your opening lines, modifiers of lines 3-5 (or rather just the predicate of your love spellbinding your heart), are quite pretentious and unneeded. I can dig description in poetry - in fact, it's great! - but to open a poem with so few lines with an unnecessary description seems like bad form. In addition, it seems to conflict with the remainder of your descriptions - how the heart is modified so delicately, intricately, and then started up. But you begin with this thunderous BOOM that just jarred me. Not a fan of that.
And with that, I'll leave you to your writing. Don't quit - you're good at what you do. Message me if you want to chat more about it.
-Lumi