I love to smell the air,
Salty, cool, sweet,
I love to know I care,
For more than just me,
I feel so self involved sometimes,
I lose my self in thought,
I love the lovely feeling,
The sandy beach has brought,
To watch the salty sea,
To sea waves glitter and gleam,
I love to know the beauty,
It feels like it's just for me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there, siddys97.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
I don't really feel that this poem has brought anything new to the table on the topic of the sea. The title is overdone, said a hundred thousand times by heroines in romance novels who long for freedom and swoon and say, "Alas! I long to see the sea!"
The poem really does make the narrator seem like a jerk. The only thing the narrator can love except themselves is the sea? Hmm. I hope I don't have to meet someone like that.
Try to vary the starts of your lines. All the "I"s make the poem even more self-involved than the narrator admits.
If this poem is supposed to be about the sea bringing someone out of their funk, or out of their self-obsession, you should focus more on that aspect of it. As it is, it seems like the narrator is only using the sea as a tool to love themselves more, and while loving yourself is totally okay, you should probably love other things than yourself, too. I wish the sea had more of a personality. Try personifying the sea, and see where that gets you.
I hope that this review proves useful to you in some way. Happy YWSing!
Hello, the poem is actually good, but there is an error to to it.
And the "To sea waves glitter and gleam"...change "to" to "the" and, just suggest, exchange "glitter" and "gleam" to "gleam and glitter" so it will sound nice.
First, is the "salty, cool, sweet"...you have the two types of taste which are "salty" and "sweet"...you cannot combine the two of those cause it makes the reader confuse, like, you go for salty then directly sweet. So you have to choose between the two. But the question is, I don't think you can taste the air, or probably you meant "I love to smell the sea", and then "Its cool and salty" or depends on you
Second is the "I feel so self involved sometimes", you can crush out the "self" when you got "I" from the beginning. Also, the "I love the lovely feeling"...hmm~ do you meant by "I love that lovely feeling" or its like that. Mind explain
That's all!
So overall the poem is good but few errors
I don't usually review poetry, or read it for that matter, but I saw this in the Green Room a little while ago and decided I might as well.
From this poem I get the feeling that the ocean is important to the narrator, for some reason, perhaps an event in their past?
The last two lines (above) in particular are what brought that thought into my head.
Usually I dive right into grammatical errors, but there's only one that I see in this and that is:
Normally that would be spelled "see", as in to see something. But since this is a poem I assume that you used this as a device of sorts to tie in with the narrator's affections for the sea.
One line that might use some change is:
It just doesn't feel like it rolls off the tongue very well. It seems kind of repetitive. Perhaps try something like "I love the comely feeling,"?
Once again, I'm terrible with poetry. I apologize if this review gives nothing to you feedback-wise.
Anyway, a good poem, I think...
Keep writing!
-Jules
Hello, there!
So, this was a nice little piece, and very much enjoyable.
I'm here for a quick review.
I'm going to start with nitpicks. ^_^
Hmm. This is more of my own opinion, but I wouldn't think of sea air to smell 'sweet'. Migjt want I consider changing that adjective. But, if it smells sweet to you, keep it by all means.
I would change 'me' to 'myself'. Since it's not used for any rhyming, it would be great to change it. Although, myself is used two lines below, so that's a thought to consider too. Anyways, I would just change 'me' to something ; it just doesn't sound right in that context.
*myself
Salty is used in the second line, perhaps you could change this adjective?
*see
So. I really could smell the air with you, be there with you. Fantastic job on that. However, I think you could've described some things more clearly. For example, what exactly do you mean by 'I lose myself in thought'? You could explain about that more.
I hope this helps!
~ EternalRain ^.^
Very elegant indeed. I love all of this, and I absolutely agree with every word. The rhythm is excellent, as well.
I would add "and" between "cool" and "sweet" in the second line, as it just seems like too few syllables with only the three words. I might change "The" to "This" in the eighth line, too. It might make it sound more personal and emotional.
There's a little typo in the third last line with "sea" instead of "see".
This is a beautiful poem and I was brought in immediately by the nature theme. Great work!