Chapter 1:
"Hello", said the tall figure approaching me at the station. It was a boy- tall (about six feet one inch), muscular, square- jawed, unruly brown hair, a roman nose and a beautifull pair of eyes. Overall, he was hot! "Can you just tell me what time is it?", the hot boy asked.
"About quarter to nine." I replied.
"Thanks." he smiled. I could see his teeth through his lips when he smiled they were just perfectly clean, white and straight and his canines were very sharp. His smile was kind of compelling. All I could do was just stare at him. I stared at him for about five more minutes when the metro reached the station and I came back to consciousness. In a blink of an eye he got into the metro and disappeared. I stared at the metro go by and the image of the guy flashing into my memory.
By his features, I could tell, he was only about twenty-two or around and by his clothes- he was definitely rich.
Then in a moment, I realised in horror that I had missed my ride to home. Shit! I thought as I glanced towards my watch. No problem. It was worth it. Whatever. The next metro will be here after ten minutes. I can atleast wait till then, I have no hurry.
I had a studio apartment in Dubai. It was rented. It's just too expensive. Half of my part time job sallary as a sales girl went into paying for it and the other for my English Honours tuition. I was in my second year at St. Xavier's College. My parents had died when I was about fifteen and I was a single child. My mother first, then dad but they just left enough for me to survive on my own and I thanked God for it.
For the whole twenty years of my life, I hadn't even dated anyone. I just didn't get the right guy, no boy made me feel like some one who I really should like. Maybe because of that, I used to top in my class. I was really friendly and popular at school just never with anyone specific. But my life in college was totally different - I had two best friends Andy and Chris. They were just awesome. Andy and Chris were dating each other and I was really happy for them. We were kind of popular at college and were called TTD, as in The Three Dazzlers. We three were good in academics too and our life was flowing like water - calm and smooth.
Who am I kidding? I thought. I knew I wasn't happy. My life was just simply boring. Andy and Chris were dating, though they never EVER stopped fighting. My life simply had no adventure. It was just too SIMPLE! And I kind of knew I needed more. But what could I even do? I needed money for survival, I just couldn't leave.
My thoughts were interrupted by a call on my phone. It was Andy.
"Hey, Ana!" she said.
"Hey! What's up?" I asked.
"Just getting bored. Why don't you come over for a sleep over? I have everything - movies, snacks and everything a sleepover needs."
"I'm sorry, I can't. I have to study." I lied. Andy Thomson was ridiculously rich. She just had everything in front of her eyes before even asking.
"Please, Anastasia? You will really disappoint me if you don't come!" she exclaimed.
"I'm sorry. Seriously! I have to, have to study. Plus I am totally tired after my work at Snow White's today." Snow White was the place where I worked. We usually sold clothes over there. The outfits over there were just totally hot and expensive!
"Okay. But can you show up day after tommorrow? Please? Not tommorrow because I have a date with Chris."
"Fine. Only if you let me choose which movie. Okay?"
"Great! I love you! See you then." she hung up excitedly.
I was really tired that day. We had college from eight in the morning, plus some extra classes till three in the evening. Then my part time from six to eight. So, I decided on having a good night sleep but something kept haunting me - those compelling dark eyes. When those eyes were watching me, I couldn't even think of sleeping. I literally kept dreaming when I was awake. Who needed to sleep when someone could dream when they were awake? I didn't want to get disturbed from dreaming about that guy but then a noise made me jump high into the air from my bed to my toes . . . .
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hallo!
So, first, this sounds like it's going to be a very interesting story. A few suggestions:
One thing that struck me as something that could be improved upon was the first sentence. It wasn't too much of a hook; it didn't really make me want to read on. Dialogue isn't generally that good of a first sentence unless it's something really exciting or dramatic or something, because generally readers want a story where things are happening. If you do have dialogue, though, I would suggest cutting out the tag and just saying "Hello", because the dialogue tag just kind of slows it down.
You also might not want to start with a description, because, as I said, readers generally like things happening at the beginning of a story. Maybe start with him walking up to her, or just don't describe him until she stares at him as he walks away. Something like that. Also, I would generally stay away from saying things like "he was hot" and instead just describing him, and then describing her reaction to him, like how she stared at him. Those are enough to show the reader that she thinks he is handsome without blatantly stating it. (Especially with an exclamation point; generally, you should use those sparingly, if ever.) Another thing with the description was the height: I'm not sure about you, or about the narrator, but I can't generally estimate a person's height to the inch. Maybe just "about six feet"? That seems a lot more natural, because people like to go for intervals.
Also, I think your ending has some room for improvement. The noise is interesting and makes me want to read on, but I don't like how it's arranged: You put it at the end of another sentence and ended it with an ellipsis, which kind of dissipates the tension a bit. Perhaps consider cutting the sentence off before "A noise..." and making a new paragraph starting with "I was jarred out of my dream with a noise that made me jump high into the air from my bed to my toes." I also think that this description could be fixed up a bit. For one, don't just say it was a noise, describe what it sounded like. Was it a crash? A bang? Where did it come from? Downstairs? The attic? All of that helps the reader understand the scene better and immerse themselves in it. Also, "...made me jump high into the air from my bed to my toes" isn't really the best way to describe it. Perhaps say "A [whatever kind of noise] came from [wherever]. I swung myself out of bed and stood up, my heart beating quickly." Something like that will add more tension to the scene and make the reader more scared for the character, as well as more interested in what happens next.
Well, that's all I have to say! All in all, I liked the story, and I think it has the potential to go really far. With a little editing, though, it could be even better.
_Wherethewindgoes
Thanks for the suggestions.
You really helped.
I'll keep them in my mind the next time I write.
First off, I love your little short story. It's one of those stories where it builds from the middle of no where but it grows into such an interesting plot. Great job! Only thing I can say is how some pieces of sentences are kind of phrased awkwardly and the grammar in some places isn't correct. I enjoyed the different places you have picked to place in your story as well, it lets the reader/audience imagine more with the setting, etc. Good job! I look forward to reading more!
Thanks
Glad you enjoyed!
Hey sidra,
here to comment on your piece.
First of all, I loved it. This is marvelous though there are some areas wher eyou have to grow but I bet after a few months on the site you will be one of the most fabulous writers present here! Keep writing. The plot was nice ad the start did grab the interest of the reader although the description of the boy should have been written in sentences like
"This guy was so tall that my head touched his shoulder, almost 6 feet or something" or anything else (Just an example)
Well overall it was amazing, I am waiting for the next chapter (did I mention desperately? Because I definitely am)
Amazing work, keep it up!
Umaima
Thanks Umaima
It really helped
And the next chapter will be there soon