I don't really like this much. I had to write a poem about tolerance/intolerance for my language arts class, and this just kind of happened. I would like it if you didn't kill it, exhume it, and kill it again, as this is my first half way decent poem in FOREVER, but do what you must.
You follow her,
Even though you see the things she does when her parents aren’t looking.
You stay with her,
But you know you’re much too good for a girl like that.
You watch her,
Smile sadly at her victims,
But you never stop her.
She’s running circles around you, boy.
You gotta see that.
She’s not the kind of girl you pretend she is.
She’s using you,
Everyone knows it.
Even you.
You just pretend you don’t.
But ignoring it doesn’t mean it’s not true.
You’re in too deep, boy,
It’s too late to get out.
You know you regret it, boy,
You know you should have turned your back while you still could.
She isn’t worth it, boy.
You know that now.
If only you’d noticed sooner.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,620 Literary Works • 675,197 Reviews
Ok, I really don't see how this is about tolerance/intolerance, but other than that it's pretty good.
Keep writing?
This is rather depressing...
I loved it though!!! Keep writing!!
--Jalmoc
Oh Sar-sar, don't be so hard on yourself. I liked it!
I don't think I'll need to kill it, just a few things.
It took me a few times reading this to understand it. Maybe thats just me, but you might want to reword it a little. At first I thought it was going to be way too long of a line, but I think I like it better than if it was broken into smaller lines. It's got a good rhythm.
That 's' at the end of smile should not be there. This is also a bit of a grammar issue, you need to either change it to 'smiling sadly at her victims,' or get rid of the comma at the end of the previous line, which would look like this:
'You watch her
smile sadly at her victims,'
But I don't think that works as well. I recommend using the previous suggestion.
I think this would be better as one line, with the first period becoming a comma.
I really like the end. It definitely has that feel of finality, if that's a word... I like the short sentences, they worked to your advantage here.
Nice job, you really should post more.
First off, I would just like to say that this poem was actually really good! I know you seemed kind of worried about it, but its definetly not as bad as you made it seem. Ahahahaha. I enjoyed it
There shouldn't be an "s" at the end of smile.Anyways, on to the review...
I really liked the story behind this poem. It kept my interest throughout and it can be very relatable. That feeling of knowing someone you care for is not the best person, or maybe has changed, is definently a difficult and awkward one. It is easy to sympathize with the boy in this poem.
I also liked the repeatition throughout the poem. It gives it a nice flow.
One thing that I didn't like about this poem was the way you added in "boy" at the end of some lines. Perhaps it is just me, but I thought that it sounded odd, and made the poem sound more casual than I originally thought it was supposed to be. I just don't think it fits.
Also, your grammer was really good but I just found one little error at the beginning:
Overall, I think you have a really good poem here! I really enjoyed reading it